Tis the season

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and, despite feared family angst it did not go that bad. I convinced myself to eat food and enjoy it and I did. No guilt, no restriction. It was a strangely normal day.

Back to reality. Today went well until 2PM or so. I went to the gym this morning but ate a substantial breakfast and lunch. Then I had a snack and I forced down an apple. I don't know why- I knew I would regret it.

boy did I regret it. I had been sitting doing work all day and I felt as though nothing had been properly accomplished.. I am researching molecular mechanisms of epilepsy and there is so much reading involved- I have worked on it for two days and have yet to begin the paper. I feel as though I spent a day sitting and for no reason.

Dinner time came and went. Completely not hungry but I knew by my impending fatigue that I should eat. I needed to be energized. I just couldn't motivate myself to eat.
Eventually I heated up some soup and had a roll with butter alongside. I ate it and while still not hungry, I was not satisfied. But at the same time, no appetite. I was so full of indecision and I just sat at the table kind of depressed. I envy those who can eat or not eat and not think about it. For me, the thought processes involved are rather exhausting.

I love being home and I hate it. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I can get myself out. For one thing, I am fearing the inevitable- going out where all of my friends are drinking. I don't want to drink. Don't get me wrong, I went out Wednesday night and really enjoyed myself but tonight is not my night.

Something about my house does this to me EVERY TIME. It really is hard for me as everyone in this household is so depressed. I feel like a loser to my brother when I don't want to go out and there is always this held anxiety. I can feel the tension in the air.

My dad is neurologically gone. He is not the man I used to share my stories with. He is a diabetic, alcoholic man with coronary artery disease. And I feel horrible for him because I know he is losing his memory and self awareness fast. He is depressed and trapped. If I lived here year round, I would probably be the same. Props to my mom for still being relatively sane.

I know the solution to my problem would be to get out. Leave my house. I just can't do it.

I miss smith. I think it is because there I am safe and warm. Mostly safe in my academic bubble.

Free time and eating disorders

I have a really hard time with free time. I don't know how to occupy myself and be satisfied with life and I recently discovered I am not alone. Another girl in the house who also has disordered eating and exercise told me today, she didn't know what to do- her work was done and she was basically sitting around, waiting to go home.
"What will you do at home?" I don't know, just sit around. But it's expected there

You see, the problem is, we have problems "sitting around" in our cubicles of a room. We have no real sense of belonging (other than the gym, after which comes the "now what" response). I suggested a trip downtown. what she really needs (and myself) is a hobby. Hobbies are hard to cultivate when you are focused on one solitary aspect of your life.

Recently, I have tried to get back into photography and I have started yoga. I am going to start playing the piano again, I think, and I think I may also restart collaging/scrapbooking. I like baking but I realized that is a dangerous hobby- too much food related and too much analyzing goes into what I am going to bake. I'm just too weird about food.

On that note, I ate dessert with lunch today and a pretty substantial breakfast. I don't feel too bad about the dessert (maybe just a slight tinge of guilt). I have been eating a lot more sweets lately though half of the time I don't actually crave them.. so I'm not sure if it's a good thing to be forcing myself to eat these sweets. On the other hand, it gets my mind off of food for a while (maybe it's that psychological connection between sweets/desserts and satisfaction). I think this stems from my mother, who always needs desserts. For now I won't worry too much about this but I will keep it in mind for the future. I really need to not be weird about food.

yesterday was so... fucking... hard.

I didn't exercise. I felt like my outlet was gone. I wanted to scream, to jump but I felt trapped in my own body. It was a weird experience where I felt as though I was floating. Some people use art, others, music. I used exercise. Despite this withdrawal I held back. I did not go because I knew I needed to not go. I need to feel things again and I can't numb myself.

My friend Sarah stood by my side. I talked with her and read with her. I am trying to maintain a focus. This morning, while I am going to the gym, i tried to get work done first. I am so frustrated because I was doing a quiz for physics and my calculations are not coming out correctly. And I see my grade drop in that class. I try so hard and yet I get no where.
We have another exam this weekend and I need to do well.. it is not an option.

