My New Friend

This summer I worked as a barista at Starbuck's. Now, I know what you are thinking.. big corporation, ruins little businesses, absolutely horrible. Well be that as it may, I made many friends and contacts at Starbucks so I am generally happy that I worked there. Despite talking to countless doctors I also met an amazing individual, Kristin.

Kristin is a photographer working to save money while at school. She is twenty six years old, charismatic and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. One day we got to talking about one of the other girls on our shift.. I was livid because male customers kept telling my coworker how great she looked now that she "lost all that weight". Didn't she feel upset?? Immediately Kristin and I started talking about how sensitive an issue weight is for females.. and for whatever reason I felt comfortable to tell Kristin quickly that I had flirted with an eating disorder in the past..

" My sister had a really serious eating disorder too, so I understand"

Well now we had a conversation. I opened up a bit more by telling her my plan to have an exhibit for love your body month at my school.
"That is SUCH a good idea!" And then she was involved. Together we decided it would be a great idea to have a boston meet up, for women who have body issues.. not just women with an eating disorder but women who struggle on a daily basis just because. Kristin told me that while she never had an eating disorder herself, she always questions her hunger, her food choices, her lifestyle. She talked about the negative attitude she has towards her body and her weird food habits.. like buying a food she really is craving, maybe a "bad food", eating a piece of it and throwing the rest out for fear she will eat it all.
Wow, it sounded familiar.
The more we talked the more we realized how much we had in common. Between weird food habits and negative "voices" we were actually pretty similar. And funny, we both agreed it had nothing to do with food or weight. There was a bigger issue at hand. Bigger than either of us could comprehend on our own.

And so the love your body project had began. Not too long after Kristin told me how she was inspired to attend an OA meeting. Now Kristin is by no means a big girl. In fact, Kristin told me she had felt insecure to attend this meeting because she was not big.. but once she got there she felt comfortable. People were there to listen. To support one another. It is not about the weight but about the feelings, the behaviors. Why do we torture ourselves our bodies? Since then Kristin has been seeking a healthy life, mentally and physically.

Today we got together for coffee and we talked. We talked about our lives, our futures our careers.. We talked about our hopes, our dreams. We talked about our disorders and our questions and our insecurities. I really enjoy talking to Kristin and I feel so honored to have such a fabulous person as my friend. She just got a really good job and is leaving starbucks. I am so happy for her and she told me her friend and her are going to open their own business. I am ecstatic for her. We are young now. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Yesterday was dinner at grandmas. Initially I freaked out. Anxiety over not being hungry or being too hungry, overall confusion. But I walked my dog (a short walk) and I breathed.

At grandma's we relaxed first. My uncle and aunt came and we talked, we cooked lobster and potatoes. My uncle, mom and myself went to wholefoods to get me and my mom some dinner (we don't eat lobster so it was salmon for me and a sandwich for my mom) and we came back to finish the meal. And we ate. My uncle was very patient with me. he has seen me in the hospital and was very supportive. He made sure to wait for me at wholefoods while I freaked over whether I should get frozen yogurt or ice cream (let's just get both!). He waited for me while I cooked my salmon, instead of letting everyone else eat without me (on a seperate occasion my mom had just had everyone eat dinner while I was still cooking mine.. I hate being the last one eating or having any attention drawn to me at mealtimes). He talked to me like a normal person. I love my uncle and my aunt for this. They don't bring up food while i'm trying to eat. we talk about other things.

Afterwards I wasn't going to eat cake. oh the trans fats. But all of a sudden I had this urge. This cake urge. I had cake, ice cream (well, a mix between soy and frozen yogurt) and watermelon. no regrets. Just tired.

At home that night I had cereal and milk. I was hungry. Then I had a really great conversation with my dad. That hasn't happened in a long while. It was a successful day, I would say.

