A rainbow after the storm

Today was a relatively good day. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, which is a plus. I did notice, however, I had a lot of problem concentrating this morning. I think I would attribute this to my eating habits but I felt as though I had a substantial breakfast. But still, I felt tired and full of angst. So tired I couldn't stand it. Has this ever happened? After lunch I was better but man oh man, those mornings kill me.

I'm doing a special studies on anxiety disorders this semester and I am SO excited! I love learning when I actually want to learn.

I have cross posted an entry from another blog below from yesterday: see the transformation?

I feel BLOATED. That is exactly how I feel. My body is so out of proportion right now. I'm going on a date in twenty minutes. How do others deal with this??

I just want to scream and never wear pants again. And, as counter productive as this is, I really, really feel like the past 8 years of my life were more of a waste than I already feel that they have been.

BLAHHAHAHAHA

Ok good things about today: I applied to a job and an internship and finished two cover letters.

I talked to my mom on the phone (briefly) and we didn't get into a fight.

I'm going on a date and not freaking out. Maybe it's because he's 27 and I know there is no future.

------------------

Update: the date went okay. He was kind of weird but again, I didn't expect much out of it. I got dinner anyways

I am trying really hard not to obsess about eating while, at the same time, eat enough.. this proves to be a real challenge, as I am often hungry. But luckily I have enough to keep my mind occupied today, between taking my sister to the pharmacy, to work, taking care of the dog and bringing him to the groomers, going to the gym at some point and working on cover letters. I just want to be normal. I did, however, eat a normal lunch (though still craving afterwards...). Why is eating such a fucking hassel?

I'm waiting for the groomer to call back so I can pick up my dog and go to the gym.. or maybe I'll take my cell phone with me and go to the gym first (though I really wouldn't want to be interrupted mid-workout.

On monday I met my aunt for coffee. She is such an inspiring person and she pointed out something that has been bothering me for some time- our family lacks authenticity... and this is probably why I have been so peeved, especially at my mother, who likes to pretend all is fine and that we have an idealistic family. I love her but I would rather her speak out then hold everything in. Sometimes, I hear her whispering to my dad.. I hate that because it usually means she is talking about me.

Said boy never messaged me. Figures.

I think Im going out to dinner with my aunt tonight. Yay! One less thing to worry about

Okay so I cancelled my appointment at Walden... I know, I know, I should have kept it but I really think I can do this. I'm going to set up therapist appointments at school, see the nutritionist... vow to not over-exercise.. And again, I know it's been said. But really. I need to do this. Maybe I am inspired by my dad. He hasn't drank since Thursday! YAY DAD! I really really hope he keeps with it. I am SO proud of him. I am tempted to throw away his beer, just to safeguard myself and him.

I went out with some friends on Saturday night and kind of embarrassed myself by making out with a guy on the dance floor. Though, we were both rather drunk and I knew him.. I just wish he would message me or call me or something! He said he would and I don't know if he was too drunk and didn't mean all of those things he says.. I need to put things into perspective. Would I actually date him given the chance? Whatever, I'd like to give it a chance. My new resolution: to be social whenever possible. Including going on dates. So long as the guy isn't creepy.

Speaking of going out, and drinking too much, I felt so gross yesterday that I went to the gym to run off my alcohol and hangover. I actually felt amazing afterwards but I know it is an ED habit. I didn't go to the gym today but I know i can get through this. Gah...

anyways, off to do a whole lot of nothing until I meet my aunt (we're getting coffee)... then to my counselor appointment. Wish me luck!

Merry Christmas everyone! I know the holidays can be tough but I hope that everyone has been good to themselves. It has been a constant battle but I resolve 2009 to be the year that I take care of myself... even if my self does not want to participate at times.

I have been seeing my counselor while at home and we have discussed different options- programs, meetings, groups. They all sound great but I have yet to call anyone. I think it is this fear of actually letting go.. or admitting my problem is bad enough to need help. And fear of the unknown, of course. I am still going to the gym reguarly but I'm trying not to go crazy. I haven't felt faint in a while so that's good. Still, I struggle with finding a balance.

