I hate drinking. hate it. It makes me anxious the next day and I feel disgusting. I went out to the bars last night and I got the bartender to buy my friends and I drinks all night. 4 draft beers and pizza afterwards makes for an unhappy katie. top that off with going to bed at 3 AM. On the brightside I stayed in my bed until 10:30 and I refuse to put any more toxins in my body for now. I think I need a total detox. No more things in excess. Nothing is ever good in excess.

wise words from my dad.

I went out to dinner with my friend's parents last night and the anxiety level was surprisingly low. I was, however, awakened by an anxiety attack last night. At first I thought it was the sole glass of wine I had drank with dinner but I realized that wasn't the case. I think alcohol exacerbates my anxiety at times.

Of course this would make sense, as there is a neurological link between anxiety disorders and alcohol use/abuse (Milne) .. and even though it was one glass of wine, I am sure the neurochemical pathways intertwine somewhere along the line.. and I am also sure that I am hyper sensitive to alcohol because alcoholism runs strong in my family. Just a thought, anyways (see the link below if you are interested). I probably have lower levels of CREB/NPY.




Milne, David
Scientists Home In on Link Between Anxiety, Alcohol Use
Psychiatr News 2005 40: 22-a-25


In later news, I feel as though I did pretty horribly on my cellular and molecular neuroscience exam. I studied really hard for it but when the test came I could only remember the basics (barely) for everything. I was really disappointed in myself and am totally not looking forward to getting it back. On the bright side, I had a really good workout after?

Good things about this week:
I have not drank any diet coke since.. maybe Tuesday? I ran out and am pledging against it due to its affects on my teeth.

I have recognized my anxiety and calmed myself down.

I challenged myself by going to dinner with my friend's parents. And enjoyed it (though I got full fast.. but I went and did not order a salad).

I scheduled those two appointments.

I recognized that I was not eating enough and made a conscious effort to eat more the next day.

Further goals:
Do not obsess over the gym

Continue to lay off the coke

Do not obsess over coffee..uhhh

Take a day off.. for myself (gym) <-- yoga, ceramics, pilates could substitute



I am trying to keep myself relaxed/sane. I am going to do a quick gym jump before my parents come but I wont over do it.

struggle struggle struggle, some people just like to struggle

This week has been.. hectic and up and down. I won't go over the gorey details and it will suffice to say I really had trouble eating the first half of the week, I forced myself to eat the second half and today I just feel blah.

Last night I went to a lecture for one of my classes and initially I felt myself getting dizzy, zoning out. But I didn't feed into it.. I knew it was anxiety (I had just eaten dinner full of scary foods) and I tried to tone it down, which pretty much worked.

Another scary thing- I told my friend I would go out to dinner with her and her parents tonight (this always scares me.. I'm not sure why). There's no backing out, as reservations were made. Time to throw away my flakiness and get back on the boat.. then there's brunch with my mom and grandma tomorrow (ahh.. all this food related things). I'm trying not to obsess about exercise but I am obsessing a little. I guess its a good thing that I can admit this.

I made two appointments on wednesday: the nutritionist and the nurse practitioner.. Good times.


My mom went off her anxiety meds.. cold turkey. Since then she has complained of being "dizzy and anxious" (duh). I tried explaining to her that she should taper off her meds, not quit altogether. She changed the subject. I told her that she needs to recognize her anxiety and do something about it.. again she changed the subject. My mom is in complete denial about the fact that she has any type of problem and this really bothers me, to an extent. A) because she has seen her own mom struggle for so long and b) because she is taking these medications. .what does she think it's all in her head? I'm sure that is what she has been told in the past but she needs to recognize her issues. It also frustrates me because I have been working so hard to help my anxiety and eating disorder. Does she think this is all in my head? I'm sure..
I told her to get some exercise, how it helps. Of course, she thinks this is my ed speaking. She will never take me seriously about food or exercise. She doesnt realize that I know what to do, I just have an inability to do it right at the moment.

