My New Friend

This summer I worked as a barista at Starbuck's. Now, I know what you are thinking.. big corporation, ruins little businesses, absolutely horrible. Well be that as it may, I made many friends and contacts at Starbucks so I am generally happy that I worked there. Despite talking to countless doctors I also met an amazing individual, Kristin.

Kristin is a photographer working to save money while at school. She is twenty six years old, charismatic and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. One day we got to talking about one of the other girls on our shift.. I was livid because male customers kept telling my coworker how great she looked now that she "lost all that weight". Didn't she feel upset?? Immediately Kristin and I started talking about how sensitive an issue weight is for females.. and for whatever reason I felt comfortable to tell Kristin quickly that I had flirted with an eating disorder in the past..

" My sister had a really serious eating disorder too, so I understand"

Well now we had a conversation. I opened up a bit more by telling her my plan to have an exhibit for love your body month at my school.
"That is SUCH a good idea!" And then she was involved. Together we decided it would be a great idea to have a boston meet up, for women who have body issues.. not just women with an eating disorder but women who struggle on a daily basis just because. Kristin told me that while she never had an eating disorder herself, she always questions her hunger, her food choices, her lifestyle. She talked about the negative attitude she has towards her body and her weird food habits.. like buying a food she really is craving, maybe a "bad food", eating a piece of it and throwing the rest out for fear she will eat it all.
Wow, it sounded familiar.
The more we talked the more we realized how much we had in common. Between weird food habits and negative "voices" we were actually pretty similar. And funny, we both agreed it had nothing to do with food or weight. There was a bigger issue at hand. Bigger than either of us could comprehend on our own.

And so the love your body project had began. Not too long after Kristin told me how she was inspired to attend an OA meeting. Now Kristin is by no means a big girl. In fact, Kristin told me she had felt insecure to attend this meeting because she was not big.. but once she got there she felt comfortable. People were there to listen. To support one another. It is not about the weight but about the feelings, the behaviors. Why do we torture ourselves our bodies? Since then Kristin has been seeking a healthy life, mentally and physically.

Today we got together for coffee and we talked. We talked about our lives, our futures our careers.. We talked about our hopes, our dreams. We talked about our disorders and our questions and our insecurities. I really enjoy talking to Kristin and I feel so honored to have such a fabulous person as my friend. She just got a really good job and is leaving starbucks. I am so happy for her and she told me her friend and her are going to open their own business. I am ecstatic for her. We are young now. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Yesterday was dinner at grandmas. Initially I freaked out. Anxiety over not being hungry or being too hungry, overall confusion. But I walked my dog (a short walk) and I breathed.

At grandma's we relaxed first. My uncle and aunt came and we talked, we cooked lobster and potatoes. My uncle, mom and myself went to wholefoods to get me and my mom some dinner (we don't eat lobster so it was salmon for me and a sandwich for my mom) and we came back to finish the meal. And we ate. My uncle was very patient with me. he has seen me in the hospital and was very supportive. He made sure to wait for me at wholefoods while I freaked over whether I should get frozen yogurt or ice cream (let's just get both!). He waited for me while I cooked my salmon, instead of letting everyone else eat without me (on a seperate occasion my mom had just had everyone eat dinner while I was still cooking mine.. I hate being the last one eating or having any attention drawn to me at mealtimes). He talked to me like a normal person. I love my uncle and my aunt for this. They don't bring up food while i'm trying to eat. we talk about other things.

Afterwards I wasn't going to eat cake. oh the trans fats. But all of a sudden I had this urge. This cake urge. I had cake, ice cream (well, a mix between soy and frozen yogurt) and watermelon. no regrets. Just tired.

At home that night I had cereal and milk. I was hungry. Then I had a really great conversation with my dad. That hasn't happened in a long while. It was a successful day, I would say.

This morning I woke up. I ate cereal.. I was going to try something new but I couldn't do that so I just settled on easy. Then I struggled with whether or not to go to the gym. i read for a bit and then I decided to go. And it went.. okay.

at home I was energized. I cleaned and tried not to think too much about lunch. When lunch came, I ate. unfortunately i was still hungry afterwards but I surpressed the urge to eat more for a while, then I "gave in". Or allowed myself to eat.

at starbucks I put milk in my coffee. And I had a snack later that afternoon.

anxiety hit.. .cardio??? no. Instead I did yoga. wow i love that yoga.

and i was able to go to dinner. order a real meal and eat it all.

and when I came home, soymilk, fruit and a cookie. I guilted about the cookie for a bit. but i am over it. And i needed it.

i can do this. tomorrow will go well. Then, it's off to school. cross your fingers folks.