I feel weak. So weak I am nauseous. Not weak in the physical sense but emotionally, I am weak. Why can't I beat my disorder. I should be able to reason myself out of this and yet, I cannot. As hard as I try my brain gets clouded by my mythical world of food and exercise.

I had an appointment with the nutritionist yesterday. I have not been following my meal plan and I told her how scared I am to be going home. I do not eat as much at home, nor do I feel the need to eat. There are no set meal times so I can skip meals as I please. The only thing that provides any sort of structure is the gym and a job, if I get my job back at Starbucks. Even there, people don't eat. She wants me to do an inpatient program. I know she is right, that I am too weak to beat this. Not weak. Intuitively, I know that's not true, I know no one can beat an eating disorder alone. But my brain is telling me I am weak.
I could admit myself but a) how the hell would I pay for it and b) my poor mom. The last thing she needs is a daughter in eating disorder rehab. She went through it once, I think a second time would kill her.

I'm scared for my bones. I'm scared for my teeth, my brain. I often have these visions of my teeth rotting straight through. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake and wonder if they are there.

Stress of finals has hit. With it come upset stomaches, anxiety, acid reflux and too much exercise. And the food, oh the food. Last night was "appetizer night". I made a huge salad, thought I was doing good. But I took home one of the giant "appetizer" pretzels. and in an eating disordered manner, ate the vast majority of it. right after dinner.

I am so sick, so sick of these disordered behaviors, of my strange character.

This morning I woke up anxious. I forced myself to breakfast but I was not hungry. I ate a little and promptly left. The anxiety brought by the dining hall was too much to bear.

I don't want people to pity me but, at the same time, I need to talk about this. I will make an appointment with my counselor at home but I don't want pity.

i need an escape for a while.