It's been a while

I haven't written in a while and generally, I see that as a good thing. While I do enjoy blogging, I generally blog when I'm slipping or in need of inspiration. Today is different.

I have been doing pretty well- of course, I have had my ups and downs but in general, the ups are bigger and better than the downs. I am trying to focus on my health and not those with EDs around me, who may otherwise be triggering.

One thing I realized yesterday- people who have never suffered from a mental disorder are surprisingly intolerant of individuals such as myself. My friend admitted to me last night that she used to get "annoyed" with me our sophomore year- I pointed out that I was really struggling.. I needed help. It kind of hurt to hear that, but I'd rather she told me than not. She just didn't understand. So I give her the benefit of not knowing, even if she is my closest friend. I guess one thing I gain from this disorder is patience and understanding.

As part of my course load this semester I have been doing a special studies. My topic: the relationship between eating disorders, anxiety disorders and alcoholism. In particular, paternal alcoholism.. One interesting thing to note: alcoholic fathers are more likely to have children who have anxiety disorders than alcoholic mothers. I am curious about the implications for genetics. I also have found that alcoholism, like eating disorders, may have developed after the anxiety disorder as a coping mechanism. Of course, I had suspected this but it is nice to see that this same topic has actually been studied. Anyways, in addition to writing a paper on the topic (and I will probably post a link when I am done), I am creating a website. I hope this makes people more aware and tolerant of all three disorders.

My final update for the day: I have decided to apply to nursing school. While I was all about medical school, I could never actually see myself carrying through with the process. Nursing is so much more attainable and I think, in the long run, it will give me the flexibility to pursue many areas of interest.

Well, time to read and study genetics. That and digest a shit ton of dairy (maybe that dinner wasn't the greatest idea...).

Okay so I cancelled my appointment at Walden... I know, I know, I should have kept it but I really think I can do this. I'm going to set up therapist appointments at school, see the nutritionist... vow to not over-exercise.. And again, I know it's been said. But really. I need to do this. Maybe I am inspired by my dad. He hasn't drank since Thursday! YAY DAD! I really really hope he keeps with it. I am SO proud of him. I am tempted to throw away his beer, just to safeguard myself and him.

I went out with some friends on Saturday night and kind of embarrassed myself by making out with a guy on the dance floor. Though, we were both rather drunk and I knew him.. I just wish he would message me or call me or something! He said he would and I don't know if he was too drunk and didn't mean all of those things he says.. I need to put things into perspective. Would I actually date him given the chance? Whatever, I'd like to give it a chance. My new resolution: to be social whenever possible. Including going on dates. So long as the guy isn't creepy.

Speaking of going out, and drinking too much, I felt so gross yesterday that I went to the gym to run off my alcohol and hangover. I actually felt amazing afterwards but I know it is an ED habit. I didn't go to the gym today but I know i can get through this. Gah...

anyways, off to do a whole lot of nothing until I meet my aunt (we're getting coffee)... then to my counselor appointment. Wish me luck!

Tis the season

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and, despite feared family angst it did not go that bad. I convinced myself to eat food and enjoy it and I did. No guilt, no restriction. It was a strangely normal day.

Back to reality. Today went well until 2PM or so. I went to the gym this morning but ate a substantial breakfast and lunch. Then I had a snack and I forced down an apple. I don't know why- I knew I would regret it.

boy did I regret it. I had been sitting doing work all day and I felt as though nothing had been properly accomplished.. I am researching molecular mechanisms of epilepsy and there is so much reading involved- I have worked on it for two days and have yet to begin the paper. I feel as though I spent a day sitting and for no reason.

Dinner time came and went. Completely not hungry but I knew by my impending fatigue that I should eat. I needed to be energized. I just couldn't motivate myself to eat.
Eventually I heated up some soup and had a roll with butter alongside. I ate it and while still not hungry, I was not satisfied. But at the same time, no appetite. I was so full of indecision and I just sat at the table kind of depressed. I envy those who can eat or not eat and not think about it. For me, the thought processes involved are rather exhausting.

I love being home and I hate it. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I can get myself out. For one thing, I am fearing the inevitable- going out where all of my friends are drinking. I don't want to drink. Don't get me wrong, I went out Wednesday night and really enjoyed myself but tonight is not my night.

Something about my house does this to me EVERY TIME. It really is hard for me as everyone in this household is so depressed. I feel like a loser to my brother when I don't want to go out and there is always this held anxiety. I can feel the tension in the air.

My dad is neurologically gone. He is not the man I used to share my stories with. He is a diabetic, alcoholic man with coronary artery disease. And I feel horrible for him because I know he is losing his memory and self awareness fast. He is depressed and trapped. If I lived here year round, I would probably be the same. Props to my mom for still being relatively sane.

I know the solution to my problem would be to get out. Leave my house. I just can't do it.

I miss smith. I think it is because there I am safe and warm. Mostly safe in my academic bubble.