It's been a while

I haven't written in a while and generally, I see that as a good thing. While I do enjoy blogging, I generally blog when I'm slipping or in need of inspiration. Today is different.

I have been doing pretty well- of course, I have had my ups and downs but in general, the ups are bigger and better than the downs. I am trying to focus on my health and not those with EDs around me, who may otherwise be triggering.

One thing I realized yesterday- people who have never suffered from a mental disorder are surprisingly intolerant of individuals such as myself. My friend admitted to me last night that she used to get "annoyed" with me our sophomore year- I pointed out that I was really struggling.. I needed help. It kind of hurt to hear that, but I'd rather she told me than not. She just didn't understand. So I give her the benefit of not knowing, even if she is my closest friend. I guess one thing I gain from this disorder is patience and understanding.

As part of my course load this semester I have been doing a special studies. My topic: the relationship between eating disorders, anxiety disorders and alcoholism. In particular, paternal alcoholism.. One interesting thing to note: alcoholic fathers are more likely to have children who have anxiety disorders than alcoholic mothers. I am curious about the implications for genetics. I also have found that alcoholism, like eating disorders, may have developed after the anxiety disorder as a coping mechanism. Of course, I had suspected this but it is nice to see that this same topic has actually been studied. Anyways, in addition to writing a paper on the topic (and I will probably post a link when I am done), I am creating a website. I hope this makes people more aware and tolerant of all three disorders.

My final update for the day: I have decided to apply to nursing school. While I was all about medical school, I could never actually see myself carrying through with the process. Nursing is so much more attainable and I think, in the long run, it will give me the flexibility to pursue many areas of interest.

Well, time to read and study genetics. That and digest a shit ton of dairy (maybe that dinner wasn't the greatest idea...).

A rainbow after the storm

Today was a relatively good day. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, which is a plus. I did notice, however, I had a lot of problem concentrating this morning. I think I would attribute this to my eating habits but I felt as though I had a substantial breakfast. But still, I felt tired and full of angst. So tired I couldn't stand it. Has this ever happened? After lunch I was better but man oh man, those mornings kill me.

I'm doing a special studies on anxiety disorders this semester and I am SO excited! I love learning when I actually want to learn.

I have cross posted an entry from another blog below from yesterday: see the transformation?

I feel BLOATED. That is exactly how I feel. My body is so out of proportion right now. I'm going on a date in twenty minutes. How do others deal with this??

I just want to scream and never wear pants again. And, as counter productive as this is, I really, really feel like the past 8 years of my life were more of a waste than I already feel that they have been.

BLAHHAHAHAHA

Ok good things about today: I applied to a job and an internship and finished two cover letters.

I talked to my mom on the phone (briefly) and we didn't get into a fight.

I'm going on a date and not freaking out. Maybe it's because he's 27 and I know there is no future.

------------------

Update: the date went okay. He was kind of weird but again, I didn't expect much out of it. I got dinner anyways

Tis the season

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and, despite feared family angst it did not go that bad. I convinced myself to eat food and enjoy it and I did. No guilt, no restriction. It was a strangely normal day.

Back to reality. Today went well until 2PM or so. I went to the gym this morning but ate a substantial breakfast and lunch. Then I had a snack and I forced down an apple. I don't know why- I knew I would regret it.

boy did I regret it. I had been sitting doing work all day and I felt as though nothing had been properly accomplished.. I am researching molecular mechanisms of epilepsy and there is so much reading involved- I have worked on it for two days and have yet to begin the paper. I feel as though I spent a day sitting and for no reason.

Dinner time came and went. Completely not hungry but I knew by my impending fatigue that I should eat. I needed to be energized. I just couldn't motivate myself to eat.
Eventually I heated up some soup and had a roll with butter alongside. I ate it and while still not hungry, I was not satisfied. But at the same time, no appetite. I was so full of indecision and I just sat at the table kind of depressed. I envy those who can eat or not eat and not think about it. For me, the thought processes involved are rather exhausting.

I love being home and I hate it. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I can get myself out. For one thing, I am fearing the inevitable- going out where all of my friends are drinking. I don't want to drink. Don't get me wrong, I went out Wednesday night and really enjoyed myself but tonight is not my night.

Something about my house does this to me EVERY TIME. It really is hard for me as everyone in this household is so depressed. I feel like a loser to my brother when I don't want to go out and there is always this held anxiety. I can feel the tension in the air.

My dad is neurologically gone. He is not the man I used to share my stories with. He is a diabetic, alcoholic man with coronary artery disease. And I feel horrible for him because I know he is losing his memory and self awareness fast. He is depressed and trapped. If I lived here year round, I would probably be the same. Props to my mom for still being relatively sane.

I know the solution to my problem would be to get out. Leave my house. I just can't do it.

I miss smith. I think it is because there I am safe and warm. Mostly safe in my academic bubble.

All worn out and nothing fits

For me to not exercise is work.

I woke up this morning and had promised myself I wouldn't go to the gym. I would eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

So far so good. Lunch/brunch was a struggle. Brunch lunch is always a struggle. There was nothing that really appealed to me. I made toast and put two fried eggs on my plate. I never eat egg yolks. Today I ate an egg yolk, dressed with cheddar cheese. I guess I should feel accomplished but I don't really. After the event of eating the yolk it really makes no difference to me. The difference only lies in how I feel. I had the strongest urge for more caffeine and, after filling my mug with coffee I decided to crack open a coke. Something is so satisfying about coke. I can't really put my finger on it.

It's so embarrassing when I struggle with eating- everyone can see. Mary can see but I'm not sure she can see how much I am shaking. I don't think she knows the extent to which my disorder goes. Sarah does. But she is more likely to pat me on the back. The other night at dinner I was shaking while drinking my milk. She sat by.

What makes food so scary? I wonder if it activates the amydala, a region of the brain so involved with fear. I know it activates the brain regions most involved with addictions.. I need to look into that.

I talked to my dad this morning. Well, kind of. I was really anxious and I told him I wanted my dog.. and that was all. And that I want to punch things. I get so frustrated when I talk to family members because they never give me any type of response. They just expect me to talk and when I ask them something they can't answer my questions. I need someone who will respond to me.

I need a tattoo design. I want a non circular design that represents the female body and strength. I was thinking like a curvy silhouette... i really like that idea, actually.

Well today is a fun filled day of work (not really). It is just one day. I can make it through one day. I can make it through the semester.