I saw a nutritionist yesterday and it turns out she works out at the Walden Clinic Satellite that was just established here (for those of you who don't know, Walden is an eating disorder recovery center in Massachusetts). At first I was really nervous but she just got to work.. we didn't stress over food much. She just told me she's making me a weight restoration program called the "Honolulu Diet" (haha so cute!) and she printed out the whole plan. We went over exchanges and where I might think I will have problems. I don't know if I will be able to follow it entirely, especially right away but I'm making a step in the right direction.
Me: "So what happens if I can't handle this meal plan. What happens if I mess up and freak out?"
Her: "Well, I'll be seeing you next week so we can talk through it and find something that works for you. It's not worth freaking out about"

She made me feel so optimistic. I can do this. She will not leave me hanging.

She also explained an interesting affect of alcohol on the brain- if you do not have enough glycogen storage in the brain or the liver the toxicity of alcohol increases. Thus someone with an eating disorder tends to be harmed more by alcohol than the average person. I'm really going to curtail my drinking from now on (though I did go to the bars last night.. I think only to prove that I could control amounts.. last weekend I had a blackout and it was really scary).

My brain hurts. I didn't go to the gym today and I didn't go Wednesday so I'm proud. That takes more energy sometimes. But for whatever reason, this nutritionist has put me at ease with myself. I hope I can do this. I need to for myself.

I bought some calcium citrate pills today, some protein bars.. I almost bought some boost but I chickened out. I didn't want to be seen walking around with boost. Something about that is shameful to me. I will get it though.

Another step towards recovery. This post is quite disorganized.. maybe I will come back to it and make it flow.