hard day.. or week

Today and yesterday seem as though they have been especially hard and I am struggling to find a balance. Regardless, I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. Sometimes I even convince myself that I am nearly cured. But the habits creep up.

Yesterday after lab I went to the gym for a light workout. I stayed to do an abdominal class and I was exhausted. I was miserable and I knew I shouldn't have gone. After the gym I saw again my insecurities pop out when I made myself walk across campus to get dinner at the "healthy house". I ate alone and felt very uncomfortable. I tried going to the library to read but that didn't work. My mind did not have the energy to read and while I tried to deny it, I knew that was the answer. or maybe I was lonely. I hadn't really talked with anyone in a while.

Back at the house I ate a large snack and tried not to feel guilty. I did some reading but I couldn't shake this feeling of isolation. Despite the fact that my door was open. Despite the fact that I conversed. I am seperated from these people by some invisible wall.

Lunch today was hard. I went to a pre-health meeting where lunch was supposed to be served but they had ran out. I had brought a salad from our packed lunch line but it was not filling. I ended up leaving the meeting early to go to another dining hall. I ate a normal lunch there, in an abnormal order and the entire time I beat myself up... "what's wrong with me?!"

so here I am back in my room. I just want so badly to be normal.

It is interesting for me to see how I have changed over time.

Yesterday was an overall good day. I didn't do too much physical activity and tried to stay relaxed... and then dinner hit.

Let me begin by saying the dinner did not appeal to me at all. It was gross, unhealthy and I kind of freaked out. so I made a salad.. and just kept adding random stuff and was completely unsatisfied.

I felt weak. Dizzy. Was this hunger? I think I have targeted that feeling as being anxiety. I ate enough to not be dizzy after a meal. I walked down to the library to try to do some reading but instead, I thought more about the situation. Last year I would have thought "wow, why am I so hungry if I just ate.. my stomach aches". It isn't hunger (well.. maybe sometimes it was). For the most part my body was overanxious. I think an influx of cortisol caused me to think I should eat a lot because I was in starvation mode. But now I feel better. Things are going well.. and as soon as I figured this out last night my symptoms magically disappeared.

Today I ate a good solid breakfast. I felt really good.. and it kept me energized (though my lack of caffeine did leave me a little tired..). I went to lunch and ate what was served. And felt full. Maybe not entirely satisfied (I am still underweight and I think that has a lot to do with it) but I knew if I ate more I would be uncomfortable.

I am easing myself into this process of eating enough, not overexercising and convincing my body I will do the right thing. This is not an easy process.

brand new day

I went to a nurse practitioner at my school yesterday and she helped me to see a little bit clearly. I have resolved to not work out more than four days per week. Instead I will take walks, do yoga, and enjoy time with friends. I think a huge part of my gym retreats is an escape from work and an escape from stress.. to blow off a little steam. I am going to start breaking out my camera again and do things free from food and exercise.

I didnt go to the gym this morning and i have felt bubbly all day.. I had a breach in my schedule, however. My lab got out really early so I went back to my room to do work. I had a snack (after a quick moment's agonization) and it was fine. But I also bought a diet coke off of my friend. I don't know what it is but I can't shake that image of working with a diet coke in hand. I have to break my fascination with caffeine and eating.

I am scheduling dates with friends, eating with people. I had lunch with some friends and surprised myself by my energy. True, half is anxious energy but its energy none-the-less.

I am going to a half an hour awesome abs class tonight. No cardio. If I want cardio I will go for a walk.

Mood development

I feel so happy lately; not at all the depressed, moody person I once was. I can face challenges pretty well and daily tasks are not nearly so daunting. My assignments are getting done without as much stress. I am participating in other social activities while keeping myself happy, balanced. Yesterday, after a brunch, my friend Sarah and I canoed on the pond. It was nice and relaxing and it occupied my mind for a while.

Exercise still presents a slight problem in terms of safe quantity. Yesterday I felt tired after 10 minutes.. I don't know what this means (I'm used to going for a half an hour) but I slowed it down and worked out for 20 minutes on the elliptical. I did some weights and some stretching, not too much abs. I was moody after.. a bit. I think I was hungry.

Tuesday I have yoga and I am really excited. Yoga is so amazing. :-)

okay well time to face my day... a very quick workout and then physics. blah to physics.

Thoughts

I find that after lunch I get tired/ want to eat though I feel full. This triggers anxiety and the need to go to the gym. I try to avoid these feelings by reading but sometimes it is so hard. Today I am only going to do a quick workout in the little gym nearby. Yesterday I did go to the gym but i had so much energy I accomplished a lot- and then went out.

I am trying to stay cool around my friends. I feel as though I am putting up this false mask of being healthy. Maybe if I can fool other people I can also fool myself. I have been trying to be as calm as possible and it helps a little. I have not been restricting, only mildly obsessing and I have not been over exercising. Its funny how I view things differently now that I am not entirely overtaken by this awful disorder.

Yesterday afternoon was really hard but I pushed myself to get things done. Sometimes I am so obsessive that nothing gets done.. little things like mailing out letters or cleaning my room become major challenges. But I see myself slowly easing into a different type of lifestyle. That is, I hope.

I went out for drinks last night with some friends which was good and awkward. I was so amazed that I had energy and it was a good feeling. A kind of normalcy with which I am unfamiliar.

I need suggestions, advice. I think I will schedule a physical exam with my school . . . though I am worried because last time they threatened me with weight. It is clearly not about weight people.

so should I continue working out. I feel like when I don't my chest tightens, I am not happy at all. I read a study that patients who were allowed to exercise moderately recovered faster and did not relapse as much. It makes sense to me.

Well yesterday I made it through a whole day a) not going to the gym and b) not restricting. I actually felt very with it all day, with the exception of one brief period after an afternoon snack. It is a very weird feeling for me, to actually live a normal day. It is kind of like the calm before the storm. i hope there is no storm approaching. I wonder what inspired such a change of attitude. I guess I was expecting it all along, I just needed school to give me an excuse to start. The knowledge for recovery, I have. I just need to put that knowledge to use. One day at a time. Finding other ways to occupy my mind when stress. YOGA. Decorating. Walking. Friends. Cleaning. Maybe being creative.

Today i will probably go to the gym this afternoon but maybe I will bring company.

I didn't go to the gym today and I feel really accomplished. It's funny because normally people would feel accomplished when they go to the gym. Today I felt at peace... i mean, I'm a little anxious right now but for the most part I'm okay. I didn't restrict and I found things to keep me busy... without really having to look far. My goal is to work out at the gym four times per week.. and find meaningful things to fill my time otherwise.

I like how this year has begun. I like my attitude and my lack of constant obsession. I feel happy today, a real rarity. I don't feel alone.