I have no secure friend base here. I went out on Saturday, got bored at the bars and ended up meeting up with my brother. I have more fun with his friends than I do with my own. One of my closest girl friends and I have not been talking well- she seems so distant and when I talk to her, she just seems annoyed. or apathetic. I know that is part of her personality but I like when people actually want to talk to me. Otherwise, what is the point in calling?

Today I am breaking out of the usual and going to the aquarium with my cousin... yayy! I love the fishes.

My dad is getting worse and worse. My mom suspects congestive heart failure. i wish he would just take care of himself.

I keep telling myself that I will go to a MEDA meeting. There are some on Monday nights (so I missed it) but my brain is telling me, what's the point. I go back to school next friday.. that can't be nearly enough time.

I feel weak. So weak I am nauseous. Not weak in the physical sense but emotionally, I am weak. Why can't I beat my disorder. I should be able to reason myself out of this and yet, I cannot. As hard as I try my brain gets clouded by my mythical world of food and exercise.

I had an appointment with the nutritionist yesterday. I have not been following my meal plan and I told her how scared I am to be going home. I do not eat as much at home, nor do I feel the need to eat. There are no set meal times so I can skip meals as I please. The only thing that provides any sort of structure is the gym and a job, if I get my job back at Starbucks. Even there, people don't eat. She wants me to do an inpatient program. I know she is right, that I am too weak to beat this. Not weak. Intuitively, I know that's not true, I know no one can beat an eating disorder alone. But my brain is telling me I am weak.
I could admit myself but a) how the hell would I pay for it and b) my poor mom. The last thing she needs is a daughter in eating disorder rehab. She went through it once, I think a second time would kill her.

I'm scared for my bones. I'm scared for my teeth, my brain. I often have these visions of my teeth rotting straight through. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake and wonder if they are there.

Stress of finals has hit. With it come upset stomaches, anxiety, acid reflux and too much exercise. And the food, oh the food. Last night was "appetizer night". I made a huge salad, thought I was doing good. But I took home one of the giant "appetizer" pretzels. and in an eating disordered manner, ate the vast majority of it. right after dinner.

I am so sick, so sick of these disordered behaviors, of my strange character.

This morning I woke up anxious. I forced myself to breakfast but I was not hungry. I ate a little and promptly left. The anxiety brought by the dining hall was too much to bear.

I don't want people to pity me but, at the same time, I need to talk about this. I will make an appointment with my counselor at home but I don't want pity.

i need an escape for a while.

yesterday was so... fucking... hard.

I didn't exercise. I felt like my outlet was gone. I wanted to scream, to jump but I felt trapped in my own body. It was a weird experience where I felt as though I was floating. Some people use art, others, music. I used exercise. Despite this withdrawal I held back. I did not go because I knew I needed to not go. I need to feel things again and I can't numb myself.

My friend Sarah stood by my side. I talked with her and read with her. I am trying to maintain a focus. This morning, while I am going to the gym, i tried to get work done first. I am so frustrated because I was doing a quiz for physics and my calculations are not coming out correctly. And I see my grade drop in that class. I try so hard and yet I get no where.
We have another exam this weekend and I need to do well.. it is not an option.

I didn't drink much this weekend. Every Thursday seniors have a wine and cheese night and I had 3 glasses.. I was frustrated with physics. Last night my friends had a cocktail party for their twenty first and I only had two cocktails. .with cake. This morning I freaked in the dining hall for breakfast so I drank a Starbuck's frappucino drink in my room. I know I can do this. I just need to convince myself that I can.

All worn out and nothing fits

For me to not exercise is work.

I woke up this morning and had promised myself I wouldn't go to the gym. I would eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

So far so good. Lunch/brunch was a struggle. Brunch lunch is always a struggle. There was nothing that really appealed to me. I made toast and put two fried eggs on my plate. I never eat egg yolks. Today I ate an egg yolk, dressed with cheddar cheese. I guess I should feel accomplished but I don't really. After the event of eating the yolk it really makes no difference to me. The difference only lies in how I feel. I had the strongest urge for more caffeine and, after filling my mug with coffee I decided to crack open a coke. Something is so satisfying about coke. I can't really put my finger on it.

