Merry Christmas everyone! I know the holidays can be tough but I hope that everyone has been good to themselves. It has been a constant battle but I resolve 2009 to be the year that I take care of myself... even if my self does not want to participate at times.

I have been seeing my counselor while at home and we have discussed different options- programs, meetings, groups. They all sound great but I have yet to call anyone. I think it is this fear of actually letting go.. or admitting my problem is bad enough to need help. And fear of the unknown, of course. I am still going to the gym reguarly but I'm trying not to go crazy. I haven't felt faint in a while so that's good. Still, I struggle with finding a balance.

I have no secure friend base here. I went out on Saturday, got bored at the bars and ended up meeting up with my brother. I have more fun with his friends than I do with my own. One of my closest girl friends and I have not been talking well- she seems so distant and when I talk to her, she just seems annoyed. or apathetic. I know that is part of her personality but I like when people actually want to talk to me. Otherwise, what is the point in calling?

Today I am breaking out of the usual and going to the aquarium with my cousin... yayy! I love the fishes.

My dad is getting worse and worse. My mom suspects congestive heart failure. i wish he would just take care of himself.

I keep telling myself that I will go to a MEDA meeting. There are some on Monday nights (so I missed it) but my brain is telling me, what's the point. I go back to school next friday.. that can't be nearly enough time.

So I have been home for break for two days. . . the first day was spent writing a paper so I don't really count it. Anyways I am already feeling the heat. Specifically, in terms of activity and eating. I have either not been hungry at all (typically during the day) or so hungry I can't handle it (evenings). Last night, after pacing and not knowing what to eat (there is really no food here that appeals to me), I made a healthy choice dinner and then had ice cream and soymilk. I was so antsy but rather than do the usual, movies, etc, I decided to create christmas cards with my energy. I was rather impressed.

Today was different. It was a day full of anxiety, though indirectly. I was out shopping with my mother, who frustrates me so much because she is in denial about her own problems. She spends most of her time, when not working, on the couch in front of the TV. . . "Why would I go anywhere else, that is where your father is". She needs to do something with her life and is much too young to live alone as an old maid. I further get frustrated because she has no real passion. For anything. She only cares about work and fretting about the family. I told her, the best thing she could do for the family would be to get a hobby. I dont understand how one person can be so apathetic. True, she may be depressed, she denies it continuously, which only makes matters worse. Between that and her bipolar personality, I really get fed up. I know it is her anxiety but she needs to learn how to manage it. I'm working on mine, so why has she not yet figured out hers?

My brother often talks about suffering from the Jones male fate (okay, not often.. he only mentioned it once). He is the only person, however, who is capable of changing that fate, and I tell him again and again. At the same time, however, I wonder if I suffer from the Forte female fate. My mom and my grandma both have this stubborn anxiety, the anxiety they fail to see and yet causes them so many problems. But I am attempting to do something about it so I'm different right? I am aware of my problems.

At the same time, I'm not working that hard to alleviate my problems... at the moment, anyways. I'm stuck in this wierd in between state . I am in a state where I know I need to do something but don't have the motivation to do so. The longer I stay home, the more motivation I lose. Typical.

Currently I'm sitting downstairs and watching Big Fish. I feel as though I have completely regressed.

I see my counselor on Monday. Thankfully.

It's amazing how much getting enough food can change one's viewpoint. Specifically, I mean carbohydrates.

So it's finals season here and that means lots of sitting, lots of studying, lots of excess energy and nerves. Thus far the nerves have not been that bad.. and I thought I was doing pretty well, eating wise. Except I am listless, lethargic. My warning sign should have been Friday morning, at the gym.. I couldn't even make it through my normal workout. Overcompensating for eating? Probably.

Last night I had some delicious bread and hummus in my room.. and instantly, my mood was lifted and I had energy. I felt so much better, so much more at peace. This morning I thought I was done but decided to have some toast with butter with my cereal. again, so much more energy.

You would think that I would know this by now, as I am sure I have had similar posts. But I always forget. Always. I am scared for when I go home and I don't have to eat 3 meals a day. I mean, I always do anyways but it is distorted. And i cut at one meal so I am "hungry enough" at the next.
I need a game plan for next semester. I need to recover. I thought I was on the road but I am not. I am still obsessed with exercise and, while I take some time off, I have to plan for it. I am obsessed with routine and I am not cultivating my interests. I am not cultivating a life. I graduate in may and this needs to end. I need to make a life for myself.

The nutritionist here wants me to do an inpatient program over break. I think I have mentioned this... . I am not planning on doing it but I do think I need a team.. counselor, nutritionist and an MD. If I want to be an MD I need to be able to help myself, first. Someone shed some inspiration. I need to get out of this hole I am digging myself.

I feel weak. So weak I am nauseous. Not weak in the physical sense but emotionally, I am weak. Why can't I beat my disorder. I should be able to reason myself out of this and yet, I cannot. As hard as I try my brain gets clouded by my mythical world of food and exercise.

I had an appointment with the nutritionist yesterday. I have not been following my meal plan and I told her how scared I am to be going home. I do not eat as much at home, nor do I feel the need to eat. There are no set meal times so I can skip meals as I please. The only thing that provides any sort of structure is the gym and a job, if I get my job back at Starbucks. Even there, people don't eat. She wants me to do an inpatient program. I know she is right, that I am too weak to beat this. Not weak. Intuitively, I know that's not true, I know no one can beat an eating disorder alone. But my brain is telling me I am weak.
I could admit myself but a) how the hell would I pay for it and b) my poor mom. The last thing she needs is a daughter in eating disorder rehab. She went through it once, I think a second time would kill her.

I'm scared for my bones. I'm scared for my teeth, my brain. I often have these visions of my teeth rotting straight through. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake and wonder if they are there.

