Free time and eating disorders

I have a really hard time with free time. I don't know how to occupy myself and be satisfied with life and I recently discovered I am not alone. Another girl in the house who also has disordered eating and exercise told me today, she didn't know what to do- her work was done and she was basically sitting around, waiting to go home.
"What will you do at home?" I don't know, just sit around. But it's expected there

You see, the problem is, we have problems "sitting around" in our cubicles of a room. We have no real sense of belonging (other than the gym, after which comes the "now what" response). I suggested a trip downtown. what she really needs (and myself) is a hobby. Hobbies are hard to cultivate when you are focused on one solitary aspect of your life.

Recently, I have tried to get back into photography and I have started yoga. I am going to start playing the piano again, I think, and I think I may also restart collaging/scrapbooking. I like baking but I realized that is a dangerous hobby- too much food related and too much analyzing goes into what I am going to bake. I'm just too weird about food.

On that note, I ate dessert with lunch today and a pretty substantial breakfast. I don't feel too bad about the dessert (maybe just a slight tinge of guilt). I have been eating a lot more sweets lately though half of the time I don't actually crave them.. so I'm not sure if it's a good thing to be forcing myself to eat these sweets. On the other hand, it gets my mind off of food for a while (maybe it's that psychological connection between sweets/desserts and satisfaction). I think this stems from my mother, who always needs desserts. For now I won't worry too much about this but I will keep it in mind for the future. I really need to not be weird about food.

Angry

I just got off of work and I am angry. and exhausted. and disgusted with myself.

So I was already really tired from work in general and I was kind of hungry. I ate my dinner on my ten and a really nice guy had brought my friend and I cake because it is our last week of work (he also hit on me and gave me his number but this is a different story, as he is 29 and married.. but very handsome). Anxiety hit.

my half didnt come until 8:30 and I was starving. I had a piece of cake with milk and some watermelon slices. I still felt hungry but I tried to ignore it.

My best friend, who has been avoiding me since MV, came into work with another one of my friends (to visit someone else). . when she realized I was working she acted all surprised. Then she informed me that they had gone to this restaurant that WE had planned to go to. I was like "what, no invite?" like all joking. "oh but you were working anyways..." SHE DIDNT KNOW I WAS WORKING!! I just wanted to scream or cry or punch something. WTF why does she treat me so poorly. I am so sick of it.

I guess I am over reacting but it is all of these little things adding up.

So then after work i had juice and I downed a big muffin (bran). I guess some people would say "good you need to gain weight" but I am sick of these sugars and these massive carb loads. I feel disgusting. I have work at 8 tomorrow and I just dont want to eat at all. Ever. adalkdjna;kdj;

Honey I'm home and I had a hard day...

I have moved back home and have a horrible cold. At least the dogs kept me entertained during my sleepless night. This morning I dragged myself to Starbucks to complete a full day of work and hopefully infect no one.

I was so excited for daniela to come home. She is one person with who i can really talk and it is such a relief. I went by her house and we walked around the mall together just catching up. It was really nice. Afterwards I went to the store because (alas) we have no good food in my house. So I bought some fruit and milk and sushi for dinner and here I am.

I am trying not to obsess about food as much and just eat what I want when I want it. Tomorrow I work another night shift ( I haven't had one of those in a while) so I will try not to freak too much about dinner.

In terms of exercise things are pretty good. I didnt go to the gym today (again, work, illness so yah) and I managed to forget about it for the day (phew, what a relief). I was supposed to host a coffee talk tonight for women who have body image problems but me and another girl who is helping me to coordinate is sick so we are going to reschedule.

Speaking of this other girl, she is AMAZING. She called me today and told me how she went to O.A. This girl is not a big girl and looks average. I was so proud of her for going and sharing! She was proud of herself too. She is one of the few who understands my random mind. She told me how through these meetings she learned not to focus too much on how another looks in terms of size to decide whether or not they have a problem. I agreed and I said anorexic, bulimic, obese, tiny, all of our problems are alike and usually have nothing to do with food.

Forgive me for the chaos that is this post. I'm quite tired and need to rest and relax. I am still trying to maintain my sanity however.... and I have classes picked out for the fall!

Including: Physics at UMASS, Cellular and Molecular Neuroscience, a seminar in psychology and an english class! yay premed