hard day.. or week

Today and yesterday seem as though they have been especially hard and I am struggling to find a balance. Regardless, I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. Sometimes I even convince myself that I am nearly cured. But the habits creep up.

Yesterday after lab I went to the gym for a light workout. I stayed to do an abdominal class and I was exhausted. I was miserable and I knew I shouldn't have gone. After the gym I saw again my insecurities pop out when I made myself walk across campus to get dinner at the "healthy house". I ate alone and felt very uncomfortable. I tried going to the library to read but that didn't work. My mind did not have the energy to read and while I tried to deny it, I knew that was the answer. or maybe I was lonely. I hadn't really talked with anyone in a while.

Back at the house I ate a large snack and tried not to feel guilty. I did some reading but I couldn't shake this feeling of isolation. Despite the fact that my door was open. Despite the fact that I conversed. I am seperated from these people by some invisible wall.

Lunch today was hard. I went to a pre-health meeting where lunch was supposed to be served but they had ran out. I had brought a salad from our packed lunch line but it was not filling. I ended up leaving the meeting early to go to another dining hall. I ate a normal lunch there, in an abnormal order and the entire time I beat myself up... "what's wrong with me?!"

so here I am back in my room. I just want so badly to be normal.