This morning I woke up. I ate cereal.. I was going to try something new but I couldn't do that so I just settled on easy. Then I struggled with whether or not to go to the gym. i read for a bit and then I decided to go. And it went.. okay.

at home I was energized. I cleaned and tried not to think too much about lunch. When lunch came, I ate. unfortunately i was still hungry afterwards but I surpressed the urge to eat more for a while, then I "gave in". Or allowed myself to eat.

at starbucks I put milk in my coffee. And I had a snack later that afternoon.

anxiety hit.. .cardio??? no. Instead I did yoga. wow i love that yoga.

and i was able to go to dinner. order a real meal and eat it all.

and when I came home, soymilk, fruit and a cookie. I guilted about the cookie for a bit. but i am over it. And i needed it.

i can do this. tomorrow will go well. Then, it's off to school. cross your fingers folks.

ugh

Yesterday went pretty well.. I actually ate a normal dinner with my parents...

.. Today, a different story. I was too tired/hungry to go to the gym this morning so I gave myself permission to take the day off. But then I wasn't "hungry" at lunch. So I didn't really eat.

Truth is I was/am hungry. I just don't know what to eat because I didn't exercise, really. I'm going to my grandma's soon, to celebrate her birthday. So that means cake, food. I wont' eat cake. I hate the sugary taste to cake. But I may be expected to eat dinner. Usually this isn't a problem but today, it poses big problems.

Yesterday I gave myself permission to eat. I just can't do it . What the hell am I so scared of?

I tried not to restrict too badly tonight but boy did that muffin linger. It is funny (well, no, not really) how one "mess up" can ruin an entire day.. can make a person feel horribly guilty and angry all day long.

I didn't have my usual breakfast this morning- I had an odwalla bar instead but then I felt guilty for eating something so carby.. however the carb fest continued all day anyways (not without guilt, trust me).

I need a solid meal plan. I need someone to sit me down and give me exchanges again. I could do it on my own. But I can't. I need that push.. I don't want to see my nutritionist again because she just tells me "Katie, you know it already". She's right, I do.

I go back to school soon and I am nervous. School means buffets, it means salad bars, it means a lot fo work and exercise. Most importantly, it means a lot of other abnormal girls. I love my school but at the same time I want to punch some people and their behaviors. I want to shake them and say "take a day off from the gym.. eat food". They would just look at me and laugh.

I got angry last semester. A girl in my house was making fun of the "twiggy" girl in one of the dining halls.. "what's her problem, she pays 45000 dollars/year to eat carrots". I dont know how to convey to a person that an eating disorder is a mental problem, an addiction. Some people just don't understand. I want to cry for a very long time. Or take a very long nap. Hey, at least I didn't go to the gym today.

Angry

I just got off of work and I am angry. and exhausted. and disgusted with myself.

So I was already really tired from work in general and I was kind of hungry. I ate my dinner on my ten and a really nice guy had brought my friend and I cake because it is our last week of work (he also hit on me and gave me his number but this is a different story, as he is 29 and married.. but very handsome). Anxiety hit.

my half didnt come until 8:30 and I was starving. I had a piece of cake with milk and some watermelon slices. I still felt hungry but I tried to ignore it.

My best friend, who has been avoiding me since MV, came into work with another one of my friends (to visit someone else). . when she realized I was working she acted all surprised. Then she informed me that they had gone to this restaurant that WE had planned to go to. I was like "what, no invite?" like all joking. "oh but you were working anyways..." SHE DIDNT KNOW I WAS WORKING!! I just wanted to scream or cry or punch something. WTF why does she treat me so poorly. I am so sick of it.

I guess I am over reacting but it is all of these little things adding up.

So then after work i had juice and I downed a big muffin (bran). I guess some people would say "good you need to gain weight" but I am sick of these sugars and these massive carb loads. I feel disgusting. I have work at 8 tomorrow and I just dont want to eat at all. Ever. adalkdjna;kdj;

"be optimistic... don't be a grumpy..."

