This week has been difficult.. on top of school related stress (there is a ton of it) I also have ED related stress... I have had so much anxiety, between transitioning from being home and getting all of my work done, that my appetite has dropped dramatically. My energy levels have plummeted as a result, except for exercise. I have so much exercise energy I don't know what to do with it. I haven't done yoga in a while so I should probably get on that. And I am careful not to completely over do it at the gym. Maybe I am exaggerating- I didn't exercise at all when I was home (and I was freaking every day) and I drank a LOT of coffee.. well.. every morning. This morning I made tea because my heart was already thumping a mile a minute. I also made myself eat some peanut butter toast with my usual cereal- I had anxiety and didn't think i was hungry but I realized how much better I felt after that toast.

bah I need to get through this. I want to go on with my life, go to medical school.. but these are only hopes and dreams if I don't recover (what medical school will want their future doctors to need a doctor themselves?).

breathe... breathee.. and go.

physics exam this afternoon (yes, it is a saturday).

Sometimes I wish I knew how others viewed me. Do people see me as that "anorexic girl"? I know I often mention those girls in my entries but I am curious as to whether or not others see me this way. I try asking my friend Sarah from time to time but of course she says no. This is the only area where I am not sure I can trust her to tell the truth.

If I knew what other people's perception of me was, would it make a difference? Probably not. I mean, maybe it would make me more insecure but I already kind of assume people view me as the "anorexic girl". I think I am looking for people to tell me I am not weird and I look healthy. I really don't know if that is true though. Sometimes I pore over pictures of myself, trying really hard to see if I look abnormal in comparison to my healthy counterparts but honestly, I have no clue. It scares me sometimes when I look at magazine articles of "scary skinny" and I don't see a thing wrong with them. Am I scary skinny? It's all relative, I think.

I thought this website of celebrities with eating disorders was interesting:
http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm


today at lunch I kind of gave myself a pat on the back.. I followed this set "meal plan" in my head. Is this progress or regression? I would like to think this is progress but part of me knows I need to let go of control. Just not here, where everything is so crazy busy.

Love your body day

Today is love your body day at school and I am trying to start my day off right. My eating these past two days has been hard.. i am still trying to adjust from being home/here and I STILL cannot judge whether or not I am hungry. I am going to impose a meal plan on myself to get back on track (even though those are associated with anxiety) and I am going to taper my exercise again.. even though I did not really exercise over fall break (I just walked my pup). I need to get my period back and I need to get a life. Seriously, it's time.

At breakfast a girl who I see ALL the time (but who is also really standoff ish) chugged a bottle of water before touching her oranges or pack of plain oatmeal. I'm not really judging (I have all bran mixed with cheerios many mornings.. though I am trying to get myself into the habit of changing my habits) but I just feel bad. I tried to talk to her once (actually, twice) but she just put me off. I guess I can't help everyone.

I have been sleeping very strangely. When I went home I was in bed by 10 and up by 7 every day and now that habit is catching. I was up at 6:30 this morning (I went to bed at 10:30.. .SO EARLY) and I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did my yoga stretching and did some abs.. then read until breakfast at 7:30. My life is ruled by indecision.


My goals for today: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full (this is an ongoing goal.. anyone with an ed knows this is really really hard to do).
call health services and make my second appointment
focus on homework and the DEBATES
laugh a little.
do something artistic.--> in all fairness, blogging is sometimes artistic for me. but not today.

crashing after the long weekend

A weekend at home always throws me off guard and I never realize how much it screws me up until I am home at Smith.

In itself, I thought the weekend went well. My brother, sister and I threw a surprise party for my parent's twenty fifth anniversary (well.. my grandma did a lot of the work) and they were very surprised. It made me feel so good to see me dad happy and we had a father daughter dance (it was very cute).

On sunday I went out with my mom, which may or may not have been a mistake. We ended up meeting up with her friends and I think my mom was torn between trying to please me and trying to please her friends. Ultimately, I just felt awful for going and making her feel so uncomfortable. She should only be pleasing herself but I sometimes wear my anxiety on my sleeve (yes, another anxiety attack.. this weekend was full of them for sure).

This morning I left home at 12:20. Before I left I was cranky. We literally had no healthy food iin the house and I was starving. So my solution was I did not eat at home (isn't that what a normal person does?). My dad drove me to the bus station and in route I grabbed a greek wrap which was basically the starchy wrap and lettuce.

Upon reaching town I got coffee and that was just a bad idea. Dinner sucked/was overwhelming and I was freaking. My friends and I decided to get ice cream/frozen yogurt t0 detox and get out of the room but I think this lack of protein today had been bad news. My stomach just can't handle eating a lot of food because I realized while home I was starving EVERY DAY. My mom doesn't understand when I say we have no food, we really have no food. I'm sick of being home and being hungry. I dont want to go home for thanksgiving break because I know I will get so messed up again. I dont want my mom and grandma to come for parents weekend. I need to stay away.. far away.

my dad can come if he wants but I know he won't. At least he doesnt overwhelm me and will get me food when I need it. and not overdone sugary crap that my mom likes.. real solid food.

