My New Friend

This summer I worked as a barista at Starbuck's. Now, I know what you are thinking.. big corporation, ruins little businesses, absolutely horrible. Well be that as it may, I made many friends and contacts at Starbucks so I am generally happy that I worked there. Despite talking to countless doctors I also met an amazing individual, Kristin.

Kristin is a photographer working to save money while at school. She is twenty six years old, charismatic and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. One day we got to talking about one of the other girls on our shift.. I was livid because male customers kept telling my coworker how great she looked now that she "lost all that weight". Didn't she feel upset?? Immediately Kristin and I started talking about how sensitive an issue weight is for females.. and for whatever reason I felt comfortable to tell Kristin quickly that I had flirted with an eating disorder in the past..

" My sister had a really serious eating disorder too, so I understand"

Well now we had a conversation. I opened up a bit more by telling her my plan to have an exhibit for love your body month at my school.
"That is SUCH a good idea!" And then she was involved. Together we decided it would be a great idea to have a boston meet up, for women who have body issues.. not just women with an eating disorder but women who struggle on a daily basis just because. Kristin told me that while she never had an eating disorder herself, she always questions her hunger, her food choices, her lifestyle. She talked about the negative attitude she has towards her body and her weird food habits.. like buying a food she really is craving, maybe a "bad food", eating a piece of it and throwing the rest out for fear she will eat it all.
Wow, it sounded familiar.
The more we talked the more we realized how much we had in common. Between weird food habits and negative "voices" we were actually pretty similar. And funny, we both agreed it had nothing to do with food or weight. There was a bigger issue at hand. Bigger than either of us could comprehend on our own.

And so the love your body project had began. Not too long after Kristin told me how she was inspired to attend an OA meeting. Now Kristin is by no means a big girl. In fact, Kristin told me she had felt insecure to attend this meeting because she was not big.. but once she got there she felt comfortable. People were there to listen. To support one another. It is not about the weight but about the feelings, the behaviors. Why do we torture ourselves our bodies? Since then Kristin has been seeking a healthy life, mentally and physically.

Today we got together for coffee and we talked. We talked about our lives, our futures our careers.. We talked about our hopes, our dreams. We talked about our disorders and our questions and our insecurities. I really enjoy talking to Kristin and I feel so honored to have such a fabulous person as my friend. She just got a really good job and is leaving starbucks. I am so happy for her and she told me her friend and her are going to open their own business. I am ecstatic for her. We are young now. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Yesterday was dinner at grandmas. Initially I freaked out. Anxiety over not being hungry or being too hungry, overall confusion. But I walked my dog (a short walk) and I breathed.

At grandma's we relaxed first. My uncle and aunt came and we talked, we cooked lobster and potatoes. My uncle, mom and myself went to wholefoods to get me and my mom some dinner (we don't eat lobster so it was salmon for me and a sandwich for my mom) and we came back to finish the meal. And we ate. My uncle was very patient with me. he has seen me in the hospital and was very supportive. He made sure to wait for me at wholefoods while I freaked over whether I should get frozen yogurt or ice cream (let's just get both!). He waited for me while I cooked my salmon, instead of letting everyone else eat without me (on a seperate occasion my mom had just had everyone eat dinner while I was still cooking mine.. I hate being the last one eating or having any attention drawn to me at mealtimes). He talked to me like a normal person. I love my uncle and my aunt for this. They don't bring up food while i'm trying to eat. we talk about other things.

Afterwards I wasn't going to eat cake. oh the trans fats. But all of a sudden I had this urge. This cake urge. I had cake, ice cream (well, a mix between soy and frozen yogurt) and watermelon. no regrets. Just tired.

At home that night I had cereal and milk. I was hungry. Then I had a really great conversation with my dad. That hasn't happened in a long while. It was a successful day, I would say.

This morning I woke up. I ate cereal.. I was going to try something new but I couldn't do that so I just settled on easy. Then I struggled with whether or not to go to the gym. i read for a bit and then I decided to go. And it went.. okay.

at home I was energized. I cleaned and tried not to think too much about lunch. When lunch came, I ate. unfortunately i was still hungry afterwards but I surpressed the urge to eat more for a while, then I "gave in". Or allowed myself to eat.

at starbucks I put milk in my coffee. And I had a snack later that afternoon.

anxiety hit.. .cardio??? no. Instead I did yoga. wow i love that yoga.

and i was able to go to dinner. order a real meal and eat it all.

and when I came home, soymilk, fruit and a cookie. I guilted about the cookie for a bit. but i am over it. And i needed it.

i can do this. tomorrow will go well. Then, it's off to school. cross your fingers folks.

ugh

Yesterday went pretty well.. I actually ate a normal dinner with my parents...