I didn't drink much this weekend. Every Thursday seniors have a wine and cheese night and I had 3 glasses.. I was frustrated with physics. Last night my friends had a cocktail party for their twenty first and I only had two cocktails. .with cake. This morning I freaked in the dining hall for breakfast so I drank a Starbuck's frappucino drink in my room. I know I can do this. I just need to convince myself that I can.

All worn out and nothing fits

For me to not exercise is work.

I woke up this morning and had promised myself I wouldn't go to the gym. I would eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

So far so good. Lunch/brunch was a struggle. Brunch lunch is always a struggle. There was nothing that really appealed to me. I made toast and put two fried eggs on my plate. I never eat egg yolks. Today I ate an egg yolk, dressed with cheddar cheese. I guess I should feel accomplished but I don't really. After the event of eating the yolk it really makes no difference to me. The difference only lies in how I feel. I had the strongest urge for more caffeine and, after filling my mug with coffee I decided to crack open a coke. Something is so satisfying about coke. I can't really put my finger on it.

It's so embarrassing when I struggle with eating- everyone can see. Mary can see but I'm not sure she can see how much I am shaking. I don't think she knows the extent to which my disorder goes. Sarah does. But she is more likely to pat me on the back. The other night at dinner I was shaking while drinking my milk. She sat by.

What makes food so scary? I wonder if it activates the amydala, a region of the brain so involved with fear. I know it activates the brain regions most involved with addictions.. I need to look into that.

I talked to my dad this morning. Well, kind of. I was really anxious and I told him I wanted my dog.. and that was all. And that I want to punch things. I get so frustrated when I talk to family members because they never give me any type of response. They just expect me to talk and when I ask them something they can't answer my questions. I need someone who will respond to me.

I need a tattoo design. I want a non circular design that represents the female body and strength. I was thinking like a curvy silhouette... i really like that idea, actually.

Well today is a fun filled day of work (not really). It is just one day. I can make it through one day. I can make it through the semester.

I need to find some distraction. I am sick of this disorder consuming my life but, at the same time, I can't seem to let it go. The energy is building up in me and I am having a lot of trouble keeping with my meal plan "guidelines". In particular, I can't keep up with snacks. Every morning I have fought with myself about whether or not I should eat the toast too and while I do, it is not without agony. I need some suggestions. How do others make it through? I know I am to expect to feel bloated and I am to expect to not be hungry but it is against my nature to eat while not hungry. I feel like I need someone to just force this upon me.

As a result of my pent up energy/anxiety, I am stressing about the gym again. well, not really again as I never stopped stressing.

I need to remind myself that food is such a small scale in comparison to life and what i could be doing. One day is so minuscule. I need to do this, for my bones and for my health. I know I will be so much happier once I have come to a stable weight. Come onnn Katie.


Fall is here and it is getting colder. I can hardly believe that Thanksgiving is in exactly two weeks! I hope that I can enjoy the holiday without being too stressed out.

How does everyone else deal with stress during recovery? I need some suggestions.. some shout outs. I don't know if anyone reads this blog but I hope that if people do they may give me a few pointers.

I work up this morning a little anxious so I tried to calm myself down. I did my usual yoga routine (sun salutations always help!) and got dressed.. then I did my dishes. I dreaded going to breakfast a) because it is humiliating- I always bring my little bag with my cereal, coffee mug, water bottle and a book. I feel as though I am on display.

To break up routine I went to a different dining hall and immediately felt out of place. Thankfully my friend Sarah was up and ate breakfast with me. After completing my cereal I knew I should eat something with fat (as deemed by my meal plan). Sarah gets up, goes to the toaster. "Do you want any toast?". I don't think I would have had any had she not prompted me. So I made half of an english muffin and ate it with peanut butter. Just that simple prompt was really all I needed. I still feel crampy but I know I can do this. I need to keep myself motivated. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I am finding it hard to eat the snacks that the nutritionist wants me to eat. I know I should just force myself but it's too much for me to handle. I like being empty before meals... some sort of hunger to actually motivate me to eat. I know that my hunger is different than others, however. I either am consumed by it or I do not feel it at all. I guess you could say I am an extremist. This needs to end.

