It's interesting how the human mind works.. or the eating disordered mind maybe. For the most part today went well. I had a really good workout this morning after which I felt strong, not exhausted. Then my mom and I went out- first to the bookstore (I LOVE THE BOOKSTORE) where I got an MCAT review book and some flash cards, two books (one being a birthday present) and a spanish english dictionary.
Next we went to my grandma's only to discover my grandma wasn't there.. my mom was stalling. She didnt want to go home (I couldn't blame her) so we went to the store and to russo's, at which point I had to tell her I really had to go back. She didnt want me to leave- she wanted me to go home with her. I think I keep her sane. I'm worried about her when I leave.

I made myself a yummy lo mein dinner tonight with soba noodles, edamame, cabbage and zucchini. I didnt think i was going to eat it all but I did. And I was still hungry. So I had an orange and tea. Still hungry. So then I had some ice cream, banana, soy milk and chocolate syrup. Ok good enough for now.

I rode my bike to target and then caught myself at the convienent store. Apparently I was still hungry and I settled on a thing of fig newtons when I got recognized by the boy who lives downstairs.

back at home now, I had one and a half of the fig newtons, a few grapes, a creamsicle, and cereal and milk. Now at long last I feel satisfied.

What is with this such intense hunger? It holds me back. I cannot deny myself any longer/ I will not. I need to eat to be healthy, to be strong, to have a social life.

Tomorrow I have work at 7 so that means I need to plan for tomorrow. i made brown rice at dinner and I have salad greens so I'll probably make a brown rice salad with some beans and corn. I wish I had some yogurt to bring but i ran out and I was too exhausted to think about food any longer. For now, however, that should do just fine.

anyways enough about food. I'm going to finish up my laundry, watch Harry Potter and begin studying for the MCAT. Studying requires lots of carbs and I consumed my share tonight :-) . I dont really feel guilty about it. I need to energy.


I'm nervous to move back home on wednesday. I wish I could live here for the rest of the summer. Being out of my house has helped me to really focus on myself and to get better.