Tis the season

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and, despite feared family angst it did not go that bad. I convinced myself to eat food and enjoy it and I did. No guilt, no restriction. It was a strangely normal day.

Back to reality. Today went well until 2PM or so. I went to the gym this morning but ate a substantial breakfast and lunch. Then I had a snack and I forced down an apple. I don't know why- I knew I would regret it.

boy did I regret it. I had been sitting doing work all day and I felt as though nothing had been properly accomplished.. I am researching molecular mechanisms of epilepsy and there is so much reading involved- I have worked on it for two days and have yet to begin the paper. I feel as though I spent a day sitting and for no reason.

Dinner time came and went. Completely not hungry but I knew by my impending fatigue that I should eat. I needed to be energized. I just couldn't motivate myself to eat.
Eventually I heated up some soup and had a roll with butter alongside. I ate it and while still not hungry, I was not satisfied. But at the same time, no appetite. I was so full of indecision and I just sat at the table kind of depressed. I envy those who can eat or not eat and not think about it. For me, the thought processes involved are rather exhausting.

I love being home and I hate it. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I can get myself out. For one thing, I am fearing the inevitable- going out where all of my friends are drinking. I don't want to drink. Don't get me wrong, I went out Wednesday night and really enjoyed myself but tonight is not my night.

Something about my house does this to me EVERY TIME. It really is hard for me as everyone in this household is so depressed. I feel like a loser to my brother when I don't want to go out and there is always this held anxiety. I can feel the tension in the air.

My dad is neurologically gone. He is not the man I used to share my stories with. He is a diabetic, alcoholic man with coronary artery disease. And I feel horrible for him because I know he is losing his memory and self awareness fast. He is depressed and trapped. If I lived here year round, I would probably be the same. Props to my mom for still being relatively sane.

I know the solution to my problem would be to get out. Leave my house. I just can't do it.

I miss smith. I think it is because there I am safe and warm. Mostly safe in my academic bubble.