I wanted to cry yesterday, most of the day. I am so scared for my bones. It has been a very long time since I last had my period (we are talking a scale of many years) and I fear my future. I want to go to medical school and be a doctor but I am afraid my brain will be mush, my bones will be thin glass. If, that is, those things have not already happened. I am so scared.

Things to look forward to today: yoga, the sun.. .trying not to be too stressed out.

My brain is slowly recovering. I took the weekend off from exercise and tried to eat slightly better. It's funny because it seems as though when I am focusing on following a meal plan I want food less. There is more anxiety involved. That being said I am kind of forcing myself to eat better.. or at least to not be starving or living off of fruit. I am also curtailing my coffee habit. That may be the most difficult part. Coffee=Love. Until it kills my stomach, at least. I see the nutritionist again on Friday. I really like her.

I came across an article in the New York Times today saying that schools across the country have started to regulate what kids can and cannot eat in schools- old news to most of us. This includes, however, bake sales- baked goods are not allowed to be sold during school hours.
Bake Sales

This is a little over the top and unrealistic. Children will not learn that junk food is bad and are more likely to rebel and eat it out of school. Making a certain food taboo is never a solution. While I agree there is way too much sugar in our society I don't think the government has a right to ban what we can and cannot eat.

Now, at the same time, I am a strong advocate for the ban on trans fats. How can this be?
Here is my line of reasoning- cupcakes and cookies are not necessarily bad in moderation- sugar is not the worst offender to health so long as they are incorporated into a balanced diet (maybe these kids should sell milk or Silk with their cookies..). I think when sugar is the ONLY option it is bad but people have a mind of their own and so long as they are informed enough to make a decision then it is fine.

Trans fats- Proven to be horrible for the health in small amounts and nutritionists and doctors across the country agree that it should be avoided at all costs- it is not part of a balanced diet at all (minus what is found in incrementally small amounts naturally). What do you think of trans fats debate? To what extent does the government have a right to moderate what we eat and when we eat it?

I saw a nutritionist yesterday and it turns out she works out at the Walden Clinic Satellite that was just established here (for those of you who don't know, Walden is an eating disorder recovery center in Massachusetts). At first I was really nervous but she just got to work.. we didn't stress over food much. She just told me she's making me a weight restoration program called the "Honolulu Diet" (haha so cute!) and she printed out the whole plan. We went over exchanges and where I might think I will have problems. I don't know if I will be able to follow it entirely, especially right away but I'm making a step in the right direction.
Me: "So what happens if I can't handle this meal plan. What happens if I mess up and freak out?"
Her: "Well, I'll be seeing you next week so we can talk through it and find something that works for you. It's not worth freaking out about"

She made me feel so optimistic. I can do this. She will not leave me hanging.

She also explained an interesting affect of alcohol on the brain- if you do not have enough glycogen storage in the brain or the liver the toxicity of alcohol increases. Thus someone with an eating disorder tends to be harmed more by alcohol than the average person. I'm really going to curtail my drinking from now on (though I did go to the bars last night.. I think only to prove that I could control amounts.. last weekend I had a blackout and it was really scary).

My brain hurts. I didn't go to the gym today and I didn't go Wednesday so I'm proud. That takes more energy sometimes. But for whatever reason, this nutritionist has put me at ease with myself. I hope I can do this. I need to for myself.

I bought some calcium citrate pills today, some protein bars.. I almost bought some boost but I chickened out. I didn't want to be seen walking around with boost. Something about that is shameful to me. I will get it though.

Another step towards recovery. This post is quite disorganized.. maybe I will come back to it and make it flow.