I work up this morning a little anxious so I tried to calm myself down. I did my usual yoga routine (sun salutations always help!) and got dressed.. then I did my dishes. I dreaded going to breakfast a) because it is humiliating- I always bring my little bag with my cereal, coffee mug, water bottle and a book. I feel as though I am on display.

To break up routine I went to a different dining hall and immediately felt out of place. Thankfully my friend Sarah was up and ate breakfast with me. After completing my cereal I knew I should eat something with fat (as deemed by my meal plan). Sarah gets up, goes to the toaster. "Do you want any toast?". I don't think I would have had any had she not prompted me. So I made half of an english muffin and ate it with peanut butter. Just that simple prompt was really all I needed. I still feel crampy but I know I can do this. I need to keep myself motivated. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I am finding it hard to eat the snacks that the nutritionist wants me to eat. I know I should just force myself but it's too much for me to handle. I like being empty before meals... some sort of hunger to actually motivate me to eat. I know that my hunger is different than others, however. I either am consumed by it or I do not feel it at all. I guess you could say I am an extremist. This needs to end.

I wanted to cry yesterday, most of the day. I am so scared for my bones. It has been a very long time since I last had my period (we are talking a scale of many years) and I fear my future. I want to go to medical school and be a doctor but I am afraid my brain will be mush, my bones will be thin glass. If, that is, those things have not already happened. I am so scared.

Things to look forward to today: yoga, the sun.. .trying not to be too stressed out.

Day... 5?

yesterday I had my counselor appointment and I think this is the first time in four years she has seen me cry. It came up because I said I was afraid of being a weak 60 year old with osteoporosis.

"you probably have it now"

I just started to cry. I know this and I hate myself for it. I have osteopenia and I feel so weak. I want this to stop.

I had three meals and three snacks yesterday. It felt good but I was still tired.. my only exercise was some weight lifting from a video and riding my bike to and from work (maybe 10 minutes each way). I let myself go out to dinner last night- I picked up brown rice sushi from whole foods and had the whole tray in addition to some veggies and egg from the salad bar (it was so expensive!).

After my counselor i went to my friend's house to help set up for a party tonight. I was so exhausted ( I have been getting up at 5:15 am for work/ to let the dogs out). I felt so lame and so not into it . Am I depressed? I dont really know.. yes and no.

I am going to go to the gym this morning but I'm not sure how much I will do. I am really tired. Like really really tired.

Through my tears I asked my counselor "so then, what should I do? Stop working out".
She cocked her head and said " I think that might be good"

"I'm afraid I'll be weak, my heart wont be strong and I will lose bone mass from not lifting weights". I knew this was so wrong. I am already weak and I need to gain strength. Maybe I should just not go to the gym this morning. Somehow I can't bear it. It's what I do. It's what I know.

I took the dogs on a walk up and down the street. I am frustrated with them because they refuse to go to the bathroom.


The other night I sat on the couch reading. I was depressed and I didn't want to eat. I felt I had eaten too many carbohydrates... but as I was reading I realized I was falling asleep. Despite my lack of appetite, I made myself dinner. Then downed ice cream.

this deprivation, it really needs to stop. I can't keep this up. If i want to lead a healthy life and go to medical school I need to be healthy. I want to be the person keeping people healthy and NOT the person who needs to be kept healthy.