Stress of finals has hit. With it come upset stomaches, anxiety, acid reflux and too much exercise. And the food, oh the food. Last night was "appetizer night". I made a huge salad, thought I was doing good. But I took home one of the giant "appetizer" pretzels. and in an eating disordered manner, ate the vast majority of it. right after dinner.

I am so sick, so sick of these disordered behaviors, of my strange character.

This morning I woke up anxious. I forced myself to breakfast but I was not hungry. I ate a little and promptly left. The anxiety brought by the dining hall was too much to bear.

I don't want people to pity me but, at the same time, I need to talk about this. I will make an appointment with my counselor at home but I don't want pity.

i need an escape for a while.

Tis the season

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and, despite feared family angst it did not go that bad. I convinced myself to eat food and enjoy it and I did. No guilt, no restriction. It was a strangely normal day.

Back to reality. Today went well until 2PM or so. I went to the gym this morning but ate a substantial breakfast and lunch. Then I had a snack and I forced down an apple. I don't know why- I knew I would regret it.

boy did I regret it. I had been sitting doing work all day and I felt as though nothing had been properly accomplished.. I am researching molecular mechanisms of epilepsy and there is so much reading involved- I have worked on it for two days and have yet to begin the paper. I feel as though I spent a day sitting and for no reason.

Dinner time came and went. Completely not hungry but I knew by my impending fatigue that I should eat. I needed to be energized. I just couldn't motivate myself to eat.
Eventually I heated up some soup and had a roll with butter alongside. I ate it and while still not hungry, I was not satisfied. But at the same time, no appetite. I was so full of indecision and I just sat at the table kind of depressed. I envy those who can eat or not eat and not think about it. For me, the thought processes involved are rather exhausting.

I love being home and I hate it. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I can get myself out. For one thing, I am fearing the inevitable- going out where all of my friends are drinking. I don't want to drink. Don't get me wrong, I went out Wednesday night and really enjoyed myself but tonight is not my night.

Something about my house does this to me EVERY TIME. It really is hard for me as everyone in this household is so depressed. I feel like a loser to my brother when I don't want to go out and there is always this held anxiety. I can feel the tension in the air.

My dad is neurologically gone. He is not the man I used to share my stories with. He is a diabetic, alcoholic man with coronary artery disease. And I feel horrible for him because I know he is losing his memory and self awareness fast. He is depressed and trapped. If I lived here year round, I would probably be the same. Props to my mom for still being relatively sane.

I know the solution to my problem would be to get out. Leave my house. I just can't do it.

I miss smith. I think it is because there I am safe and warm. Mostly safe in my academic bubble.

Free time and eating disorders

I have a really hard time with free time. I don't know how to occupy myself and be satisfied with life and I recently discovered I am not alone. Another girl in the house who also has disordered eating and exercise told me today, she didn't know what to do- her work was done and she was basically sitting around, waiting to go home.
"What will you do at home?" I don't know, just sit around. But it's expected there

You see, the problem is, we have problems "sitting around" in our cubicles of a room. We have no real sense of belonging (other than the gym, after which comes the "now what" response). I suggested a trip downtown. what she really needs (and myself) is a hobby. Hobbies are hard to cultivate when you are focused on one solitary aspect of your life.

Recently, I have tried to get back into photography and I have started yoga. I am going to start playing the piano again, I think, and I think I may also restart collaging/scrapbooking. I like baking but I realized that is a dangerous hobby- too much food related and too much analyzing goes into what I am going to bake. I'm just too weird about food.

On that note, I ate dessert with lunch today and a pretty substantial breakfast. I don't feel too bad about the dessert (maybe just a slight tinge of guilt). I have been eating a lot more sweets lately though half of the time I don't actually crave them.. so I'm not sure if it's a good thing to be forcing myself to eat these sweets. On the other hand, it gets my mind off of food for a while (maybe it's that psychological connection between sweets/desserts and satisfaction). I think this stems from my mother, who always needs desserts. For now I won't worry too much about this but I will keep it in mind for the future. I really need to not be weird about food.

yesterday was so... fucking... hard.

I didn't exercise. I felt like my outlet was gone. I wanted to scream, to jump but I felt trapped in my own body. It was a weird experience where I felt as though I was floating. Some people use art, others, music. I used exercise. Despite this withdrawal I held back. I did not go because I knew I needed to not go. I need to feel things again and I can't numb myself.

My friend Sarah stood by my side. I talked with her and read with her. I am trying to maintain a focus. This morning, while I am going to the gym, i tried to get work done first. I am so frustrated because I was doing a quiz for physics and my calculations are not coming out correctly. And I see my grade drop in that class. I try so hard and yet I get no where.
We have another exam this weekend and I need to do well.. it is not an option.

I didn't drink much this weekend. Every Thursday seniors have a wine and cheese night and I had 3 glasses.. I was frustrated with physics. Last night my friends had a cocktail party for their twenty first and I only had two cocktails. .with cake. This morning I freaked in the dining hall for breakfast so I drank a Starbuck's frappucino drink in my room. I know I can do this. I just need to convince myself that I can.

All worn out and nothing fits

For me to not exercise is work.

I woke up this morning and had promised myself I wouldn't go to the gym. I would eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

So far so good. Lunch/brunch was a struggle. Brunch lunch is always a struggle. There was nothing that really appealed to me. I made toast and put two fried eggs on my plate. I never eat egg yolks. Today I ate an egg yolk, dressed with cheddar cheese. I guess I should feel accomplished but I don't really. After the event of eating the yolk it really makes no difference to me. The difference only lies in how I feel. I had the strongest urge for more caffeine and, after filling my mug with coffee I decided to crack open a coke. Something is so satisfying about coke. I can't really put my finger on it.