It's so embarrassing when I struggle with eating- everyone can see. Mary can see but I'm not sure she can see how much I am shaking. I don't think she knows the extent to which my disorder goes. Sarah does. But she is more likely to pat me on the back. The other night at dinner I was shaking while drinking my milk. She sat by.

What makes food so scary? I wonder if it activates the amydala, a region of the brain so involved with fear. I know it activates the brain regions most involved with addictions.. I need to look into that.

I talked to my dad this morning. Well, kind of. I was really anxious and I told him I wanted my dog.. and that was all. And that I want to punch things. I get so frustrated when I talk to family members because they never give me any type of response. They just expect me to talk and when I ask them something they can't answer my questions. I need someone who will respond to me.

I need a tattoo design. I want a non circular design that represents the female body and strength. I was thinking like a curvy silhouette... i really like that idea, actually.

Well today is a fun filled day of work (not really). It is just one day. I can make it through one day. I can make it through the semester.

I need to find some distraction. I am sick of this disorder consuming my life but, at the same time, I can't seem to let it go. The energy is building up in me and I am having a lot of trouble keeping with my meal plan "guidelines". In particular, I can't keep up with snacks. Every morning I have fought with myself about whether or not I should eat the toast too and while I do, it is not without agony. I need some suggestions. How do others make it through? I know I am to expect to feel bloated and I am to expect to not be hungry but it is against my nature to eat while not hungry. I feel like I need someone to just force this upon me.

As a result of my pent up energy/anxiety, I am stressing about the gym again. well, not really again as I never stopped stressing.

I need to remind myself that food is such a small scale in comparison to life and what i could be doing. One day is so minuscule. I need to do this, for my bones and for my health. I know I will be so much happier once I have come to a stable weight. Come onnn Katie.


Fall is here and it is getting colder. I can hardly believe that Thanksgiving is in exactly two weeks! I hope that I can enjoy the holiday without being too stressed out.

How does everyone else deal with stress during recovery? I need some suggestions.. some shout outs. I don't know if anyone reads this blog but I hope that if people do they may give me a few pointers.

I went out to dinner with my friend's parents last night and the anxiety level was surprisingly low. I was, however, awakened by an anxiety attack last night. At first I thought it was the sole glass of wine I had drank with dinner but I realized that wasn't the case. I think alcohol exacerbates my anxiety at times.

Of course this would make sense, as there is a neurological link between anxiety disorders and alcohol use/abuse (Milne) .. and even though it was one glass of wine, I am sure the neurochemical pathways intertwine somewhere along the line.. and I am also sure that I am hyper sensitive to alcohol because alcoholism runs strong in my family. Just a thought, anyways (see the link below if you are interested). I probably have lower levels of CREB/NPY.




Milne, David
Scientists Home In on Link Between Anxiety, Alcohol Use
Psychiatr News 2005 40: 22-a-25


In later news, I feel as though I did pretty horribly on my cellular and molecular neuroscience exam. I studied really hard for it but when the test came I could only remember the basics (barely) for everything. I was really disappointed in myself and am totally not looking forward to getting it back. On the bright side, I had a really good workout after?

Good things about this week:
I have not drank any diet coke since.. maybe Tuesday? I ran out and am pledging against it due to its affects on my teeth.

I have recognized my anxiety and calmed myself down.

I challenged myself by going to dinner with my friend's parents. And enjoyed it (though I got full fast.. but I went and did not order a salad).

I scheduled those two appointments.

I recognized that I was not eating enough and made a conscious effort to eat more the next day.

