Merry Christmas everyone! I know the holidays can be tough but I hope that everyone has been good to themselves. It has been a constant battle but I resolve 2009 to be the year that I take care of myself... even if my self does not want to participate at times.

I have been seeing my counselor while at home and we have discussed different options- programs, meetings, groups. They all sound great but I have yet to call anyone. I think it is this fear of actually letting go.. or admitting my problem is bad enough to need help. And fear of the unknown, of course. I am still going to the gym reguarly but I'm trying not to go crazy. I haven't felt faint in a while so that's good. Still, I struggle with finding a balance.

I have no secure friend base here. I went out on Saturday, got bored at the bars and ended up meeting up with my brother. I have more fun with his friends than I do with my own. One of my closest girl friends and I have not been talking well- she seems so distant and when I talk to her, she just seems annoyed. or apathetic. I know that is part of her personality but I like when people actually want to talk to me. Otherwise, what is the point in calling?

Today I am breaking out of the usual and going to the aquarium with my cousin... yayy! I love the fishes.

My dad is getting worse and worse. My mom suspects congestive heart failure. i wish he would just take care of himself.

I keep telling myself that I will go to a MEDA meeting. There are some on Monday nights (so I missed it) but my brain is telling me, what's the point. I go back to school next friday.. that can't be nearly enough time.

So I have been home for break for two days. . . the first day was spent writing a paper so I don't really count it. Anyways I am already feeling the heat. Specifically, in terms of activity and eating. I have either not been hungry at all (typically during the day) or so hungry I can't handle it (evenings). Last night, after pacing and not knowing what to eat (there is really no food here that appeals to me), I made a healthy choice dinner and then had ice cream and soymilk. I was so antsy but rather than do the usual, movies, etc, I decided to create christmas cards with my energy. I was rather impressed.

Today was different. It was a day full of anxiety, though indirectly. I was out shopping with my mother, who frustrates me so much because she is in denial about her own problems. She spends most of her time, when not working, on the couch in front of the TV. . . "Why would I go anywhere else, that is where your father is". She needs to do something with her life and is much too young to live alone as an old maid. I further get frustrated because she has no real passion. For anything. She only cares about work and fretting about the family. I told her, the best thing she could do for the family would be to get a hobby. I dont understand how one person can be so apathetic. True, she may be depressed, she denies it continuously, which only makes matters worse. Between that and her bipolar personality, I really get fed up. I know it is her anxiety but she needs to learn how to manage it. I'm working on mine, so why has she not yet figured out hers?

My brother often talks about suffering from the Jones male fate (okay, not often.. he only mentioned it once). He is the only person, however, who is capable of changing that fate, and I tell him again and again. At the same time, however, I wonder if I suffer from the Forte female fate. My mom and my grandma both have this stubborn anxiety, the anxiety they fail to see and yet causes them so many problems. But I am attempting to do something about it so I'm different right? I am aware of my problems.

At the same time, I'm not working that hard to alleviate my problems... at the moment, anyways. I'm stuck in this wierd in between state . I am in a state where I know I need to do something but don't have the motivation to do so. The longer I stay home, the more motivation I lose. Typical.

Currently I'm sitting downstairs and watching Big Fish. I feel as though I have completely regressed.

I see my counselor on Monday. Thankfully.

It's amazing how much getting enough food can change one's viewpoint. Specifically, I mean carbohydrates.

So it's finals season here and that means lots of sitting, lots of studying, lots of excess energy and nerves. Thus far the nerves have not been that bad.. and I thought I was doing pretty well, eating wise. Except I am listless, lethargic. My warning sign should have been Friday morning, at the gym.. I couldn't even make it through my normal workout. Overcompensating for eating? Probably.

Last night I had some delicious bread and hummus in my room.. and instantly, my mood was lifted and I had energy. I felt so much better, so much more at peace. This morning I thought I was done but decided to have some toast with butter with my cereal. again, so much more energy.

You would think that I would know this by now, as I am sure I have had similar posts. But I always forget. Always. I am scared for when I go home and I don't have to eat 3 meals a day. I mean, I always do anyways but it is distorted. And i cut at one meal so I am "hungry enough" at the next.
I need a game plan for next semester. I need to recover. I thought I was on the road but I am not. I am still obsessed with exercise and, while I take some time off, I have to plan for it. I am obsessed with routine and I am not cultivating my interests. I am not cultivating a life. I graduate in may and this needs to end. I need to make a life for myself.

The nutritionist here wants me to do an inpatient program over break. I think I have mentioned this... . I am not planning on doing it but I do think I need a team.. counselor, nutritionist and an MD. If I want to be an MD I need to be able to help myself, first. Someone shed some inspiration. I need to get out of this hole I am digging myself.

I feel weak. So weak I am nauseous. Not weak in the physical sense but emotionally, I am weak. Why can't I beat my disorder. I should be able to reason myself out of this and yet, I cannot. As hard as I try my brain gets clouded by my mythical world of food and exercise.

I had an appointment with the nutritionist yesterday. I have not been following my meal plan and I told her how scared I am to be going home. I do not eat as much at home, nor do I feel the need to eat. There are no set meal times so I can skip meals as I please. The only thing that provides any sort of structure is the gym and a job, if I get my job back at Starbucks. Even there, people don't eat. She wants me to do an inpatient program. I know she is right, that I am too weak to beat this. Not weak. Intuitively, I know that's not true, I know no one can beat an eating disorder alone. But my brain is telling me I am weak.
I could admit myself but a) how the hell would I pay for it and b) my poor mom. The last thing she needs is a daughter in eating disorder rehab. She went through it once, I think a second time would kill her.

I'm scared for my bones. I'm scared for my teeth, my brain. I often have these visions of my teeth rotting straight through. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake and wonder if they are there.

Stress of finals has hit. With it come upset stomaches, anxiety, acid reflux and too much exercise. And the food, oh the food. Last night was "appetizer night". I made a huge salad, thought I was doing good. But I took home one of the giant "appetizer" pretzels. and in an eating disordered manner, ate the vast majority of it. right after dinner.

I am so sick, so sick of these disordered behaviors, of my strange character.

This morning I woke up anxious. I forced myself to breakfast but I was not hungry. I ate a little and promptly left. The anxiety brought by the dining hall was too much to bear.

I don't want people to pity me but, at the same time, I need to talk about this. I will make an appointment with my counselor at home but I don't want pity.

i need an escape for a while.