It's so embarrassing when I struggle with eating- everyone can see. Mary can see but I'm not sure she can see how much I am shaking. I don't think she knows the extent to which my disorder goes. Sarah does. But she is more likely to pat me on the back. The other night at dinner I was shaking while drinking my milk. She sat by.

What makes food so scary? I wonder if it activates the amydala, a region of the brain so involved with fear. I know it activates the brain regions most involved with addictions.. I need to look into that.

I talked to my dad this morning. Well, kind of. I was really anxious and I told him I wanted my dog.. and that was all. And that I want to punch things. I get so frustrated when I talk to family members because they never give me any type of response. They just expect me to talk and when I ask them something they can't answer my questions. I need someone who will respond to me.

I need a tattoo design. I want a non circular design that represents the female body and strength. I was thinking like a curvy silhouette... i really like that idea, actually.

Well today is a fun filled day of work (not really). It is just one day. I can make it through one day. I can make it through the semester.

I need to find some distraction. I am sick of this disorder consuming my life but, at the same time, I can't seem to let it go. The energy is building up in me and I am having a lot of trouble keeping with my meal plan "guidelines". In particular, I can't keep up with snacks. Every morning I have fought with myself about whether or not I should eat the toast too and while I do, it is not without agony. I need some suggestions. How do others make it through? I know I am to expect to feel bloated and I am to expect to not be hungry but it is against my nature to eat while not hungry. I feel like I need someone to just force this upon me.

As a result of my pent up energy/anxiety, I am stressing about the gym again. well, not really again as I never stopped stressing.

I need to remind myself that food is such a small scale in comparison to life and what i could be doing. One day is so minuscule. I need to do this, for my bones and for my health. I know I will be so much happier once I have come to a stable weight. Come onnn Katie.


Fall is here and it is getting colder. I can hardly believe that Thanksgiving is in exactly two weeks! I hope that I can enjoy the holiday without being too stressed out.

How does everyone else deal with stress during recovery? I need some suggestions.. some shout outs. I don't know if anyone reads this blog but I hope that if people do they may give me a few pointers.

I work up this morning a little anxious so I tried to calm myself down. I did my usual yoga routine (sun salutations always help!) and got dressed.. then I did my dishes. I dreaded going to breakfast a) because it is humiliating- I always bring my little bag with my cereal, coffee mug, water bottle and a book. I feel as though I am on display.

To break up routine I went to a different dining hall and immediately felt out of place. Thankfully my friend Sarah was up and ate breakfast with me. After completing my cereal I knew I should eat something with fat (as deemed by my meal plan). Sarah gets up, goes to the toaster. "Do you want any toast?". I don't think I would have had any had she not prompted me. So I made half of an english muffin and ate it with peanut butter. Just that simple prompt was really all I needed. I still feel crampy but I know I can do this. I need to keep myself motivated. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I am finding it hard to eat the snacks that the nutritionist wants me to eat. I know I should just force myself but it's too much for me to handle. I like being empty before meals... some sort of hunger to actually motivate me to eat. I know that my hunger is different than others, however. I either am consumed by it or I do not feel it at all. I guess you could say I am an extremist. This needs to end.

I wanted to cry yesterday, most of the day. I am so scared for my bones. It has been a very long time since I last had my period (we are talking a scale of many years) and I fear my future. I want to go to medical school and be a doctor but I am afraid my brain will be mush, my bones will be thin glass. If, that is, those things have not already happened. I am so scared.

Things to look forward to today: yoga, the sun.. .trying not to be too stressed out.

My brain is slowly recovering. I took the weekend off from exercise and tried to eat slightly better. It's funny because it seems as though when I am focusing on following a meal plan I want food less. There is more anxiety involved. That being said I am kind of forcing myself to eat better.. or at least to not be starving or living off of fruit. I am also curtailing my coffee habit. That may be the most difficult part. Coffee=Love. Until it kills my stomach, at least. I see the nutritionist again on Friday. I really like her.

I came across an article in the New York Times today saying that schools across the country have started to regulate what kids can and cannot eat in schools- old news to most of us. This includes, however, bake sales- baked goods are not allowed to be sold during school hours.
Bake Sales

This is a little over the top and unrealistic. Children will not learn that junk food is bad and are more likely to rebel and eat it out of school. Making a certain food taboo is never a solution. While I agree there is way too much sugar in our society I don't think the government has a right to ban what we can and cannot eat.

Now, at the same time, I am a strong advocate for the ban on trans fats. How can this be?
Here is my line of reasoning- cupcakes and cookies are not necessarily bad in moderation- sugar is not the worst offender to health so long as they are incorporated into a balanced diet (maybe these kids should sell milk or Silk with their cookies..). I think when sugar is the ONLY option it is bad but people have a mind of their own and so long as they are informed enough to make a decision then it is fine.

Trans fats- Proven to be horrible for the health in small amounts and nutritionists and doctors across the country agree that it should be avoided at all costs- it is not part of a balanced diet at all (minus what is found in incrementally small amounts naturally). What do you think of trans fats debate? To what extent does the government have a right to moderate what we eat and when we eat it?

I saw a nutritionist yesterday and it turns out she works out at the Walden Clinic Satellite that was just established here (for those of you who don't know, Walden is an eating disorder recovery center in Massachusetts). At first I was really nervous but she just got to work.. we didn't stress over food much. She just told me she's making me a weight restoration program called the "Honolulu Diet" (haha so cute!) and she printed out the whole plan. We went over exchanges and where I might think I will have problems. I don't know if I will be able to follow it entirely, especially right away but I'm making a step in the right direction.
Me: "So what happens if I can't handle this meal plan. What happens if I mess up and freak out?"
Her: "Well, I'll be seeing you next week so we can talk through it and find something that works for you. It's not worth freaking out about"

She made me feel so optimistic. I can do this. She will not leave me hanging.