Martha's Vineyard was fabulous.. or it was pretty good. My best friend has a friend who lives on the island and the first day he drove us around and took us to the beach. Then we discovered our hostel, where we met many different types of people and was relatively clean. It reminded me of camp! The second day I was there some dancers offered morning yoga (7 AM). I was up so I did it (whooo so fun!). Then we rented bikes and biked over twenty miles that day... one of the trips was to Aquinnah, which was uphill somewhat (very painful but we were SO proud). That night her friend drove us to town for some ice cream and pizza and then to a pier to check out some bioluminescence (there was non, unfortunately). On the last day we went to a farmer's market, an outdoor sculpture garden and a fishing town/beach called Mnemensha. There we hung out on some rocks and my friend had a lobster lunch!

The downsides: My friend was kind of grumpy most of the trip (she gets that way when she is tired.. i tried to stay optimistic but that in itself gets exhausting when one person is always upset).
She also was semi restricitng, even on her long bike rides. I think this motivated me to eat more, just to show her it was okay.
She seemed upset with me most of the time but would not voice her opinion. Unfortunately for me I don't read minds.

Her mom and step dad picked us up at the ferry and took us out to Linner (haha, lunch and dinner!), which was so nice of them. My friend was tired and not hungry but again, I stayed cheerful and optimistic.

By the time I got home I had no energy to tell my parents again about all that we did and saw. My mom took me out to frozen yogurt (yum!) and then I came home and had cupcaeks and milk. At first i thought I was binging. But whatever, I need the energy.

Now I am back to the daily grind (so sad!) with lots of work. Yesterday I worked from 2:45 until 10:30 and today I worked 6:30 in the AM until now... yes it was quite the long day. Tomorrow I work again but then there is a cookout after down my street. I'm excited for that but again, nervous food wise. I'll just try not to think about it that much.

After my shift today I was hungry but didnt know what i want so I settled on a bran muffin. I always hate when I do that because I feel like it's "too many carbs".. I should have eaten some protein or peanut butter or something. Oh well, next time I guess. I just enjoy the bran muffins.. i just hate how they are so so sugary!

OH also. This guy who comes into starbucks a lot talked to a neuroscientist who works at MGH and he told her about me.. then he emailed me with her email so I can talk to her.. Sometimes you need to go where life takes you.. I see where this is going..

AND Christian from DENMARK called me! SO EXCITING! He was so cute and told me I should visit next summer. I am seriously considering making the trip.

Maybe I can get mary and/or marissa and/or my brother to join.

Speaking of my brother, we had a great conversation the other night. I just love when that happens... he's such a good kid.

Today was a better day. For one thing I didn't go to the gym this morning. I am still sick and decided my body needed to rest. Unfortunately, however, I did not eat a solid lunch. My mom and I were to go shopping and right before I had a doppio with milk and some hummus with veggies and bread (at least it was a solid snack). my mom normally does not eat lunch on the weekends (she has a brunch of sorts.. maybe I should start doing a brunch, snack and a dinner?).

Anyways we went shopping and it went okay. I'm not a big shopper but I got a sweatshirt and we got to talk at least. I think for school I want some shirts and bras but I'm afraid to buy bras as I'm sure I will gain some weight (and thus boobage) and yet I say this every year. Maybe I should get some clothes that fit? I want to look nice this year. I think I will go to downtown crossing tomorrow or filene's basement.

After we visited my grandma and I had an anxiety attack. I was sick of sitting down and I think my blood sugars were low, though i didn't feel physically hungry. I walked down the street to whole foods.. I think the walk in itself calmed me (I was stressing about not having exercised).

When we arrived home my mom suggested going out to dinner. "I want japanese or thai".

Did that come out of my mouth? Usually for me it's, "i'll take care of myself" or "I'm not hungry". So we went out to thai. And I ordered a normal meal and, over a glass of wine, I told my parents a few things about my thoughts, my health status. Sometimes i wish I dont tell them things, as i feel as though it shows my weaknesses. I am only human, however.

I got anxiety when i came home. I tried to relax. I felt tired, I didnt want to move. I took the dog for a walk to try to feel better but it didnt help so I sat down to watch a movie. Why am I always so tired after eating a full meal? I didnt like it.

My best friend and I are going to martha's vineyard on monday and I am excited but nervous. I hope things go well.

