crashing after the long weekend

A weekend at home always throws me off guard and I never realize how much it screws me up until I am home at Smith.

In itself, I thought the weekend went well. My brother, sister and I threw a surprise party for my parent's twenty fifth anniversary (well.. my grandma did a lot of the work) and they were very surprised. It made me feel so good to see me dad happy and we had a father daughter dance (it was very cute).

On sunday I went out with my mom, which may or may not have been a mistake. We ended up meeting up with her friends and I think my mom was torn between trying to please me and trying to please her friends. Ultimately, I just felt awful for going and making her feel so uncomfortable. She should only be pleasing herself but I sometimes wear my anxiety on my sleeve (yes, another anxiety attack.. this weekend was full of them for sure).

This morning I left home at 12:20. Before I left I was cranky. We literally had no healthy food iin the house and I was starving. So my solution was I did not eat at home (isn't that what a normal person does?). My dad drove me to the bus station and in route I grabbed a greek wrap which was basically the starchy wrap and lettuce.

Upon reaching town I got coffee and that was just a bad idea. Dinner sucked/was overwhelming and I was freaking. My friends and I decided to get ice cream/frozen yogurt t0 detox and get out of the room but I think this lack of protein today had been bad news. My stomach just can't handle eating a lot of food because I realized while home I was starving EVERY DAY. My mom doesn't understand when I say we have no food, we really have no food. I'm sick of being home and being hungry. I dont want to go home for thanksgiving break because I know I will get so messed up again. I dont want my mom and grandma to come for parents weekend. I need to stay away.. far away.

my dad can come if he wants but I know he won't. At least he doesnt overwhelm me and will get me food when I need it. and not overdone sugary crap that my mom likes.. real solid food.

Connection: my mom, anxiety and sugary crap. That's always how it is. And coffee. being around my mom stresses me out.