She also explained an interesting affect of alcohol on the brain- if you do not have enough glycogen storage in the brain or the liver the toxicity of alcohol increases. Thus someone with an eating disorder tends to be harmed more by alcohol than the average person. I'm really going to curtail my drinking from now on (though I did go to the bars last night.. I think only to prove that I could control amounts.. last weekend I had a blackout and it was really scary).

My brain hurts. I didn't go to the gym today and I didn't go Wednesday so I'm proud. That takes more energy sometimes. But for whatever reason, this nutritionist has put me at ease with myself. I hope I can do this. I need to for myself.

I bought some calcium citrate pills today, some protein bars.. I almost bought some boost but I chickened out. I didn't want to be seen walking around with boost. Something about that is shameful to me. I will get it though.

Another step towards recovery. This post is quite disorganized.. maybe I will come back to it and make it flow.

I hate drinking. hate it. It makes me anxious the next day and I feel disgusting. I went out to the bars last night and I got the bartender to buy my friends and I drinks all night. 4 draft beers and pizza afterwards makes for an unhappy katie. top that off with going to bed at 3 AM. On the brightside I stayed in my bed until 10:30 and I refuse to put any more toxins in my body for now. I think I need a total detox. No more things in excess. Nothing is ever good in excess.

wise words from my dad.

I went out to dinner with my friend's parents last night and the anxiety level was surprisingly low. I was, however, awakened by an anxiety attack last night. At first I thought it was the sole glass of wine I had drank with dinner but I realized that wasn't the case. I think alcohol exacerbates my anxiety at times.

Of course this would make sense, as there is a neurological link between anxiety disorders and alcohol use/abuse (Milne) .. and even though it was one glass of wine, I am sure the neurochemical pathways intertwine somewhere along the line.. and I am also sure that I am hyper sensitive to alcohol because alcoholism runs strong in my family. Just a thought, anyways (see the link below if you are interested). I probably have lower levels of CREB/NPY.




Milne, David
Scientists Home In on Link Between Anxiety, Alcohol Use
Psychiatr News 2005 40: 22-a-25


In later news, I feel as though I did pretty horribly on my cellular and molecular neuroscience exam. I studied really hard for it but when the test came I could only remember the basics (barely) for everything. I was really disappointed in myself and am totally not looking forward to getting it back. On the bright side, I had a really good workout after?

Good things about this week:
I have not drank any diet coke since.. maybe Tuesday? I ran out and am pledging against it due to its affects on my teeth.

I have recognized my anxiety and calmed myself down.

I challenged myself by going to dinner with my friend's parents. And enjoyed it (though I got full fast.. but I went and did not order a salad).

I scheduled those two appointments.

I recognized that I was not eating enough and made a conscious effort to eat more the next day.

Further goals:
Do not obsess over the gym

Continue to lay off the coke

Do not obsess over coffee..uhhh

Take a day off.. for myself (gym) <-- yoga, ceramics, pilates could substitute



I am trying to keep myself relaxed/sane. I am going to do a quick gym jump before my parents come but I wont over do it.

struggle struggle struggle, some people just like to struggle

This week has been.. hectic and up and down. I won't go over the gorey details and it will suffice to say I really had trouble eating the first half of the week, I forced myself to eat the second half and today I just feel blah.

Last night I went to a lecture for one of my classes and initially I felt myself getting dizzy, zoning out. But I didn't feed into it.. I knew it was anxiety (I had just eaten dinner full of scary foods) and I tried to tone it down, which pretty much worked.

Another scary thing- I told my friend I would go out to dinner with her and her parents tonight (this always scares me.. I'm not sure why). There's no backing out, as reservations were made. Time to throw away my flakiness and get back on the boat.. then there's brunch with my mom and grandma tomorrow (ahh.. all this food related things). I'm trying not to obsess about exercise but I am obsessing a little. I guess its a good thing that I can admit this.

I made two appointments on wednesday: the nutritionist and the nurse practitioner.. Good times.


My mom went off her anxiety meds.. cold turkey. Since then she has complained of being "dizzy and anxious" (duh). I tried explaining to her that she should taper off her meds, not quit altogether. She changed the subject. I told her that she needs to recognize her anxiety and do something about it.. again she changed the subject. My mom is in complete denial about the fact that she has any type of problem and this really bothers me, to an extent. A) because she has seen her own mom struggle for so long and b) because she is taking these medications. .what does she think it's all in her head? I'm sure that is what she has been told in the past but she needs to recognize her issues. It also frustrates me because I have been working so hard to help my anxiety and eating disorder. Does she think this is all in my head? I'm sure..
I told her to get some exercise, how it helps. Of course, she thinks this is my ed speaking. She will never take me seriously about food or exercise. She doesnt realize that I know what to do, I just have an inability to do it right at the moment.

Then she preceded to tell me her doctor prescribed her bonine.. Why I asked? Oh because I'm dizzy, they think it's an inner ear problem..

Finally- I thought this was interesting: regarding doctors and their use of placebo



Honestly, doctors are such dumbasses sometimes. Way too quick to prescribe than to treat.

I woke up and showered this morning... ie: no gym. It was a tough call but I'm glad I did it.

I then preceded to breakfast, where I struggled. I made myself oatmeal and had an orange but I was still hungry.. so I freaked, couldn't decide if i wanted coffee or tea and on the way out the door I made myself toast. I think if I am to do something like skip the gym I should keep everything else the same to save myself some grief.

anyways this weekend was a bust. A lot of work though, so that's not a bad thing. Work today from 1-4.