Under Pressure

I can't handle this pressure in my house, mostly revolving around alcohol. My younger sister just doesnt understand why I get so upset but drinking at my house is not normal. My mom told me, "Kate, loosen up a little".. she doesnt understand that she is promoting the very thing she is so against. Laura pushes a drink on her so she drinks it and Laura just laughs. Laura doesnt understand this is not normal. I just want to scream, cry. Maybe I'm the abnormal one.

I feel sick. I hate when my sister is around alcohol. I hate how she has such an addictive personality. I am seriously afraid for her future because she is so immature. I know she has to learn but it makes me mad when everyone makes me look like the bad person.

this blog entry is so disorganized. I am so upset. I have to go to my friend's for her 21st birthday. I dont want to drink. I'm sick but I have no where to go. I feel so trapped.

Honey I'm home and I had a hard day...

I have moved back home and have a horrible cold. At least the dogs kept me entertained during my sleepless night. This morning I dragged myself to Starbucks to complete a full day of work and hopefully infect no one.

I was so excited for daniela to come home. She is one person with who i can really talk and it is such a relief. I went by her house and we walked around the mall together just catching up. It was really nice. Afterwards I went to the store because (alas) we have no good food in my house. So I bought some fruit and milk and sushi for dinner and here I am.

I am trying not to obsess about food as much and just eat what I want when I want it. Tomorrow I work another night shift ( I haven't had one of those in a while) so I will try not to freak too much about dinner.

In terms of exercise things are pretty good. I didnt go to the gym today (again, work, illness so yah) and I managed to forget about it for the day (phew, what a relief). I was supposed to host a coffee talk tonight for women who have body image problems but me and another girl who is helping me to coordinate is sick so we are going to reschedule.

Speaking of this other girl, she is AMAZING. She called me today and told me how she went to O.A. This girl is not a big girl and looks average. I was so proud of her for going and sharing! She was proud of herself too. She is one of the few who understands my random mind. She told me how through these meetings she learned not to focus too much on how another looks in terms of size to decide whether or not they have a problem. I agreed and I said anorexic, bulimic, obese, tiny, all of our problems are alike and usually have nothing to do with food.

Forgive me for the chaos that is this post. I'm quite tired and need to rest and relax. I am still trying to maintain my sanity however.... and I have classes picked out for the fall!

Including: Physics at UMASS, Cellular and Molecular Neuroscience, a seminar in psychology and an english class! yay premed

It's interesting how the human mind works.. or the eating disordered mind maybe. For the most part today went well. I had a really good workout this morning after which I felt strong, not exhausted. Then my mom and I went out- first to the bookstore (I LOVE THE BOOKSTORE) where I got an MCAT review book and some flash cards, two books (one being a birthday present) and a spanish english dictionary.
Next we went to my grandma's only to discover my grandma wasn't there.. my mom was stalling. She didnt want to go home (I couldn't blame her) so we went to the store and to russo's, at which point I had to tell her I really had to go back. She didnt want me to leave- she wanted me to go home with her. I think I keep her sane. I'm worried about her when I leave.

I made myself a yummy lo mein dinner tonight with soba noodles, edamame, cabbage and zucchini. I didnt think i was going to eat it all but I did. And I was still hungry. So I had an orange and tea. Still hungry. So then I had some ice cream, banana, soy milk and chocolate syrup. Ok good enough for now.

I rode my bike to target and then caught myself at the convienent store. Apparently I was still hungry and I settled on a thing of fig newtons when I got recognized by the boy who lives downstairs.

back at home now, I had one and a half of the fig newtons, a few grapes, a creamsicle, and cereal and milk. Now at long last I feel satisfied.

What is with this such intense hunger? It holds me back. I cannot deny myself any longer/ I will not. I need to eat to be healthy, to be strong, to have a social life.

Tomorrow I have work at 7 so that means I need to plan for tomorrow. i made brown rice at dinner and I have salad greens so I'll probably make a brown rice salad with some beans and corn. I wish I had some yogurt to bring but i ran out and I was too exhausted to think about food any longer. For now, however, that should do just fine.

anyways enough about food. I'm going to finish up my laundry, watch Harry Potter and begin studying for the MCAT. Studying requires lots of carbs and I consumed my share tonight :-) . I dont really feel guilty about it. I need to energy.


