Yet another high anxiety day..

it started last night. After dinner I just felt too full and overwhelmed with my work. I woke up with pretty much the same anxiety and it has just persisted throughout the morning. I am thinking of going to the gym to relieve some stress, though I don't know if that would be "feeding" the problem at hand (no pun intended).

There is a girl in one of my classes who I just recently recognized as having eating issues. I watched her all morning as she slowly ate one luna bar. At the end of an hour and a half class she didn't finish it. Later, I saw her at lunch to struggle with the choice of soy yogurt. she must have gotten overwhelmed because she chose nothing. I have this affinity towards people with eating disorders. I want to befriend them, first because I know we will have something in common but also, so I can help them to get over their problem. I asked her to join my study group. Hopefully I can get closer to her and maybe even help her.

At the gym I watched a girl work out on the elliptical manically. for at least an hour. The entire time she was watching cooking shows and I was afraid she would break in half. Or that her eyes would sink into her head. I tried staying back last time I saw her, in hopes I could talk to her. I want to reach out to people who are struggling, people like myself, but I just don't know how. I didn't end up waiting long enough. She probably had another go on the machine.

This resistance towards ourselves, our bodies. What is this constant denial of enjoyment, of life's pleasures. Of food and of rest. Why did I feel over anxious? Yes because of work but because I was judging myself by the food I eat. And by this feeling of being completely stuffed.. I felt like vomit.

Intuitively, I know I need the nutrition. I could stand a few pounds on my frame and I need it if I ever want my menstrual cycle to come back. Why this resistance? I am afraid of commitment, a real life. I need to accept this and I need to be independent. I can't have this monster controlling my life any longer. How do I make every day count towards this goal? First I accept that everyone has a bad day . I can't set myself up for disaster. I need to allow myself some outlet of escape. But what?