Lethargy and mania

I am crazy and I hate it. My body wants to do one thing, my brain another. I can't handle my conflicting desires and I can't manage a social life. So I either restrict and over exercise or eat "too much" and am lethargic. I need to figure out how to balance.

I woke up this morning, surrounded by my routines. My house depresses me and makes me tired. The cold in the house just makes things worse. I haven't been to the gym yet and it is driving me crazy. I feel lethargic and unable to accomplish anything. At least at school the gym is always accessible. Here, I don't have access to a car and it drives me crazy. I need the gym because it's stimulating. It puts me with people and forces normality.

I feel as though I am eating all of the time. I had breakfast, lunch and a zone bar and it's not even 2 pm. I know I need to eat, that's what I'm supposed to do. but i wont eat without a fight. I need to talk myself out of it. I'm tired because I'm not eating enough and am not socially stimulated. Or maybe I am eating enough? I don't even know, to be honest. I should schedule an appointment with the nutritionist my counselor suggested but I haven't.

My mom is trying to get my dad to go to rehab (alcoholism).. I get my hopes up but I know it won't happen. So many of his problems would be solved if he quit. Maybe then I could focus on myself. But I am immersed in my world of food. I fear I have an addiction to food. I feel disgusting. Like a fat ass.

I go back to school next friday. Honestly, I just want to be admitted to a program myself. I want to get healthy. I can't do this alone. I can't do this anymore.