Where has this semester gone?

So generally at this point of the year I am psyched- Summer is swiftly approaching. This year is different, however, as a) I am graduating, b) I have no f-ing clue what I am going to be doing when I get out and c) the economy is shit.

I have decided I am going to do a direct entry Nurse to Nurse Practitioner master's program. In order to do this I will need to take a year off to take prerequisite classes and to apply to the programs. This is daunting- what the heck am I supposed to do with my time off? I honestly do not think I can spend any more time at home and while some friends want to get an apartment together in Boston I am kind of dreading the "next step". We wouldn't be able to get the apartment until September and I am afraid by then I will be trapped. At home, that is.

I just got back from being home for a week for Spring break. While things are better than they were before there is just not enough space for me to live comfortably and privately. What's worse, I generally do not eat as well at home as I do here... and as this is vital for my recovery, things get tricky. my family makes fun of me for my "finicky' eating habits... I prefer to eat solid meals and not junk food. I have to find some way around this. I am a lot more stable than before- and kind of hoping my period will come back but, at this point, I fear it is lost. My mom can't understand this.

I noticed that my mom and I have a really weak relationship. .. really, sometimes I just want her to talk to me, open up with me and ask me what is wrong/right/how I'm feeling. Just come out and ASK me, instead of hiding everything. Sure, I may say something you don't want to hear. but I know it's on your mind... she keeps everything closed up inside. When my ED was at it's height, we bonded over walking every night and weight watchers.. I clung to it because recipes and food were all we had. Really, there were no conversations of substance. Now that I am beyond this point, there are still no really conversations of substance. But I try to push for them. I just don't know how to open her up, really.

Okay well i must do work . and I'm going to admit that I am kind of freaking out about the heavy evening snack I just ate- will it upset my breakfast? Oh well.. need to get over such menial things.

Free time and eating disorders

I have a really hard time with free time. I don't know how to occupy myself and be satisfied with life and I recently discovered I am not alone. Another girl in the house who also has disordered eating and exercise told me today, she didn't know what to do- her work was done and she was basically sitting around, waiting to go home.
"What will you do at home?" I don't know, just sit around. But it's expected there

You see, the problem is, we have problems "sitting around" in our cubicles of a room. We have no real sense of belonging (other than the gym, after which comes the "now what" response). I suggested a trip downtown. what she really needs (and myself) is a hobby. Hobbies are hard to cultivate when you are focused on one solitary aspect of your life.

Recently, I have tried to get back into photography and I have started yoga. I am going to start playing the piano again, I think, and I think I may also restart collaging/scrapbooking. I like baking but I realized that is a dangerous hobby- too much food related and too much analyzing goes into what I am going to bake. I'm just too weird about food.

On that note, I ate dessert with lunch today and a pretty substantial breakfast. I don't feel too bad about the dessert (maybe just a slight tinge of guilt). I have been eating a lot more sweets lately though half of the time I don't actually crave them.. so I'm not sure if it's a good thing to be forcing myself to eat these sweets. On the other hand, it gets my mind off of food for a while (maybe it's that psychological connection between sweets/desserts and satisfaction). I think this stems from my mother, who always needs desserts. For now I won't worry too much about this but I will keep it in mind for the future. I really need to not be weird about food.

Sometimes I wish I knew how others viewed me. Do people see me as that "anorexic girl"? I know I often mention those girls in my entries but I am curious as to whether or not others see me this way. I try asking my friend Sarah from time to time but of course she says no. This is the only area where I am not sure I can trust her to tell the truth.

If I knew what other people's perception of me was, would it make a difference? Probably not. I mean, maybe it would make me more insecure but I already kind of assume people view me as the "anorexic girl". I think I am looking for people to tell me I am not weird and I look healthy. I really don't know if that is true though. Sometimes I pore over pictures of myself, trying really hard to see if I look abnormal in comparison to my healthy counterparts but honestly, I have no clue. It scares me sometimes when I look at magazine articles of "scary skinny" and I don't see a thing wrong with them. Am I scary skinny? It's all relative, I think.

I thought this website of celebrities with eating disorders was interesting:
http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm


today at lunch I kind of gave myself a pat on the back.. I followed this set "meal plan" in my head. Is this progress or regression? I would like to think this is progress but part of me knows I need to let go of control. Just not here, where everything is so crazy busy.