.. Today, a different story. I was too tired/hungry to go to the gym this morning so I gave myself permission to take the day off. But then I wasn't "hungry" at lunch. So I didn't really eat.

Truth is I was/am hungry. I just don't know what to eat because I didn't exercise, really. I'm going to my grandma's soon, to celebrate her birthday. So that means cake, food. I wont' eat cake. I hate the sugary taste to cake. But I may be expected to eat dinner. Usually this isn't a problem but today, it poses big problems.

Yesterday I gave myself permission to eat. I just can't do it . What the hell am I so scared of?

I tried not to restrict too badly tonight but boy did that muffin linger. It is funny (well, no, not really) how one "mess up" can ruin an entire day.. can make a person feel horribly guilty and angry all day long.

I didn't have my usual breakfast this morning- I had an odwalla bar instead but then I felt guilty for eating something so carby.. however the carb fest continued all day anyways (not without guilt, trust me).

I need a solid meal plan. I need someone to sit me down and give me exchanges again. I could do it on my own. But I can't. I need that push.. I don't want to see my nutritionist again because she just tells me "Katie, you know it already". She's right, I do.

I go back to school soon and I am nervous. School means buffets, it means salad bars, it means a lot fo work and exercise. Most importantly, it means a lot of other abnormal girls. I love my school but at the same time I want to punch some people and their behaviors. I want to shake them and say "take a day off from the gym.. eat food". They would just look at me and laugh.

I got angry last semester. A girl in my house was making fun of the "twiggy" girl in one of the dining halls.. "what's her problem, she pays 45000 dollars/year to eat carrots". I dont know how to convey to a person that an eating disorder is a mental problem, an addiction. Some people just don't understand. I want to cry for a very long time. Or take a very long nap. Hey, at least I didn't go to the gym today.

Angry

I just got off of work and I am angry. and exhausted. and disgusted with myself.

So I was already really tired from work in general and I was kind of hungry. I ate my dinner on my ten and a really nice guy had brought my friend and I cake because it is our last week of work (he also hit on me and gave me his number but this is a different story, as he is 29 and married.. but very handsome). Anxiety hit.

my half didnt come until 8:30 and I was starving. I had a piece of cake with milk and some watermelon slices. I still felt hungry but I tried to ignore it.

My best friend, who has been avoiding me since MV, came into work with another one of my friends (to visit someone else). . when she realized I was working she acted all surprised. Then she informed me that they had gone to this restaurant that WE had planned to go to. I was like "what, no invite?" like all joking. "oh but you were working anyways..." SHE DIDNT KNOW I WAS WORKING!! I just wanted to scream or cry or punch something. WTF why does she treat me so poorly. I am so sick of it.

I guess I am over reacting but it is all of these little things adding up.

So then after work i had juice and I downed a big muffin (bran). I guess some people would say "good you need to gain weight" but I am sick of these sugars and these massive carb loads. I feel disgusting. I have work at 8 tomorrow and I just dont want to eat at all. Ever. adalkdjna;kdj;

"be optimistic... don't be a grumpy..."

Martha's Vineyard was fabulous.. or it was pretty good. My best friend has a friend who lives on the island and the first day he drove us around and took us to the beach. Then we discovered our hostel, where we met many different types of people and was relatively clean. It reminded me of camp! The second day I was there some dancers offered morning yoga (7 AM). I was up so I did it (whooo so fun!). Then we rented bikes and biked over twenty miles that day... one of the trips was to Aquinnah, which was uphill somewhat (very painful but we were SO proud). That night her friend drove us to town for some ice cream and pizza and then to a pier to check out some bioluminescence (there was non, unfortunately). On the last day we went to a farmer's market, an outdoor sculpture garden and a fishing town/beach called Mnemensha. There we hung out on some rocks and my friend had a lobster lunch!

