I work up this morning a little anxious so I tried to calm myself down. I did my usual yoga routine (sun salutations always help!) and got dressed.. then I did my dishes. I dreaded going to breakfast a) because it is humiliating- I always bring my little bag with my cereal, coffee mug, water bottle and a book. I feel as though I am on display.

To break up routine I went to a different dining hall and immediately felt out of place. Thankfully my friend Sarah was up and ate breakfast with me. After completing my cereal I knew I should eat something with fat (as deemed by my meal plan). Sarah gets up, goes to the toaster. "Do you want any toast?". I don't think I would have had any had she not prompted me. So I made half of an english muffin and ate it with peanut butter. Just that simple prompt was really all I needed. I still feel crampy but I know I can do this. I need to keep myself motivated. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I am finding it hard to eat the snacks that the nutritionist wants me to eat. I know I should just force myself but it's too much for me to handle. I like being empty before meals... some sort of hunger to actually motivate me to eat. I know that my hunger is different than others, however. I either am consumed by it or I do not feel it at all. I guess you could say I am an extremist. This needs to end.

I wanted to cry yesterday, most of the day. I am so scared for my bones. It has been a very long time since I last had my period (we are talking a scale of many years) and I fear my future. I want to go to medical school and be a doctor but I am afraid my brain will be mush, my bones will be thin glass. If, that is, those things have not already happened. I am so scared.

Things to look forward to today: yoga, the sun.. .trying not to be too stressed out.

My brain is slowly recovering. I took the weekend off from exercise and tried to eat slightly better. It's funny because it seems as though when I am focusing on following a meal plan I want food less. There is more anxiety involved. That being said I am kind of forcing myself to eat better.. or at least to not be starving or living off of fruit. I am also curtailing my coffee habit. That may be the most difficult part. Coffee=Love. Until it kills my stomach, at least. I see the nutritionist again on Friday. I really like her.

I came across an article in the New York Times today saying that schools across the country have started to regulate what kids can and cannot eat in schools- old news to most of us. This includes, however, bake sales- baked goods are not allowed to be sold during school hours.
Bake Sales

This is a little over the top and unrealistic. Children will not learn that junk food is bad and are more likely to rebel and eat it out of school. Making a certain food taboo is never a solution. While I agree there is way too much sugar in our society I don't think the government has a right to ban what we can and cannot eat.

Now, at the same time, I am a strong advocate for the ban on trans fats. How can this be?
Here is my line of reasoning- cupcakes and cookies are not necessarily bad in moderation- sugar is not the worst offender to health so long as they are incorporated into a balanced diet (maybe these kids should sell milk or Silk with their cookies..). I think when sugar is the ONLY option it is bad but people have a mind of their own and so long as they are informed enough to make a decision then it is fine.

Trans fats- Proven to be horrible for the health in small amounts and nutritionists and doctors across the country agree that it should be avoided at all costs- it is not part of a balanced diet at all (minus what is found in incrementally small amounts naturally). What do you think of trans fats debate? To what extent does the government have a right to moderate what we eat and when we eat it?

I saw a nutritionist yesterday and it turns out she works out at the Walden Clinic Satellite that was just established here (for those of you who don't know, Walden is an eating disorder recovery center in Massachusetts). At first I was really nervous but she just got to work.. we didn't stress over food much. She just told me she's making me a weight restoration program called the "Honolulu Diet" (haha so cute!) and she printed out the whole plan. We went over exchanges and where I might think I will have problems. I don't know if I will be able to follow it entirely, especially right away but I'm making a step in the right direction.
Me: "So what happens if I can't handle this meal plan. What happens if I mess up and freak out?"
Her: "Well, I'll be seeing you next week so we can talk through it and find something that works for you. It's not worth freaking out about"

She made me feel so optimistic. I can do this. She will not leave me hanging.

She also explained an interesting affect of alcohol on the brain- if you do not have enough glycogen storage in the brain or the liver the toxicity of alcohol increases. Thus someone with an eating disorder tends to be harmed more by alcohol than the average person. I'm really going to curtail my drinking from now on (though I did go to the bars last night.. I think only to prove that I could control amounts.. last weekend I had a blackout and it was really scary).

My brain hurts. I didn't go to the gym today and I didn't go Wednesday so I'm proud. That takes more energy sometimes. But for whatever reason, this nutritionist has put me at ease with myself. I hope I can do this. I need to for myself.

I bought some calcium citrate pills today, some protein bars.. I almost bought some boost but I chickened out. I didn't want to be seen walking around with boost. Something about that is shameful to me. I will get it though.

Another step towards recovery. This post is quite disorganized.. maybe I will come back to it and make it flow.

