I just found out that a very triggering person will be on campus the very same weekend as one of my closest friends.. and they are friends. blah.. way to ruin a good weekend.

Where has this semester gone?

So generally at this point of the year I am psyched- Summer is swiftly approaching. This year is different, however, as a) I am graduating, b) I have no f-ing clue what I am going to be doing when I get out and c) the economy is shit.

I have decided I am going to do a direct entry Nurse to Nurse Practitioner master's program. In order to do this I will need to take a year off to take prerequisite classes and to apply to the programs. This is daunting- what the heck am I supposed to do with my time off? I honestly do not think I can spend any more time at home and while some friends want to get an apartment together in Boston I am kind of dreading the "next step". We wouldn't be able to get the apartment until September and I am afraid by then I will be trapped. At home, that is.

I just got back from being home for a week for Spring break. While things are better than they were before there is just not enough space for me to live comfortably and privately. What's worse, I generally do not eat as well at home as I do here... and as this is vital for my recovery, things get tricky. my family makes fun of me for my "finicky' eating habits... I prefer to eat solid meals and not junk food. I have to find some way around this. I am a lot more stable than before- and kind of hoping my period will come back but, at this point, I fear it is lost. My mom can't understand this.

I noticed that my mom and I have a really weak relationship. .. really, sometimes I just want her to talk to me, open up with me and ask me what is wrong/right/how I'm feeling. Just come out and ASK me, instead of hiding everything. Sure, I may say something you don't want to hear. but I know it's on your mind... she keeps everything closed up inside. When my ED was at it's height, we bonded over walking every night and weight watchers.. I clung to it because recipes and food were all we had. Really, there were no conversations of substance. Now that I am beyond this point, there are still no really conversations of substance. But I try to push for them. I just don't know how to open her up, really.

Okay well i must do work . and I'm going to admit that I am kind of freaking out about the heavy evening snack I just ate- will it upset my breakfast? Oh well.. need to get over such menial things.

It's been a while

I haven't written in a while and generally, I see that as a good thing. While I do enjoy blogging, I generally blog when I'm slipping or in need of inspiration. Today is different.

I have been doing pretty well- of course, I have had my ups and downs but in general, the ups are bigger and better than the downs. I am trying to focus on my health and not those with EDs around me, who may otherwise be triggering.

One thing I realized yesterday- people who have never suffered from a mental disorder are surprisingly intolerant of individuals such as myself. My friend admitted to me last night that she used to get "annoyed" with me our sophomore year- I pointed out that I was really struggling.. I needed help. It kind of hurt to hear that, but I'd rather she told me than not. She just didn't understand. So I give her the benefit of not knowing, even if she is my closest friend. I guess one thing I gain from this disorder is patience and understanding.

As part of my course load this semester I have been doing a special studies. My topic: the relationship between eating disorders, anxiety disorders and alcoholism. In particular, paternal alcoholism.. One interesting thing to note: alcoholic fathers are more likely to have children who have anxiety disorders than alcoholic mothers. I am curious about the implications for genetics. I also have found that alcoholism, like eating disorders, may have developed after the anxiety disorder as a coping mechanism. Of course, I had suspected this but it is nice to see that this same topic has actually been studied. Anyways, in addition to writing a paper on the topic (and I will probably post a link when I am done), I am creating a website. I hope this makes people more aware and tolerant of all three disorders.

My final update for the day: I have decided to apply to nursing school. While I was all about medical school, I could never actually see myself carrying through with the process. Nursing is so much more attainable and I think, in the long run, it will give me the flexibility to pursue many areas of interest.

Well, time to read and study genetics. That and digest a shit ton of dairy (maybe that dinner wasn't the greatest idea...).

A rainbow after the storm

Today was a relatively good day. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, which is a plus. I did notice, however, I had a lot of problem concentrating this morning. I think I would attribute this to my eating habits but I felt as though I had a substantial breakfast. But still, I felt tired and full of angst. So tired I couldn't stand it. Has this ever happened? After lunch I was better but man oh man, those mornings kill me.

I'm doing a special studies on anxiety disorders this semester and I am SO excited! I love learning when I actually want to learn.

I have cross posted an entry from another blog below from yesterday: see the transformation?

I feel BLOATED. That is exactly how I feel. My body is so out of proportion right now. I'm going on a date in twenty minutes. How do others deal with this??

I just want to scream and never wear pants again. And, as counter productive as this is, I really, really feel like the past 8 years of my life were more of a waste than I already feel that they have been.

BLAHHAHAHAHA

Ok good things about today: I applied to a job and an internship and finished two cover letters.

I talked to my mom on the phone (briefly) and we didn't get into a fight.

I'm going on a date and not freaking out. Maybe it's because he's 27 and I know there is no future.

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Update: the date went okay. He was kind of weird but again, I didn't expect much out of it. I got dinner anyways

yesterday was a bust. I was horribly anxious and as a result I didn't eat a lot. I was angry, depressed and not hungry.. blah..

Today I go back to school somehow (damn snow.. it is always disrupting my plans for a ride. my mom hates driving in the snow).. I still hope she'll drive me.. though that is really really selfish. And I know I face a world of friends but also, triggers. I need to get my life in order this semester. There is no choice/other chance.

And I start work tomorrow? I'm so nervous about that.

I am trying really hard not to obsess about eating while, at the same time, eat enough.. this proves to be a real challenge, as I am often hungry. But luckily I have enough to keep my mind occupied today, between taking my sister to the pharmacy, to work, taking care of the dog and bringing him to the groomers, going to the gym at some point and working on cover letters. I just want to be normal. I did, however, eat a normal lunch (though still craving afterwards...). Why is eating such a fucking hassel?

I'm waiting for the groomer to call back so I can pick up my dog and go to the gym.. or maybe I'll take my cell phone with me and go to the gym first (though I really wouldn't want to be interrupted mid-workout.

On monday I met my aunt for coffee. She is such an inspiring person and she pointed out something that has been bothering me for some time- our family lacks authenticity... and this is probably why I have been so peeved, especially at my mother, who likes to pretend all is fine and that we have an idealistic family. I love her but I would rather her speak out then hold everything in. Sometimes, I hear her whispering to my dad.. I hate that because it usually means she is talking about me.

Said boy never messaged me. Figures.

I think Im going out to dinner with my aunt tonight. Yay! One less thing to worry about

Okay so I cancelled my appointment at Walden... I know, I know, I should have kept it but I really think I can do this. I'm going to set up therapist appointments at school, see the nutritionist... vow to not over-exercise.. And again, I know it's been said. But really. I need to do this. Maybe I am inspired by my dad. He hasn't drank since Thursday! YAY DAD! I really really hope he keeps with it. I am SO proud of him. I am tempted to throw away his beer, just to safeguard myself and him.

I went out with some friends on Saturday night and kind of embarrassed myself by making out with a guy on the dance floor. Though, we were both rather drunk and I knew him.. I just wish he would message me or call me or something! He said he would and I don't know if he was too drunk and didn't mean all of those things he says.. I need to put things into perspective. Would I actually date him given the chance? Whatever, I'd like to give it a chance. My new resolution: to be social whenever possible. Including going on dates. So long as the guy isn't creepy.

Speaking of going out, and drinking too much, I felt so gross yesterday that I went to the gym to run off my alcohol and hangover. I actually felt amazing afterwards but I know it is an ED habit. I didn't go to the gym today but I know i can get through this. Gah...

anyways, off to do a whole lot of nothing until I meet my aunt (we're getting coffee)... then to my counselor appointment. Wish me luck!