This week has been difficult.. on top of school related stress (there is a ton of it) I also have ED related stress... I have had so much anxiety, between transitioning from being home and getting all of my work done, that my appetite has dropped dramatically. My energy levels have plummeted as a result, except for exercise. I have so much exercise energy I don't know what to do with it. I haven't done yoga in a while so I should probably get on that. And I am careful not to completely over do it at the gym. Maybe I am exaggerating- I didn't exercise at all when I was home (and I was freaking every day) and I drank a LOT of coffee.. well.. every morning. This morning I made tea because my heart was already thumping a mile a minute. I also made myself eat some peanut butter toast with my usual cereal- I had anxiety and didn't think i was hungry but I realized how much better I felt after that toast.

bah I need to get through this. I want to go on with my life, go to medical school.. but these are only hopes and dreams if I don't recover (what medical school will want their future doctors to need a doctor themselves?).

breathe... breathee.. and go.

physics exam this afternoon (yes, it is a saturday).

Sometimes I wish I knew how others viewed me. Do people see me as that "anorexic girl"? I know I often mention those girls in my entries but I am curious as to whether or not others see me this way. I try asking my friend Sarah from time to time but of course she says no. This is the only area where I am not sure I can trust her to tell the truth.

If I knew what other people's perception of me was, would it make a difference? Probably not. I mean, maybe it would make me more insecure but I already kind of assume people view me as the "anorexic girl". I think I am looking for people to tell me I am not weird and I look healthy. I really don't know if that is true though. Sometimes I pore over pictures of myself, trying really hard to see if I look abnormal in comparison to my healthy counterparts but honestly, I have no clue. It scares me sometimes when I look at magazine articles of "scary skinny" and I don't see a thing wrong with them. Am I scary skinny? It's all relative, I think.

I thought this website of celebrities with eating disorders was interesting:
http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm


today at lunch I kind of gave myself a pat on the back.. I followed this set "meal plan" in my head. Is this progress or regression? I would like to think this is progress but part of me knows I need to let go of control. Just not here, where everything is so crazy busy.

Love your body day

Today is love your body day at school and I am trying to start my day off right. My eating these past two days has been hard.. i am still trying to adjust from being home/here and I STILL cannot judge whether or not I am hungry. I am going to impose a meal plan on myself to get back on track (even though those are associated with anxiety) and I am going to taper my exercise again.. even though I did not really exercise over fall break (I just walked my pup). I need to get my period back and I need to get a life. Seriously, it's time.

At breakfast a girl who I see ALL the time (but who is also really standoff ish) chugged a bottle of water before touching her oranges or pack of plain oatmeal. I'm not really judging (I have all bran mixed with cheerios many mornings.. though I am trying to get myself into the habit of changing my habits) but I just feel bad. I tried to talk to her once (actually, twice) but she just put me off. I guess I can't help everyone.

I have been sleeping very strangely. When I went home I was in bed by 10 and up by 7 every day and now that habit is catching. I was up at 6:30 this morning (I went to bed at 10:30.. .SO EARLY) and I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did my yoga stretching and did some abs.. then read until breakfast at 7:30. My life is ruled by indecision.


My goals for today: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full (this is an ongoing goal.. anyone with an ed knows this is really really hard to do).
call health services and make my second appointment
focus on homework and the DEBATES
laugh a little.
do something artistic.--> in all fairness, blogging is sometimes artistic for me. but not today.

crashing after the long weekend

A weekend at home always throws me off guard and I never realize how much it screws me up until I am home at Smith.

In itself, I thought the weekend went well. My brother, sister and I threw a surprise party for my parent's twenty fifth anniversary (well.. my grandma did a lot of the work) and they were very surprised. It made me feel so good to see me dad happy and we had a father daughter dance (it was very cute).

On sunday I went out with my mom, which may or may not have been a mistake. We ended up meeting up with her friends and I think my mom was torn between trying to please me and trying to please her friends. Ultimately, I just felt awful for going and making her feel so uncomfortable. She should only be pleasing herself but I sometimes wear my anxiety on my sleeve (yes, another anxiety attack.. this weekend was full of them for sure).

This morning I left home at 12:20. Before I left I was cranky. We literally had no healthy food iin the house and I was starving. So my solution was I did not eat at home (isn't that what a normal person does?). My dad drove me to the bus station and in route I grabbed a greek wrap which was basically the starchy wrap and lettuce.

Upon reaching town I got coffee and that was just a bad idea. Dinner sucked/was overwhelming and I was freaking. My friends and I decided to get ice cream/frozen yogurt t0 detox and get out of the room but I think this lack of protein today had been bad news. My stomach just can't handle eating a lot of food because I realized while home I was starving EVERY DAY. My mom doesn't understand when I say we have no food, we really have no food. I'm sick of being home and being hungry. I dont want to go home for thanksgiving break because I know I will get so messed up again. I dont want my mom and grandma to come for parents weekend. I need to stay away.. far away.

my dad can come if he wants but I know he won't. At least he doesnt overwhelm me and will get me food when I need it. and not overdone sugary crap that my mom likes.. real solid food.

Connection: my mom, anxiety and sugary crap. That's always how it is. And coffee. being around my mom stresses me out.

Yet another high anxiety day..

it started last night. After dinner I just felt too full and overwhelmed with my work. I woke up with pretty much the same anxiety and it has just persisted throughout the morning. I am thinking of going to the gym to relieve some stress, though I don't know if that would be "feeding" the problem at hand (no pun intended).

There is a girl in one of my classes who I just recently recognized as having eating issues. I watched her all morning as she slowly ate one luna bar. At the end of an hour and a half class she didn't finish it. Later, I saw her at lunch to struggle with the choice of soy yogurt. she must have gotten overwhelmed because she chose nothing. I have this affinity towards people with eating disorders. I want to befriend them, first because I know we will have something in common but also, so I can help them to get over their problem. I asked her to join my study group. Hopefully I can get closer to her and maybe even help her.

