A rainbow after the storm

Today was a relatively good day. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, which is a plus. I did notice, however, I had a lot of problem concentrating this morning. I think I would attribute this to my eating habits but I felt as though I had a substantial breakfast. But still, I felt tired and full of angst. So tired I couldn't stand it. Has this ever happened? After lunch I was better but man oh man, those mornings kill me.

I'm doing a special studies on anxiety disorders this semester and I am SO excited! I love learning when I actually want to learn.

I have cross posted an entry from another blog below from yesterday: see the transformation?

I feel BLOATED. That is exactly how I feel. My body is so out of proportion right now. I'm going on a date in twenty minutes. How do others deal with this??

I just want to scream and never wear pants again. And, as counter productive as this is, I really, really feel like the past 8 years of my life were more of a waste than I already feel that they have been.

BLAHHAHAHAHA

Ok good things about today: I applied to a job and an internship and finished two cover letters.

I talked to my mom on the phone (briefly) and we didn't get into a fight.

I'm going on a date and not freaking out. Maybe it's because he's 27 and I know there is no future.

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Update: the date went okay. He was kind of weird but again, I didn't expect much out of it. I got dinner anyways

yesterday was a bust. I was horribly anxious and as a result I didn't eat a lot. I was angry, depressed and not hungry.. blah..

Today I go back to school somehow (damn snow.. it is always disrupting my plans for a ride. my mom hates driving in the snow).. I still hope she'll drive me.. though that is really really selfish. And I know I face a world of friends but also, triggers. I need to get my life in order this semester. There is no choice/other chance.

And I start work tomorrow? I'm so nervous about that.

I am trying really hard not to obsess about eating while, at the same time, eat enough.. this proves to be a real challenge, as I am often hungry. But luckily I have enough to keep my mind occupied today, between taking my sister to the pharmacy, to work, taking care of the dog and bringing him to the groomers, going to the gym at some point and working on cover letters. I just want to be normal. I did, however, eat a normal lunch (though still craving afterwards...). Why is eating such a fucking hassel?

I'm waiting for the groomer to call back so I can pick up my dog and go to the gym.. or maybe I'll take my cell phone with me and go to the gym first (though I really wouldn't want to be interrupted mid-workout.

On monday I met my aunt for coffee. She is such an inspiring person and she pointed out something that has been bothering me for some time- our family lacks authenticity... and this is probably why I have been so peeved, especially at my mother, who likes to pretend all is fine and that we have an idealistic family. I love her but I would rather her speak out then hold everything in. Sometimes, I hear her whispering to my dad.. I hate that because it usually means she is talking about me.

Said boy never messaged me. Figures.

I think Im going out to dinner with my aunt tonight. Yay! One less thing to worry about

Okay so I cancelled my appointment at Walden... I know, I know, I should have kept it but I really think I can do this. I'm going to set up therapist appointments at school, see the nutritionist... vow to not over-exercise.. And again, I know it's been said. But really. I need to do this. Maybe I am inspired by my dad. He hasn't drank since Thursday! YAY DAD! I really really hope he keeps with it. I am SO proud of him. I am tempted to throw away his beer, just to safeguard myself and him.

I went out with some friends on Saturday night and kind of embarrassed myself by making out with a guy on the dance floor. Though, we were both rather drunk and I knew him.. I just wish he would message me or call me or something! He said he would and I don't know if he was too drunk and didn't mean all of those things he says.. I need to put things into perspective. Would I actually date him given the chance? Whatever, I'd like to give it a chance. My new resolution: to be social whenever possible. Including going on dates. So long as the guy isn't creepy.

Speaking of going out, and drinking too much, I felt so gross yesterday that I went to the gym to run off my alcohol and hangover. I actually felt amazing afterwards but I know it is an ED habit. I didn't go to the gym today but I know i can get through this. Gah...

anyways, off to do a whole lot of nothing until I meet my aunt (we're getting coffee)... then to my counselor appointment. Wish me luck!

Yesterday I made a call to Walden to set up an appointment for outpatient treatment. I go to school so it would not be possible to enter a residential program. Also, I have been dealing with this disease for so long that it would be unwise to put me with those who are not as motivated to recover. I need to do this for me but I am so nervous. If I have to bring my own meals to this program it is not happening- i can't handle the stress at the moment. But, at the same time, I know I need something. I want to recover so badly.


My dad didnt drink at all yesterday. He is own a dieuretic to reduce his blood NH3 levels. Let's gooooo dad.

My mom is having a party with her friends today.. so I have to escape the house. Why is it that I always feel so lonely at home?

Lethargy and mania

I am crazy and I hate it. My body wants to do one thing, my brain another. I can't handle my conflicting desires and I can't manage a social life. So I either restrict and over exercise or eat "too much" and am lethargic. I need to figure out how to balance.

I woke up this morning, surrounded by my routines. My house depresses me and makes me tired. The cold in the house just makes things worse. I haven't been to the gym yet and it is driving me crazy. I feel lethargic and unable to accomplish anything. At least at school the gym is always accessible. Here, I don't have access to a car and it drives me crazy. I need the gym because it's stimulating. It puts me with people and forces normality.

I feel as though I am eating all of the time. I had breakfast, lunch and a zone bar and it's not even 2 pm. I know I need to eat, that's what I'm supposed to do. but i wont eat without a fight. I need to talk myself out of it. I'm tired because I'm not eating enough and am not socially stimulated. Or maybe I am eating enough? I don't even know, to be honest. I should schedule an appointment with the nutritionist my counselor suggested but I haven't.

My mom is trying to get my dad to go to rehab (alcoholism).. I get my hopes up but I know it won't happen. So many of his problems would be solved if he quit. Maybe then I could focus on myself. But I am immersed in my world of food. I fear I have an addiction to food. I feel disgusting. Like a fat ass.

I go back to school next friday. Honestly, I just want to be admitted to a program myself. I want to get healthy. I can't do this alone. I can't do this anymore.

Merry Christmas everyone! I know the holidays can be tough but I hope that everyone has been good to themselves. It has been a constant battle but I resolve 2009 to be the year that I take care of myself... even if my self does not want to participate at times.

I have been seeing my counselor while at home and we have discussed different options- programs, meetings, groups. They all sound great but I have yet to call anyone. I think it is this fear of actually letting go.. or admitting my problem is bad enough to need help. And fear of the unknown, of course. I am still going to the gym reguarly but I'm trying not to go crazy. I haven't felt faint in a while so that's good. Still, I struggle with finding a balance.

I have no secure friend base here. I went out on Saturday, got bored at the bars and ended up meeting up with my brother. I have more fun with his friends than I do with my own. One of my closest girl friends and I have not been talking well- she seems so distant and when I talk to her, she just seems annoyed. or apathetic. I know that is part of her personality but I like when people actually want to talk to me. Otherwise, what is the point in calling?

Today I am breaking out of the usual and going to the aquarium with my cousin... yayy! I love the fishes.

My dad is getting worse and worse. My mom suspects congestive heart failure. i wish he would just take care of himself.

I keep telling myself that I will go to a MEDA meeting. There are some on Monday nights (so I missed it) but my brain is telling me, what's the point. I go back to school next friday.. that can't be nearly enough time.