Then she preceded to tell me her doctor prescribed her bonine.. Why I asked? Oh because I'm dizzy, they think it's an inner ear problem..

Finally- I thought this was interesting: regarding doctors and their use of placebo



Honestly, doctors are such dumbasses sometimes. Way too quick to prescribe than to treat.

I woke up and showered this morning... ie: no gym. It was a tough call but I'm glad I did it.

I then preceded to breakfast, where I struggled. I made myself oatmeal and had an orange but I was still hungry.. so I freaked, couldn't decide if i wanted coffee or tea and on the way out the door I made myself toast. I think if I am to do something like skip the gym I should keep everything else the same to save myself some grief.

anyways this weekend was a bust. A lot of work though, so that's not a bad thing. Work today from 1-4.

This week has been difficult.. on top of school related stress (there is a ton of it) I also have ED related stress... I have had so much anxiety, between transitioning from being home and getting all of my work done, that my appetite has dropped dramatically. My energy levels have plummeted as a result, except for exercise. I have so much exercise energy I don't know what to do with it. I haven't done yoga in a while so I should probably get on that. And I am careful not to completely over do it at the gym. Maybe I am exaggerating- I didn't exercise at all when I was home (and I was freaking every day) and I drank a LOT of coffee.. well.. every morning. This morning I made tea because my heart was already thumping a mile a minute. I also made myself eat some peanut butter toast with my usual cereal- I had anxiety and didn't think i was hungry but I realized how much better I felt after that toast.

bah I need to get through this. I want to go on with my life, go to medical school.. but these are only hopes and dreams if I don't recover (what medical school will want their future doctors to need a doctor themselves?).

breathe... breathee.. and go.

physics exam this afternoon (yes, it is a saturday).

Sometimes I wish I knew how others viewed me. Do people see me as that "anorexic girl"? I know I often mention those girls in my entries but I am curious as to whether or not others see me this way. I try asking my friend Sarah from time to time but of course she says no. This is the only area where I am not sure I can trust her to tell the truth.

If I knew what other people's perception of me was, would it make a difference? Probably not. I mean, maybe it would make me more insecure but I already kind of assume people view me as the "anorexic girl". I think I am looking for people to tell me I am not weird and I look healthy. I really don't know if that is true though. Sometimes I pore over pictures of myself, trying really hard to see if I look abnormal in comparison to my healthy counterparts but honestly, I have no clue. It scares me sometimes when I look at magazine articles of "scary skinny" and I don't see a thing wrong with them. Am I scary skinny? It's all relative, I think.

I thought this website of celebrities with eating disorders was interesting:
http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm


today at lunch I kind of gave myself a pat on the back.. I followed this set "meal plan" in my head. Is this progress or regression? I would like to think this is progress but part of me knows I need to let go of control. Just not here, where everything is so crazy busy.

Love your body day

Today is love your body day at school and I am trying to start my day off right. My eating these past two days has been hard.. i am still trying to adjust from being home/here and I STILL cannot judge whether or not I am hungry. I am going to impose a meal plan on myself to get back on track (even though those are associated with anxiety) and I am going to taper my exercise again.. even though I did not really exercise over fall break (I just walked my pup). I need to get my period back and I need to get a life. Seriously, it's time.

At breakfast a girl who I see ALL the time (but who is also really standoff ish) chugged a bottle of water before touching her oranges or pack of plain oatmeal. I'm not really judging (I have all bran mixed with cheerios many mornings.. though I am trying to get myself into the habit of changing my habits) but I just feel bad. I tried to talk to her once (actually, twice) but she just put me off. I guess I can't help everyone.

I have been sleeping very strangely. When I went home I was in bed by 10 and up by 7 every day and now that habit is catching. I was up at 6:30 this morning (I went to bed at 10:30.. .SO EARLY) and I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did my yoga stretching and did some abs.. then read until breakfast at 7:30. My life is ruled by indecision.