At the gym I watched a girl work out on the elliptical manically. for at least an hour. The entire time she was watching cooking shows and I was afraid she would break in half. Or that her eyes would sink into her head. I tried staying back last time I saw her, in hopes I could talk to her. I want to reach out to people who are struggling, people like myself, but I just don't know how. I didn't end up waiting long enough. She probably had another go on the machine.

This resistance towards ourselves, our bodies. What is this constant denial of enjoyment, of life's pleasures. Of food and of rest. Why did I feel over anxious? Yes because of work but because I was judging myself by the food I eat. And by this feeling of being completely stuffed.. I felt like vomit.

Intuitively, I know I need the nutrition. I could stand a few pounds on my frame and I need it if I ever want my menstrual cycle to come back. Why this resistance? I am afraid of commitment, a real life. I need to accept this and I need to be independent. I can't have this monster controlling my life any longer. How do I make every day count towards this goal? First I accept that everyone has a bad day . I can't set myself up for disaster. I need to allow myself some outlet of escape. But what?

Manic Monday

Today was frantic. I was productive and comfortable this morning but by 11 I had lost my house keys and school I.D. SHIT! I ran all around campus looking for them and had a panic attack in lab. Part of me was thinking (Shit how am I going to go to the gym) and the other half was just unable to focus on Physics. Alas, I had left them outside of my advisor's office.

At the gym I had high anxiety and high energy... not in a good way and I couldn't calm myself down. Luckily I got myself out of there so I did not overdo it.

And all was okay. Dinner was relaxed and I ate a normal meal. I did come back and have a diet pepsi, which I'm kind of regretting.. I can taste the fake sugar now and I don't like it.

I have discovered a new problem: One of my canine teeth is hypersensitive- I think my gum line is receding.. I don't know what to do. If anyone reads this blog, let me know if you have had a similar problem/know how to resolve it.

Later days

Changes come in Autumn

I have been working really hard lately- working to get good grades, working to find a balance, working to keep my social life. Working to have friends.

Once, while talking with my counselor about being social, I told her I have a hard time being around people I have to entertain. I would much rather sit in comfortable silence. Immediately she responded " so you want a relationship without a relationship" and it hit me that I really need to change that attitude.

Around the house, I have been social.. or more social than usual. My door is open, sometimes I sacrifice work, and I try to eat most meals with people. I have challenged myself and I am proud of that capability.

Exercise: I have been exercising steadily but not like a maniac. I take days off and do yoga some days. I am getting better at listening to my body and my needs and I do not over exert myself.

Today: I woke up this morning and worked on some physics. I was feeling overwhelmed because of my workload and I "decided" to go to the gym (I decided last night...). I had a solid breakfast ahead so that was fine but after, I still had a knot of anxiety.. the anticipation of brunch? I went to brunch and was completely not satisfied. I went to the library to study and didn't even last an hour- I was hungry and sweating and going crazy in my head. I came back to the house, snacked and here I am, working on physics again. I need to be able to fill my food needs in a well proportioned manner. I resent meal plans but I have been unconsciously using them again to eat. I have no idea what my weight is but I sense it is higher, as my physiological signs of starvation are not as present (lower blood circulation, lack of concentration (minus post brunch), etc).

Eating disorders are more prevalent than ever and I am trying to help resolve my own. I think I am on the right track.. or a different track.


Fall is here. The leaves are changing and falling. Campus is beautiful. If it is not too cliche I would like to compare my own changing self to the changing of campus. I am changing and while my head may mourn at the loss of this disorder, spring will come and I will be a new (better) beautiful person.

hard day.. or week

Today and yesterday seem as though they have been especially hard and I am struggling to find a balance. Regardless, I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. Sometimes I even convince myself that I am nearly cured. But the habits creep up.

Yesterday after lab I went to the gym for a light workout. I stayed to do an abdominal class and I was exhausted. I was miserable and I knew I shouldn't have gone. After the gym I saw again my insecurities pop out when I made myself walk across campus to get dinner at the "healthy house". I ate alone and felt very uncomfortable. I tried going to the library to read but that didn't work. My mind did not have the energy to read and while I tried to deny it, I knew that was the answer. or maybe I was lonely. I hadn't really talked with anyone in a while.

Back at the house I ate a large snack and tried not to feel guilty. I did some reading but I couldn't shake this feeling of isolation. Despite the fact that my door was open. Despite the fact that I conversed. I am seperated from these people by some invisible wall.

Lunch today was hard. I went to a pre-health meeting where lunch was supposed to be served but they had ran out. I had brought a salad from our packed lunch line but it was not filling. I ended up leaving the meeting early to go to another dining hall. I ate a normal lunch there, in an abnormal order and the entire time I beat myself up... "what's wrong with me?!"

so here I am back in my room. I just want so badly to be normal.

It is interesting for me to see how I have changed over time.

Yesterday was an overall good day. I didn't do too much physical activity and tried to stay relaxed... and then dinner hit.

Let me begin by saying the dinner did not appeal to me at all. It was gross, unhealthy and I kind of freaked out. so I made a salad.. and just kept adding random stuff and was completely unsatisfied.

I felt weak. Dizzy. Was this hunger? I think I have targeted that feeling as being anxiety. I ate enough to not be dizzy after a meal. I walked down to the library to try to do some reading but instead, I thought more about the situation. Last year I would have thought "wow, why am I so hungry if I just ate.. my stomach aches". It isn't hunger (well.. maybe sometimes it was). For the most part my body was overanxious. I think an influx of cortisol caused me to think I should eat a lot because I was in starvation mode. But now I feel better. Things are going well.. and as soon as I figured this out last night my symptoms magically disappeared.

Today I ate a good solid breakfast. I felt really good.. and it kept me energized (though my lack of caffeine did leave me a little tired..). I went to lunch and ate what was served. And felt full. Maybe not entirely satisfied (I am still underweight and I think that has a lot to do with it) but I knew if I ate more I would be uncomfortable.