I hate drinking. hate it. It makes me anxious the next day and I feel disgusting. I went out to the bars last night and I got the bartender to buy my friends and I drinks all night. 4 draft beers and pizza afterwards makes for an unhappy katie. top that off with going to bed at 3 AM. On the brightside I stayed in my bed until 10:30 and I refuse to put any more toxins in my body for now. I think I need a total detox. No more things in excess. Nothing is ever good in excess.

wise words from my dad.

I went out to dinner with my friend's parents last night and the anxiety level was surprisingly low. I was, however, awakened by an anxiety attack last night. At first I thought it was the sole glass of wine I had drank with dinner but I realized that wasn't the case. I think alcohol exacerbates my anxiety at times.

Of course this would make sense, as there is a neurological link between anxiety disorders and alcohol use/abuse (Milne) .. and even though it was one glass of wine, I am sure the neurochemical pathways intertwine somewhere along the line.. and I am also sure that I am hyper sensitive to alcohol because alcoholism runs strong in my family. Just a thought, anyways (see the link below if you are interested). I probably have lower levels of CREB/NPY.




Milne, David
Scientists Home In on Link Between Anxiety, Alcohol Use
Psychiatr News 2005 40: 22-a-25


In later news, I feel as though I did pretty horribly on my cellular and molecular neuroscience exam. I studied really hard for it but when the test came I could only remember the basics (barely) for everything. I was really disappointed in myself and am totally not looking forward to getting it back. On the bright side, I had a really good workout after?

Good things about this week:
I have not drank any diet coke since.. maybe Tuesday? I ran out and am pledging against it due to its affects on my teeth.

I have recognized my anxiety and calmed myself down.

I challenged myself by going to dinner with my friend's parents. And enjoyed it (though I got full fast.. but I went and did not order a salad).

I scheduled those two appointments.

I recognized that I was not eating enough and made a conscious effort to eat more the next day.

Further goals:
Do not obsess over the gym

Continue to lay off the coke

Do not obsess over coffee..uhhh

Take a day off.. for myself (gym) <-- yoga, ceramics, pilates could substitute



I am trying to keep myself relaxed/sane. I am going to do a quick gym jump before my parents come but I wont over do it.

struggle struggle struggle, some people just like to struggle

This week has been.. hectic and up and down. I won't go over the gorey details and it will suffice to say I really had trouble eating the first half of the week, I forced myself to eat the second half and today I just feel blah.

Last night I went to a lecture for one of my classes and initially I felt myself getting dizzy, zoning out. But I didn't feed into it.. I knew it was anxiety (I had just eaten dinner full of scary foods) and I tried to tone it down, which pretty much worked.

Another scary thing- I told my friend I would go out to dinner with her and her parents tonight (this always scares me.. I'm not sure why). There's no backing out, as reservations were made. Time to throw away my flakiness and get back on the boat.. then there's brunch with my mom and grandma tomorrow (ahh.. all this food related things). I'm trying not to obsess about exercise but I am obsessing a little. I guess its a good thing that I can admit this.

I made two appointments on wednesday: the nutritionist and the nurse practitioner.. Good times.


My mom went off her anxiety meds.. cold turkey. Since then she has complained of being "dizzy and anxious" (duh). I tried explaining to her that she should taper off her meds, not quit altogether. She changed the subject. I told her that she needs to recognize her anxiety and do something about it.. again she changed the subject. My mom is in complete denial about the fact that she has any type of problem and this really bothers me, to an extent. A) because she has seen her own mom struggle for so long and b) because she is taking these medications. .what does she think it's all in her head? I'm sure that is what she has been told in the past but she needs to recognize her issues. It also frustrates me because I have been working so hard to help my anxiety and eating disorder. Does she think this is all in my head? I'm sure..
I told her to get some exercise, how it helps. Of course, she thinks this is my ed speaking. She will never take me seriously about food or exercise. She doesnt realize that I know what to do, I just have an inability to do it right at the moment.

Then she preceded to tell me her doctor prescribed her bonine.. Why I asked? Oh because I'm dizzy, they think it's an inner ear problem..

Finally- I thought this was interesting: regarding doctors and their use of placebo



Honestly, doctors are such dumbasses sometimes. Way too quick to prescribe than to treat.

I woke up and showered this morning... ie: no gym. It was a tough call but I'm glad I did it.

I then preceded to breakfast, where I struggled. I made myself oatmeal and had an orange but I was still hungry.. so I freaked, couldn't decide if i wanted coffee or tea and on the way out the door I made myself toast. I think if I am to do something like skip the gym I should keep everything else the same to save myself some grief.

anyways this weekend was a bust. A lot of work though, so that's not a bad thing. Work today from 1-4.