My goals for today: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full (this is an ongoing goal.. anyone with an ed knows this is really really hard to do).
call health services and make my second appointment
focus on homework and the DEBATES
laugh a little.
do something artistic.--> in all fairness, blogging is sometimes artistic for me. but not today.

crashing after the long weekend

A weekend at home always throws me off guard and I never realize how much it screws me up until I am home at Smith.

In itself, I thought the weekend went well. My brother, sister and I threw a surprise party for my parent's twenty fifth anniversary (well.. my grandma did a lot of the work) and they were very surprised. It made me feel so good to see me dad happy and we had a father daughter dance (it was very cute).

On sunday I went out with my mom, which may or may not have been a mistake. We ended up meeting up with her friends and I think my mom was torn between trying to please me and trying to please her friends. Ultimately, I just felt awful for going and making her feel so uncomfortable. She should only be pleasing herself but I sometimes wear my anxiety on my sleeve (yes, another anxiety attack.. this weekend was full of them for sure).

This morning I left home at 12:20. Before I left I was cranky. We literally had no healthy food iin the house and I was starving. So my solution was I did not eat at home (isn't that what a normal person does?). My dad drove me to the bus station and in route I grabbed a greek wrap which was basically the starchy wrap and lettuce.

Upon reaching town I got coffee and that was just a bad idea. Dinner sucked/was overwhelming and I was freaking. My friends and I decided to get ice cream/frozen yogurt t0 detox and get out of the room but I think this lack of protein today had been bad news. My stomach just can't handle eating a lot of food because I realized while home I was starving EVERY DAY. My mom doesn't understand when I say we have no food, we really have no food. I'm sick of being home and being hungry. I dont want to go home for thanksgiving break because I know I will get so messed up again. I dont want my mom and grandma to come for parents weekend. I need to stay away.. far away.

my dad can come if he wants but I know he won't. At least he doesnt overwhelm me and will get me food when I need it. and not overdone sugary crap that my mom likes.. real solid food.

Connection: my mom, anxiety and sugary crap. That's always how it is. And coffee. being around my mom stresses me out.

Yet another high anxiety day..

it started last night. After dinner I just felt too full and overwhelmed with my work. I woke up with pretty much the same anxiety and it has just persisted throughout the morning. I am thinking of going to the gym to relieve some stress, though I don't know if that would be "feeding" the problem at hand (no pun intended).

There is a girl in one of my classes who I just recently recognized as having eating issues. I watched her all morning as she slowly ate one luna bar. At the end of an hour and a half class she didn't finish it. Later, I saw her at lunch to struggle with the choice of soy yogurt. she must have gotten overwhelmed because she chose nothing. I have this affinity towards people with eating disorders. I want to befriend them, first because I know we will have something in common but also, so I can help them to get over their problem. I asked her to join my study group. Hopefully I can get closer to her and maybe even help her.

At the gym I watched a girl work out on the elliptical manically. for at least an hour. The entire time she was watching cooking shows and I was afraid she would break in half. Or that her eyes would sink into her head. I tried staying back last time I saw her, in hopes I could talk to her. I want to reach out to people who are struggling, people like myself, but I just don't know how. I didn't end up waiting long enough. She probably had another go on the machine.

This resistance towards ourselves, our bodies. What is this constant denial of enjoyment, of life's pleasures. Of food and of rest. Why did I feel over anxious? Yes because of work but because I was judging myself by the food I eat. And by this feeling of being completely stuffed.. I felt like vomit.

Intuitively, I know I need the nutrition. I could stand a few pounds on my frame and I need it if I ever want my menstrual cycle to come back. Why this resistance? I am afraid of commitment, a real life. I need to accept this and I need to be independent. I can't have this monster controlling my life any longer. How do I make every day count towards this goal? First I accept that everyone has a bad day . I can't set myself up for disaster. I need to allow myself some outlet of escape. But what?