I am easing myself into this process of eating enough, not overexercising and convincing my body I will do the right thing. This is not an easy process.

brand new day

I went to a nurse practitioner at my school yesterday and she helped me to see a little bit clearly. I have resolved to not work out more than four days per week. Instead I will take walks, do yoga, and enjoy time with friends. I think a huge part of my gym retreats is an escape from work and an escape from stress.. to blow off a little steam. I am going to start breaking out my camera again and do things free from food and exercise.

I didnt go to the gym this morning and i have felt bubbly all day.. I had a breach in my schedule, however. My lab got out really early so I went back to my room to do work. I had a snack (after a quick moment's agonization) and it was fine. But I also bought a diet coke off of my friend. I don't know what it is but I can't shake that image of working with a diet coke in hand. I have to break my fascination with caffeine and eating.

I am scheduling dates with friends, eating with people. I had lunch with some friends and surprised myself by my energy. True, half is anxious energy but its energy none-the-less.

I am going to a half an hour awesome abs class tonight. No cardio. If I want cardio I will go for a walk.

Mood development

I feel so happy lately; not at all the depressed, moody person I once was. I can face challenges pretty well and daily tasks are not nearly so daunting. My assignments are getting done without as much stress. I am participating in other social activities while keeping myself happy, balanced. Yesterday, after a brunch, my friend Sarah and I canoed on the pond. It was nice and relaxing and it occupied my mind for a while.

Exercise still presents a slight problem in terms of safe quantity. Yesterday I felt tired after 10 minutes.. I don't know what this means (I'm used to going for a half an hour) but I slowed it down and worked out for 20 minutes on the elliptical. I did some weights and some stretching, not too much abs. I was moody after.. a bit. I think I was hungry.

Tuesday I have yoga and I am really excited. Yoga is so amazing. :-)

okay well time to face my day... a very quick workout and then physics. blah to physics.

Thoughts

I find that after lunch I get tired/ want to eat though I feel full. This triggers anxiety and the need to go to the gym. I try to avoid these feelings by reading but sometimes it is so hard. Today I am only going to do a quick workout in the little gym nearby. Yesterday I did go to the gym but i had so much energy I accomplished a lot- and then went out.

I am trying to stay cool around my friends. I feel as though I am putting up this false mask of being healthy. Maybe if I can fool other people I can also fool myself. I have been trying to be as calm as possible and it helps a little. I have not been restricting, only mildly obsessing and I have not been over exercising. Its funny how I view things differently now that I am not entirely overtaken by this awful disorder.

Yesterday afternoon was really hard but I pushed myself to get things done. Sometimes I am so obsessive that nothing gets done.. little things like mailing out letters or cleaning my room become major challenges. But I see myself slowly easing into a different type of lifestyle. That is, I hope.

I went out for drinks last night with some friends which was good and awkward. I was so amazed that I had energy and it was a good feeling. A kind of normalcy with which I am unfamiliar.

I need suggestions, advice. I think I will schedule a physical exam with my school . . . though I am worried because last time they threatened me with weight. It is clearly not about weight people.

so should I continue working out. I feel like when I don't my chest tightens, I am not happy at all. I read a study that patients who were allowed to exercise moderately recovered faster and did not relapse as much. It makes sense to me.

Well yesterday I made it through a whole day a) not going to the gym and b) not restricting. I actually felt very with it all day, with the exception of one brief period after an afternoon snack. It is a very weird feeling for me, to actually live a normal day. It is kind of like the calm before the storm. i hope there is no storm approaching. I wonder what inspired such a change of attitude. I guess I was expecting it all along, I just needed school to give me an excuse to start. The knowledge for recovery, I have. I just need to put that knowledge to use. One day at a time. Finding other ways to occupy my mind when stress. YOGA. Decorating. Walking. Friends. Cleaning. Maybe being creative.

Today i will probably go to the gym this afternoon but maybe I will bring company.

I didn't go to the gym today and I feel really accomplished. It's funny because normally people would feel accomplished when they go to the gym. Today I felt at peace... i mean, I'm a little anxious right now but for the most part I'm okay. I didn't restrict and I found things to keep me busy... without really having to look far. My goal is to work out at the gym four times per week.. and find meaningful things to fill my time otherwise.

I like how this year has begun. I like my attitude and my lack of constant obsession. I feel happy today, a real rarity. I don't feel alone.

My New Friend

This summer I worked as a barista at Starbuck's. Now, I know what you are thinking.. big corporation, ruins little businesses, absolutely horrible. Well be that as it may, I made many friends and contacts at Starbucks so I am generally happy that I worked there. Despite talking to countless doctors I also met an amazing individual, Kristin.

Kristin is a photographer working to save money while at school. She is twenty six years old, charismatic and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. One day we got to talking about one of the other girls on our shift.. I was livid because male customers kept telling my coworker how great she looked now that she "lost all that weight". Didn't she feel upset?? Immediately Kristin and I started talking about how sensitive an issue weight is for females.. and for whatever reason I felt comfortable to tell Kristin quickly that I had flirted with an eating disorder in the past..

" My sister had a really serious eating disorder too, so I understand"

Well now we had a conversation. I opened up a bit more by telling her my plan to have an exhibit for love your body month at my school.
"That is SUCH a good idea!" And then she was involved. Together we decided it would be a great idea to have a boston meet up, for women who have body issues.. not just women with an eating disorder but women who struggle on a daily basis just because. Kristin told me that while she never had an eating disorder herself, she always questions her hunger, her food choices, her lifestyle. She talked about the negative attitude she has towards her body and her weird food habits.. like buying a food she really is craving, maybe a "bad food", eating a piece of it and throwing the rest out for fear she will eat it all.
Wow, it sounded familiar.
The more we talked the more we realized how much we had in common. Between weird food habits and negative "voices" we were actually pretty similar. And funny, we both agreed it had nothing to do with food or weight. There was a bigger issue at hand. Bigger than either of us could comprehend on our own.