I'm nervous to move back home on wednesday. I wish I could live here for the rest of the summer. Being out of my house has helped me to really focus on myself and to get better.

Day 6

I ended up going to the party last night but I have since decided I really don't like the drinking "scene". Sure I partake in it but it only masks how a) tired I get and b) how bored i get. I only had two beers last night and a small glass of wine (maybe another half of a beer because I got sucked into subbing for Beirut) and I was really proud. But I still felt like shit when I get home. Alcohol really doesn't mask anything for me and for now on I'm only going to drink on random social situations (maybe a house party or two) and a glass with dinner if I should so feel the need.

I only semi-restricted last night at dinner, which was nice. And I allowed myself what I was craving this morning- a bowl of Quaker Oats squares- they are so high in sugar/ carbs I usually won't let myself have them. But that's what I wanted. So that's what I ate (with strawberries).

I am going to the gym today but not tomorrow. I have work 7-3 and I will be pooped/ the gym closes at 4. I think I'm going to start going every other day or 5 days a week. . . we will see what works best. It's funny because I know so much about exercise and nutrition and yet my body refuses to listen. I have to teach it.

I like my little resolution to stop drinking. I just hope it doesnt become a problem at school..

Day... 5?

yesterday I had my counselor appointment and I think this is the first time in four years she has seen me cry. It came up because I said I was afraid of being a weak 60 year old with osteoporosis.

"you probably have it now"

I just started to cry. I know this and I hate myself for it. I have osteopenia and I feel so weak. I want this to stop.

I had three meals and three snacks yesterday. It felt good but I was still tired.. my only exercise was some weight lifting from a video and riding my bike to and from work (maybe 10 minutes each way). I let myself go out to dinner last night- I picked up brown rice sushi from whole foods and had the whole tray in addition to some veggies and egg from the salad bar (it was so expensive!).

After my counselor i went to my friend's house to help set up for a party tonight. I was so exhausted ( I have been getting up at 5:15 am for work/ to let the dogs out). I felt so lame and so not into it . Am I depressed? I dont really know.. yes and no.

I am going to go to the gym this morning but I'm not sure how much I will do. I am really tired. Like really really tired.

Through my tears I asked my counselor "so then, what should I do? Stop working out".
She cocked her head and said " I think that might be good"

"I'm afraid I'll be weak, my heart wont be strong and I will lose bone mass from not lifting weights". I knew this was so wrong. I am already weak and I need to gain strength. Maybe I should just not go to the gym this morning. Somehow I can't bear it. It's what I do. It's what I know.

I took the dogs on a walk up and down the street. I am frustrated with them because they refuse to go to the bathroom.


The other night I sat on the couch reading. I was depressed and I didn't want to eat. I felt I had eaten too many carbohydrates... but as I was reading I realized I was falling asleep. Despite my lack of appetite, I made myself dinner. Then downed ice cream.

this deprivation, it really needs to stop. I can't keep this up. If i want to lead a healthy life and go to medical school I need to be healthy. I want to be the person keeping people healthy and NOT the person who needs to be kept healthy.

Day 4:

I had work today at 7 Am and I was so tired. I made myself eat breakfast and tried not to think too much about it. I did a lot better today in terms of just having snacks and non sporadic eating. I found it helps if I don't really have a drink at work (I work at a coffee shop and I usually plan on having a smoothie or something.. but not having anything but water or tea really cuts down on anxiety). I made myself a solid lunch too, of which I was really proud as most people who work there dont really seem to eat meals. I think that throws me off.

I declared today as being ok to not have to work out. I will go tomorrow morning. Today I have a counselor appointment so rather than going to the gym I will just ride my bike home.