Further goals:
Do not obsess over the gym

Continue to lay off the coke

Do not obsess over coffee..uhhh

Take a day off.. for myself (gym) <-- yoga, ceramics, pilates could substitute



I am trying to keep myself relaxed/sane. I am going to do a quick gym jump before my parents come but I wont over do it.

struggle struggle struggle, some people just like to struggle

This week has been.. hectic and up and down. I won't go over the gorey details and it will suffice to say I really had trouble eating the first half of the week, I forced myself to eat the second half and today I just feel blah.

Last night I went to a lecture for one of my classes and initially I felt myself getting dizzy, zoning out. But I didn't feed into it.. I knew it was anxiety (I had just eaten dinner full of scary foods) and I tried to tone it down, which pretty much worked.

Another scary thing- I told my friend I would go out to dinner with her and her parents tonight (this always scares me.. I'm not sure why). There's no backing out, as reservations were made. Time to throw away my flakiness and get back on the boat.. then there's brunch with my mom and grandma tomorrow (ahh.. all this food related things). I'm trying not to obsess about exercise but I am obsessing a little. I guess its a good thing that I can admit this.

I made two appointments on wednesday: the nutritionist and the nurse practitioner.. Good times.


My mom went off her anxiety meds.. cold turkey. Since then she has complained of being "dizzy and anxious" (duh). I tried explaining to her that she should taper off her meds, not quit altogether. She changed the subject. I told her that she needs to recognize her anxiety and do something about it.. again she changed the subject. My mom is in complete denial about the fact that she has any type of problem and this really bothers me, to an extent. A) because she has seen her own mom struggle for so long and b) because she is taking these medications. .what does she think it's all in her head? I'm sure that is what she has been told in the past but she needs to recognize her issues. It also frustrates me because I have been working so hard to help my anxiety and eating disorder. Does she think this is all in my head? I'm sure..
I told her to get some exercise, how it helps. Of course, she thinks this is my ed speaking. She will never take me seriously about food or exercise. She doesnt realize that I know what to do, I just have an inability to do it right at the moment.

Then she preceded to tell me her doctor prescribed her bonine.. Why I asked? Oh because I'm dizzy, they think it's an inner ear problem..

Finally- I thought this was interesting: regarding doctors and their use of placebo



Honestly, doctors are such dumbasses sometimes. Way too quick to prescribe than to treat.

Sometimes I wish I knew how others viewed me. Do people see me as that "anorexic girl"? I know I often mention those girls in my entries but I am curious as to whether or not others see me this way. I try asking my friend Sarah from time to time but of course she says no. This is the only area where I am not sure I can trust her to tell the truth.

If I knew what other people's perception of me was, would it make a difference? Probably not. I mean, maybe it would make me more insecure but I already kind of assume people view me as the "anorexic girl". I think I am looking for people to tell me I am not weird and I look healthy. I really don't know if that is true though. Sometimes I pore over pictures of myself, trying really hard to see if I look abnormal in comparison to my healthy counterparts but honestly, I have no clue. It scares me sometimes when I look at magazine articles of "scary skinny" and I don't see a thing wrong with them. Am I scary skinny? It's all relative, I think.

I thought this website of celebrities with eating disorders was interesting:
http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm


today at lunch I kind of gave myself a pat on the back.. I followed this set "meal plan" in my head. Is this progress or regression? I would like to think this is progress but part of me knows I need to let go of control. Just not here, where everything is so crazy busy.

Love your body day

Today is love your body day at school and I am trying to start my day off right. My eating these past two days has been hard.. i am still trying to adjust from being home/here and I STILL cannot judge whether or not I am hungry. I am going to impose a meal plan on myself to get back on track (even though those are associated with anxiety) and I am going to taper my exercise again.. even though I did not really exercise over fall break (I just walked my pup). I need to get my period back and I need to get a life. Seriously, it's time.

At breakfast a girl who I see ALL the time (but who is also really standoff ish) chugged a bottle of water before touching her oranges or pack of plain oatmeal. I'm not really judging (I have all bran mixed with cheerios many mornings.. though I am trying to get myself into the habit of changing my habits) but I just feel bad. I tried to talk to her once (actually, twice) but she just put me off. I guess I can't help everyone.

