yesterday was so... fucking... hard.

I didn't exercise. I felt like my outlet was gone. I wanted to scream, to jump but I felt trapped in my own body. It was a weird experience where I felt as though I was floating. Some people use art, others, music. I used exercise. Despite this withdrawal I held back. I did not go because I knew I needed to not go. I need to feel things again and I can't numb myself.

My friend Sarah stood by my side. I talked with her and read with her. I am trying to maintain a focus. This morning, while I am going to the gym, i tried to get work done first. I am so frustrated because I was doing a quiz for physics and my calculations are not coming out correctly. And I see my grade drop in that class. I try so hard and yet I get no where.
We have another exam this weekend and I need to do well.. it is not an option.

I didn't drink much this weekend. Every Thursday seniors have a wine and cheese night and I had 3 glasses.. I was frustrated with physics. Last night my friends had a cocktail party for their twenty first and I only had two cocktails. .with cake. This morning I freaked in the dining hall for breakfast so I drank a Starbuck's frappucino drink in my room. I know I can do this. I just need to convince myself that I can.