I have been working really hard lately- working to get good grades, working to find a balance, working to keep my social life. Working to have friends.
Once, while talking with my counselor about being social, I told her I have a hard time being around people I have to entertain. I would much rather sit in comfortable silence. Immediately she responded " so you want a relationship without a relationship" and it hit me that I really need to change that attitude.
Around the house, I have been social.. or more social than usual. My door is open, sometimes I sacrifice work, and I try to eat most meals with people. I have challenged myself and I am proud of that capability.
Exercise: I have been exercising steadily but not like a maniac. I take days off and do yoga some days. I am getting better at listening to my body and my needs and I do not over exert myself.
Today: I woke up this morning and worked on some physics. I was feeling overwhelmed because of my workload and I "decided" to go to the gym (I decided last night...). I had a solid breakfast ahead so that was fine but after, I still had a knot of anxiety.. the anticipation of brunch? I went to brunch and was completely not satisfied. I went to the library to study and didn't even last an hour- I was hungry and sweating and going crazy in my head. I came back to the house, snacked and here I am, working on physics again. I need to be able to fill my food needs in a well proportioned manner. I resent meal plans but I have been unconsciously using them again to eat. I have no idea what my weight is but I sense it is higher, as my physiological signs of starvation are not as present (lower blood circulation, lack of concentration (minus post brunch), etc).
Eating disorders are more prevalent than ever and I am trying to help resolve my own. I think I am on the right track.. or a different track.
Fall is here. The leaves are changing and falling. Campus is beautiful. If it is not too cliche I would like to compare my own changing self to the changing of campus. I am changing and while my head may mourn at the loss of this disorder, spring will come and I will be a new (better) beautiful person.
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