Honey I'm home and I had a hard day...

I have moved back home and have a horrible cold. At least the dogs kept me entertained during my sleepless night. This morning I dragged myself to Starbucks to complete a full day of work and hopefully infect no one.

I was so excited for daniela to come home. She is one person with who i can really talk and it is such a relief. I went by her house and we walked around the mall together just catching up. It was really nice. Afterwards I went to the store because (alas) we have no good food in my house. So I bought some fruit and milk and sushi for dinner and here I am.

I am trying not to obsess about food as much and just eat what I want when I want it. Tomorrow I work another night shift ( I haven't had one of those in a while) so I will try not to freak too much about dinner.

In terms of exercise things are pretty good. I didnt go to the gym today (again, work, illness so yah) and I managed to forget about it for the day (phew, what a relief). I was supposed to host a coffee talk tonight for women who have body image problems but me and another girl who is helping me to coordinate is sick so we are going to reschedule.

Speaking of this other girl, she is AMAZING. She called me today and told me how she went to O.A. This girl is not a big girl and looks average. I was so proud of her for going and sharing! She was proud of herself too. She is one of the few who understands my random mind. She told me how through these meetings she learned not to focus too much on how another looks in terms of size to decide whether or not they have a problem. I agreed and I said anorexic, bulimic, obese, tiny, all of our problems are alike and usually have nothing to do with food.

Forgive me for the chaos that is this post. I'm quite tired and need to rest and relax. I am still trying to maintain my sanity however.... and I have classes picked out for the fall!

Including: Physics at UMASS, Cellular and Molecular Neuroscience, a seminar in psychology and an english class! yay premed

Day 3

Yesterday went alright. It was quite busy and was scheduled for lunch with my aunt. I had an interesting medley for breakfast of cereal, fruit and some walnut bread and I had a powerful workout at the gym (meaning I felt strong.. not weak).

When I came back I made myself a protein shake and then showered. My aunt had wanted to go to this high protein "Knowfat" fast food place. It's funny because my aunt is a big woman (and she is well aware) so when we stepped into this place she said "I read a review for this place that said 'I don't know if it is just me but every time I come into this place it is either full of body builders and fat people'" We both got a laugh out of that.

I saw something when we were ordering. Her internal struggle with what to eat and over all anxiety. She seemed a lot like me and I actually felt at ease ordering. Her eyes kind of glazed over. but we ate and it was done.

The hardest part of the day for me is always planning what I will bring to work for dinner (especially if I am not hungry.. I tend to underestimate what I will want). After lunch I ran to a store (or rode my bike) to pick up a few toiletries and then I came back to get ready for work. There was a moment's hesitation and then I just threw something together.

I was really tired while at work. I think this past week has been emotionally draining. Anyways I ate the first half of my dinner on my ten minute break because I was hungry but by the time I was on my real break i didnt feel as hungry as i "should" have been. I literally choked down the rest of my dinner. The manner was disgusting really. Then I stood for a minute wondering if I should grab a treat from the pastry case. What happened to not hungry? I couldnt tell anymore.

The result was a very crampy stomachache. My stomach was (and still is) overloaded.. or overwhelmed. It is not used to such erratic feeding.

A normal person may come across this entry and be so confused. Or they just think I am crazy because no normal person should have such a hard time with food. I suppose.. but maybe this is just how I deal with the other hard things in life..


A woman my mom used to know came into work. She used to be the typical cheerleader's mom, nails done and hair done up nice. This is not the same woman. She wears dirty clothes and has a dirty face. Her hair is in a pony tail and she starts to tell me how she can put sugar in her coffee if she wants. Then she starts lecturing my coworker on sexual harrassment and how disgusting it is (my coworker is male). She tells me she will only have a good night if justice is served to her daughters, who have been taught to stick their boobs and their tongues out at her. I feel horrible for this woman but my manager starts to complain. "If I hear her lecture one more time I'm kicking her out of the store". I argue that this lady probably can't help it.. maybe she's schizophrenic. "I don't care, she's crazy"

This same manager also complained about an anorexic woman who comes in. "She's so skinny, she's nuts. Her husband is nuts too, for letting her be that way" . I try to explain this woman has a problem, she needs professional help. I say this on deaf ears. To my coworker crazy is as crazy does.