I have been sleeping very strangely. When I went home I was in bed by 10 and up by 7 every day and now that habit is catching. I was up at 6:30 this morning (I went to bed at 10:30.. .SO EARLY) and I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did my yoga stretching and did some abs.. then read until breakfast at 7:30. My life is ruled by indecision.


My goals for today: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full (this is an ongoing goal.. anyone with an ed knows this is really really hard to do).
call health services and make my second appointment
focus on homework and the DEBATES
laugh a little.
do something artistic.--> in all fairness, blogging is sometimes artistic for me. but not today.

crashing after the long weekend

A weekend at home always throws me off guard and I never realize how much it screws me up until I am home at Smith.

In itself, I thought the weekend went well. My brother, sister and I threw a surprise party for my parent's twenty fifth anniversary (well.. my grandma did a lot of the work) and they were very surprised. It made me feel so good to see me dad happy and we had a father daughter dance (it was very cute).

On sunday I went out with my mom, which may or may not have been a mistake. We ended up meeting up with her friends and I think my mom was torn between trying to please me and trying to please her friends. Ultimately, I just felt awful for going and making her feel so uncomfortable. She should only be pleasing herself but I sometimes wear my anxiety on my sleeve (yes, another anxiety attack.. this weekend was full of them for sure).

This morning I left home at 12:20. Before I left I was cranky. We literally had no healthy food iin the house and I was starving. So my solution was I did not eat at home (isn't that what a normal person does?). My dad drove me to the bus station and in route I grabbed a greek wrap which was basically the starchy wrap and lettuce.

Upon reaching town I got coffee and that was just a bad idea. Dinner sucked/was overwhelming and I was freaking. My friends and I decided to get ice cream/frozen yogurt t0 detox and get out of the room but I think this lack of protein today had been bad news. My stomach just can't handle eating a lot of food because I realized while home I was starving EVERY DAY. My mom doesn't understand when I say we have no food, we really have no food. I'm sick of being home and being hungry. I dont want to go home for thanksgiving break because I know I will get so messed up again. I dont want my mom and grandma to come for parents weekend. I need to stay away.. far away.

my dad can come if he wants but I know he won't. At least he doesnt overwhelm me and will get me food when I need it. and not overdone sugary crap that my mom likes.. real solid food.

Connection: my mom, anxiety and sugary crap. That's always how it is. And coffee. being around my mom stresses me out.

Manic Monday

Today was frantic. I was productive and comfortable this morning but by 11 I had lost my house keys and school I.D. SHIT! I ran all around campus looking for them and had a panic attack in lab. Part of me was thinking (Shit how am I going to go to the gym) and the other half was just unable to focus on Physics. Alas, I had left them outside of my advisor's office.

At the gym I had high anxiety and high energy... not in a good way and I couldn't calm myself down. Luckily I got myself out of there so I did not overdo it.

And all was okay. Dinner was relaxed and I ate a normal meal. I did come back and have a diet pepsi, which I'm kind of regretting.. I can taste the fake sugar now and I don't like it.

I have discovered a new problem: One of my canine teeth is hypersensitive- I think my gum line is receding.. I don't know what to do. If anyone reads this blog, let me know if you have had a similar problem/know how to resolve it.

Later days

hard day.. or week

Today and yesterday seem as though they have been especially hard and I am struggling to find a balance. Regardless, I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. Sometimes I even convince myself that I am nearly cured. But the habits creep up.

Yesterday after lab I went to the gym for a light workout. I stayed to do an abdominal class and I was exhausted. I was miserable and I knew I shouldn't have gone. After the gym I saw again my insecurities pop out when I made myself walk across campus to get dinner at the "healthy house". I ate alone and felt very uncomfortable. I tried going to the library to read but that didn't work. My mind did not have the energy to read and while I tried to deny it, I knew that was the answer. or maybe I was lonely. I hadn't really talked with anyone in a while.