Connection: my mom, anxiety and sugary crap. That's always how it is. And coffee. being around my mom stresses me out.

Yet another high anxiety day..

it started last night. After dinner I just felt too full and overwhelmed with my work. I woke up with pretty much the same anxiety and it has just persisted throughout the morning. I am thinking of going to the gym to relieve some stress, though I don't know if that would be "feeding" the problem at hand (no pun intended).

There is a girl in one of my classes who I just recently recognized as having eating issues. I watched her all morning as she slowly ate one luna bar. At the end of an hour and a half class she didn't finish it. Later, I saw her at lunch to struggle with the choice of soy yogurt. she must have gotten overwhelmed because she chose nothing. I have this affinity towards people with eating disorders. I want to befriend them, first because I know we will have something in common but also, so I can help them to get over their problem. I asked her to join my study group. Hopefully I can get closer to her and maybe even help her.

At the gym I watched a girl work out on the elliptical manically. for at least an hour. The entire time she was watching cooking shows and I was afraid she would break in half. Or that her eyes would sink into her head. I tried staying back last time I saw her, in hopes I could talk to her. I want to reach out to people who are struggling, people like myself, but I just don't know how. I didn't end up waiting long enough. She probably had another go on the machine.

This resistance towards ourselves, our bodies. What is this constant denial of enjoyment, of life's pleasures. Of food and of rest. Why did I feel over anxious? Yes because of work but because I was judging myself by the food I eat. And by this feeling of being completely stuffed.. I felt like vomit.

Intuitively, I know I need the nutrition. I could stand a few pounds on my frame and I need it if I ever want my menstrual cycle to come back. Why this resistance? I am afraid of commitment, a real life. I need to accept this and I need to be independent. I can't have this monster controlling my life any longer. How do I make every day count towards this goal? First I accept that everyone has a bad day . I can't set myself up for disaster. I need to allow myself some outlet of escape. But what?

Manic Monday

Today was frantic. I was productive and comfortable this morning but by 11 I had lost my house keys and school I.D. SHIT! I ran all around campus looking for them and had a panic attack in lab. Part of me was thinking (Shit how am I going to go to the gym) and the other half was just unable to focus on Physics. Alas, I had left them outside of my advisor's office.

At the gym I had high anxiety and high energy... not in a good way and I couldn't calm myself down. Luckily I got myself out of there so I did not overdo it.

And all was okay. Dinner was relaxed and I ate a normal meal. I did come back and have a diet pepsi, which I'm kind of regretting.. I can taste the fake sugar now and I don't like it.

I have discovered a new problem: One of my canine teeth is hypersensitive- I think my gum line is receding.. I don't know what to do. If anyone reads this blog, let me know if you have had a similar problem/know how to resolve it.

Later days

Changes come in Autumn

I have been working really hard lately- working to get good grades, working to find a balance, working to keep my social life. Working to have friends.

Once, while talking with my counselor about being social, I told her I have a hard time being around people I have to entertain. I would much rather sit in comfortable silence. Immediately she responded " so you want a relationship without a relationship" and it hit me that I really need to change that attitude.

Around the house, I have been social.. or more social than usual. My door is open, sometimes I sacrifice work, and I try to eat most meals with people. I have challenged myself and I am proud of that capability.

Exercise: I have been exercising steadily but not like a maniac. I take days off and do yoga some days. I am getting better at listening to my body and my needs and I do not over exert myself.

Today: I woke up this morning and worked on some physics. I was feeling overwhelmed because of my workload and I "decided" to go to the gym (I decided last night...). I had a solid breakfast ahead so that was fine but after, I still had a knot of anxiety.. the anticipation of brunch? I went to brunch and was completely not satisfied. I went to the library to study and didn't even last an hour- I was hungry and sweating and going crazy in my head. I came back to the house, snacked and here I am, working on physics again. I need to be able to fill my food needs in a well proportioned manner. I resent meal plans but I have been unconsciously using them again to eat. I have no idea what my weight is but I sense it is higher, as my physiological signs of starvation are not as present (lower blood circulation, lack of concentration (minus post brunch), etc).

Eating disorders are more prevalent than ever and I am trying to help resolve my own. I think I am on the right track.. or a different track.


Fall is here. The leaves are changing and falling. Campus is beautiful. If it is not too cliche I would like to compare my own changing self to the changing of campus. I am changing and while my head may mourn at the loss of this disorder, spring will come and I will be a new (better) beautiful person.