Merry Christmas everyone! I know the holidays can be tough but I hope that everyone has been good to themselves. It has been a constant battle but I resolve 2009 to be the year that I take care of myself... even if my self does not want to participate at times.

I have been seeing my counselor while at home and we have discussed different options- programs, meetings, groups. They all sound great but I have yet to call anyone. I think it is this fear of actually letting go.. or admitting my problem is bad enough to need help. And fear of the unknown, of course. I am still going to the gym reguarly but I'm trying not to go crazy. I haven't felt faint in a while so that's good. Still, I struggle with finding a balance.

I have no secure friend base here. I went out on Saturday, got bored at the bars and ended up meeting up with my brother. I have more fun with his friends than I do with my own. One of my closest girl friends and I have not been talking well- she seems so distant and when I talk to her, she just seems annoyed. or apathetic. I know that is part of her personality but I like when people actually want to talk to me. Otherwise, what is the point in calling?

Today I am breaking out of the usual and going to the aquarium with my cousin... yayy! I love the fishes.

My dad is getting worse and worse. My mom suspects congestive heart failure. i wish he would just take care of himself.

I keep telling myself that I will go to a MEDA meeting. There are some on Monday nights (so I missed it) but my brain is telling me, what's the point. I go back to school next friday.. that can't be nearly enough time.