Back at the house I ate a large snack and tried not to feel guilty. I did some reading but I couldn't shake this feeling of isolation. Despite the fact that my door was open. Despite the fact that I conversed. I am seperated from these people by some invisible wall.

Lunch today was hard. I went to a pre-health meeting where lunch was supposed to be served but they had ran out. I had brought a salad from our packed lunch line but it was not filling. I ended up leaving the meeting early to go to another dining hall. I ate a normal lunch there, in an abnormal order and the entire time I beat myself up... "what's wrong with me?!"

so here I am back in my room. I just want so badly to be normal.

brand new day

I went to a nurse practitioner at my school yesterday and she helped me to see a little bit clearly. I have resolved to not work out more than four days per week. Instead I will take walks, do yoga, and enjoy time with friends. I think a huge part of my gym retreats is an escape from work and an escape from stress.. to blow off a little steam. I am going to start breaking out my camera again and do things free from food and exercise.

I didnt go to the gym this morning and i have felt bubbly all day.. I had a breach in my schedule, however. My lab got out really early so I went back to my room to do work. I had a snack (after a quick moment's agonization) and it was fine. But I also bought a diet coke off of my friend. I don't know what it is but I can't shake that image of working with a diet coke in hand. I have to break my fascination with caffeine and eating.

I am scheduling dates with friends, eating with people. I had lunch with some friends and surprised myself by my energy. True, half is anxious energy but its energy none-the-less.

I am going to a half an hour awesome abs class tonight. No cardio. If I want cardio I will go for a walk.

Thoughts

I find that after lunch I get tired/ want to eat though I feel full. This triggers anxiety and the need to go to the gym. I try to avoid these feelings by reading but sometimes it is so hard. Today I am only going to do a quick workout in the little gym nearby. Yesterday I did go to the gym but i had so much energy I accomplished a lot- and then went out.

I am trying to stay cool around my friends. I feel as though I am putting up this false mask of being healthy. Maybe if I can fool other people I can also fool myself. I have been trying to be as calm as possible and it helps a little. I have not been restricting, only mildly obsessing and I have not been over exercising. Its funny how I view things differently now that I am not entirely overtaken by this awful disorder.

Yesterday afternoon was really hard but I pushed myself to get things done. Sometimes I am so obsessive that nothing gets done.. little things like mailing out letters or cleaning my room become major challenges. But I see myself slowly easing into a different type of lifestyle. That is, I hope.

I went out for drinks last night with some friends which was good and awkward. I was so amazed that I had energy and it was a good feeling. A kind of normalcy with which I am unfamiliar.

I need suggestions, advice. I think I will schedule a physical exam with my school . . . though I am worried because last time they threatened me with weight. It is clearly not about weight people.

so should I continue working out. I feel like when I don't my chest tightens, I am not happy at all. I read a study that patients who were allowed to exercise moderately recovered faster and did not relapse as much. It makes sense to me.

Well yesterday I made it through a whole day a) not going to the gym and b) not restricting. I actually felt very with it all day, with the exception of one brief period after an afternoon snack. It is a very weird feeling for me, to actually live a normal day. It is kind of like the calm before the storm. i hope there is no storm approaching. I wonder what inspired such a change of attitude. I guess I was expecting it all along, I just needed school to give me an excuse to start. The knowledge for recovery, I have. I just need to put that knowledge to use. One day at a time. Finding other ways to occupy my mind when stress. YOGA. Decorating. Walking. Friends. Cleaning. Maybe being creative.

Today i will probably go to the gym this afternoon but maybe I will bring company.

I didn't go to the gym today and I feel really accomplished. It's funny because normally people would feel accomplished when they go to the gym. Today I felt at peace... i mean, I'm a little anxious right now but for the most part I'm okay. I didn't restrict and I found things to keep me busy... without really having to look far. My goal is to work out at the gym four times per week.. and find meaningful things to fill my time otherwise.

I like how this year has begun. I like my attitude and my lack of constant obsession. I feel happy today, a real rarity. I don't feel alone.