The downsides: My friend was kind of grumpy most of the trip (she gets that way when she is tired.. i tried to stay optimistic but that in itself gets exhausting when one person is always upset).
She also was semi restricitng, even on her long bike rides. I think this motivated me to eat more, just to show her it was okay.
She seemed upset with me most of the time but would not voice her opinion. Unfortunately for me I don't read minds.

Her mom and step dad picked us up at the ferry and took us out to Linner (haha, lunch and dinner!), which was so nice of them. My friend was tired and not hungry but again, I stayed cheerful and optimistic.

By the time I got home I had no energy to tell my parents again about all that we did and saw. My mom took me out to frozen yogurt (yum!) and then I came home and had cupcaeks and milk. At first i thought I was binging. But whatever, I need the energy.

Now I am back to the daily grind (so sad!) with lots of work. Yesterday I worked from 2:45 until 10:30 and today I worked 6:30 in the AM until now... yes it was quite the long day. Tomorrow I work again but then there is a cookout after down my street. I'm excited for that but again, nervous food wise. I'll just try not to think about it that much.

After my shift today I was hungry but didnt know what i want so I settled on a bran muffin. I always hate when I do that because I feel like it's "too many carbs".. I should have eaten some protein or peanut butter or something. Oh well, next time I guess. I just enjoy the bran muffins.. i just hate how they are so so sugary!

OH also. This guy who comes into starbucks a lot talked to a neuroscientist who works at MGH and he told her about me.. then he emailed me with her email so I can talk to her.. Sometimes you need to go where life takes you.. I see where this is going..

AND Christian from DENMARK called me! SO EXCITING! He was so cute and told me I should visit next summer. I am seriously considering making the trip.

Maybe I can get mary and/or marissa and/or my brother to join.

Speaking of my brother, we had a great conversation the other night. I just love when that happens... he's such a good kid.

Today was a better day. For one thing I didn't go to the gym this morning. I am still sick and decided my body needed to rest. Unfortunately, however, I did not eat a solid lunch. My mom and I were to go shopping and right before I had a doppio with milk and some hummus with veggies and bread (at least it was a solid snack). my mom normally does not eat lunch on the weekends (she has a brunch of sorts.. maybe I should start doing a brunch, snack and a dinner?).

Anyways we went shopping and it went okay. I'm not a big shopper but I got a sweatshirt and we got to talk at least. I think for school I want some shirts and bras but I'm afraid to buy bras as I'm sure I will gain some weight (and thus boobage) and yet I say this every year. Maybe I should get some clothes that fit? I want to look nice this year. I think I will go to downtown crossing tomorrow or filene's basement.

After we visited my grandma and I had an anxiety attack. I was sick of sitting down and I think my blood sugars were low, though i didn't feel physically hungry. I walked down the street to whole foods.. I think the walk in itself calmed me (I was stressing about not having exercised).

When we arrived home my mom suggested going out to dinner. "I want japanese or thai".

Did that come out of my mouth? Usually for me it's, "i'll take care of myself" or "I'm not hungry". So we went out to thai. And I ordered a normal meal and, over a glass of wine, I told my parents a few things about my thoughts, my health status. Sometimes i wish I dont tell them things, as i feel as though it shows my weaknesses. I am only human, however.

I got anxiety when i came home. I tried to relax. I felt tired, I didnt want to move. I took the dog for a walk to try to feel better but it didnt help so I sat down to watch a movie. Why am I always so tired after eating a full meal? I didnt like it.

My best friend and I are going to martha's vineyard on monday and I am excited but nervous. I hope things go well.

Under Pressure

I can't handle this pressure in my house, mostly revolving around alcohol. My younger sister just doesnt understand why I get so upset but drinking at my house is not normal. My mom told me, "Kate, loosen up a little".. she doesnt understand that she is promoting the very thing she is so against. Laura pushes a drink on her so she drinks it and Laura just laughs. Laura doesnt understand this is not normal. I just want to scream, cry. Maybe I'm the abnormal one.

I feel sick. I hate when my sister is around alcohol. I hate how she has such an addictive personality. I am seriously afraid for her future because she is so immature. I know she has to learn but it makes me mad when everyone makes me look like the bad person.

this blog entry is so disorganized. I am so upset. I have to go to my friend's for her 21st birthday. I dont want to drink. I'm sick but I have no where to go. I feel so trapped.