Last night was really sad. I felt so overwhelmed- it was my day off and I had a late lunch.. and then I ate a whole bag of microwave popcorn (this is abnormal for me.. im trying to get over my carb-o-phobia). I walked the dogs that I am house sitting for with my sister and my own dog but when I got back I felt trapped. I decided I wasn't hungry and read. But I found myself falling asleep- it was 6 PM! Sure I was tired but I also think I was hungry. I forced myself to eat dinner and afterwards I ended up inhaling a lot of ice cream. It's funny how appetite works. I spent the rest of the night researching medical school, watching tv and kind of feeling like a loser. but a tired one.

im making progress but it is slow. What happens when I go back home next week? I find when I am around my mom I am worse and I am not sure why. I think she senses this and I feel guilty. She has horrible eating habits and I think if she ate better it might be easier for me.

Anyways time to clean up around here! It's raining (i love the rain.. just not when I have to bike somewhere)

Day 3

Yesterday went alright. It was quite busy and was scheduled for lunch with my aunt. I had an interesting medley for breakfast of cereal, fruit and some walnut bread and I had a powerful workout at the gym (meaning I felt strong.. not weak).

When I came back I made myself a protein shake and then showered. My aunt had wanted to go to this high protein "Knowfat" fast food place. It's funny because my aunt is a big woman (and she is well aware) so when we stepped into this place she said "I read a review for this place that said 'I don't know if it is just me but every time I come into this place it is either full of body builders and fat people'" We both got a laugh out of that.

I saw something when we were ordering. Her internal struggle with what to eat and over all anxiety. She seemed a lot like me and I actually felt at ease ordering. Her eyes kind of glazed over. but we ate and it was done.

The hardest part of the day for me is always planning what I will bring to work for dinner (especially if I am not hungry.. I tend to underestimate what I will want). After lunch I ran to a store (or rode my bike) to pick up a few toiletries and then I came back to get ready for work. There was a moment's hesitation and then I just threw something together.

I was really tired while at work. I think this past week has been emotionally draining. Anyways I ate the first half of my dinner on my ten minute break because I was hungry but by the time I was on my real break i didnt feel as hungry as i "should" have been. I literally choked down the rest of my dinner. The manner was disgusting really. Then I stood for a minute wondering if I should grab a treat from the pastry case. What happened to not hungry? I couldnt tell anymore.

The result was a very crampy stomachache. My stomach was (and still is) overloaded.. or overwhelmed. It is not used to such erratic feeding.

A normal person may come across this entry and be so confused. Or they just think I am crazy because no normal person should have such a hard time with food. I suppose.. but maybe this is just how I deal with the other hard things in life..


A woman my mom used to know came into work. She used to be the typical cheerleader's mom, nails done and hair done up nice. This is not the same woman. She wears dirty clothes and has a dirty face. Her hair is in a pony tail and she starts to tell me how she can put sugar in her coffee if she wants. Then she starts lecturing my coworker on sexual harrassment and how disgusting it is (my coworker is male). She tells me she will only have a good night if justice is served to her daughters, who have been taught to stick their boobs and their tongues out at her. I feel horrible for this woman but my manager starts to complain. "If I hear her lecture one more time I'm kicking her out of the store". I argue that this lady probably can't help it.. maybe she's schizophrenic. "I don't care, she's crazy"

This same manager also complained about an anorexic woman who comes in. "She's so skinny, she's nuts. Her husband is nuts too, for letting her be that way" . I try to explain this woman has a problem, she needs professional help. I say this on deaf ears. To my coworker crazy is as crazy does.

Day One

Welcome welcome welcome! I guess as my first post as a blogger I should introduce myself. My name is Katherine though I go by Katie (or Kate or KT for those of you who love the internet)... I am twenty one years old and I am going to be a senior in college (ah where does the time go??).

Hobbies: reading, exercising, hanging out with my dogs, going out with my friends, cooking and making people happy.. and scrabble and crosswords.

Desires: I am going to be applying to medical school

Random fact: I love Harry Potter (come on, who doesn't) and am an avid recycler.

So why the blog you ask? I figured it would be good for two reasons: a) I am recovering from an eating disorder and would like the added motivation to get well.
b) I think it would be good to describe my journeys through school to med school for those who may encounter a similar desire.

Anywho I'm off for now to begin my day. It's gorgeous out and I don't want to miss it!