And so the love your body project had began. Not too long after Kristin told me how she was inspired to attend an OA meeting. Now Kristin is by no means a big girl. In fact, Kristin told me she had felt insecure to attend this meeting because she was not big.. but once she got there she felt comfortable. People were there to listen. To support one another. It is not about the weight but about the feelings, the behaviors. Why do we torture ourselves our bodies? Since then Kristin has been seeking a healthy life, mentally and physically.

Today we got together for coffee and we talked. We talked about our lives, our futures our careers.. We talked about our hopes, our dreams. We talked about our disorders and our questions and our insecurities. I really enjoy talking to Kristin and I feel so honored to have such a fabulous person as my friend. She just got a really good job and is leaving starbucks. I am so happy for her and she told me her friend and her are going to open their own business. I am ecstatic for her. We are young now. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Yesterday was dinner at grandmas. Initially I freaked out. Anxiety over not being hungry or being too hungry, overall confusion. But I walked my dog (a short walk) and I breathed.

At grandma's we relaxed first. My uncle and aunt came and we talked, we cooked lobster and potatoes. My uncle, mom and myself went to wholefoods to get me and my mom some dinner (we don't eat lobster so it was salmon for me and a sandwich for my mom) and we came back to finish the meal. And we ate. My uncle was very patient with me. he has seen me in the hospital and was very supportive. He made sure to wait for me at wholefoods while I freaked over whether I should get frozen yogurt or ice cream (let's just get both!). He waited for me while I cooked my salmon, instead of letting everyone else eat without me (on a seperate occasion my mom had just had everyone eat dinner while I was still cooking mine.. I hate being the last one eating or having any attention drawn to me at mealtimes). He talked to me like a normal person. I love my uncle and my aunt for this. They don't bring up food while i'm trying to eat. we talk about other things.

Afterwards I wasn't going to eat cake. oh the trans fats. But all of a sudden I had this urge. This cake urge. I had cake, ice cream (well, a mix between soy and frozen yogurt) and watermelon. no regrets. Just tired.

At home that night I had cereal and milk. I was hungry. Then I had a really great conversation with my dad. That hasn't happened in a long while. It was a successful day, I would say.

This morning I woke up. I ate cereal.. I was going to try something new but I couldn't do that so I just settled on easy. Then I struggled with whether or not to go to the gym. i read for a bit and then I decided to go. And it went.. okay.

at home I was energized. I cleaned and tried not to think too much about lunch. When lunch came, I ate. unfortunately i was still hungry afterwards but I surpressed the urge to eat more for a while, then I "gave in". Or allowed myself to eat.

at starbucks I put milk in my coffee. And I had a snack later that afternoon.

anxiety hit.. .cardio??? no. Instead I did yoga. wow i love that yoga.

and i was able to go to dinner. order a real meal and eat it all.

and when I came home, soymilk, fruit and a cookie. I guilted about the cookie for a bit. but i am over it. And i needed it.

i can do this. tomorrow will go well. Then, it's off to school. cross your fingers folks.

ugh

Yesterday went pretty well.. I actually ate a normal dinner with my parents...

.. Today, a different story. I was too tired/hungry to go to the gym this morning so I gave myself permission to take the day off. But then I wasn't "hungry" at lunch. So I didn't really eat.

Truth is I was/am hungry. I just don't know what to eat because I didn't exercise, really. I'm going to my grandma's soon, to celebrate her birthday. So that means cake, food. I wont' eat cake. I hate the sugary taste to cake. But I may be expected to eat dinner. Usually this isn't a problem but today, it poses big problems.

Yesterday I gave myself permission to eat. I just can't do it . What the hell am I so scared of?

I tried not to restrict too badly tonight but boy did that muffin linger. It is funny (well, no, not really) how one "mess up" can ruin an entire day.. can make a person feel horribly guilty and angry all day long.

I didn't have my usual breakfast this morning- I had an odwalla bar instead but then I felt guilty for eating something so carby.. however the carb fest continued all day anyways (not without guilt, trust me).

I need a solid meal plan. I need someone to sit me down and give me exchanges again. I could do it on my own. But I can't. I need that push.. I don't want to see my nutritionist again because she just tells me "Katie, you know it already". She's right, I do.

I go back to school soon and I am nervous. School means buffets, it means salad bars, it means a lot fo work and exercise. Most importantly, it means a lot of other abnormal girls. I love my school but at the same time I want to punch some people and their behaviors. I want to shake them and say "take a day off from the gym.. eat food". They would just look at me and laugh.

I got angry last semester. A girl in my house was making fun of the "twiggy" girl in one of the dining halls.. "what's her problem, she pays 45000 dollars/year to eat carrots". I dont know how to convey to a person that an eating disorder is a mental problem, an addiction. Some people just don't understand. I want to cry for a very long time. Or take a very long nap. Hey, at least I didn't go to the gym today.

Angry

I just got off of work and I am angry. and exhausted. and disgusted with myself.

So I was already really tired from work in general and I was kind of hungry. I ate my dinner on my ten and a really nice guy had brought my friend and I cake because it is our last week of work (he also hit on me and gave me his number but this is a different story, as he is 29 and married.. but very handsome). Anxiety hit.

my half didnt come until 8:30 and I was starving. I had a piece of cake with milk and some watermelon slices. I still felt hungry but I tried to ignore it.

My best friend, who has been avoiding me since MV, came into work with another one of my friends (to visit someone else). . when she realized I was working she acted all surprised. Then she informed me that they had gone to this restaurant that WE had planned to go to. I was like "what, no invite?" like all joking. "oh but you were working anyways..." SHE DIDNT KNOW I WAS WORKING!! I just wanted to scream or cry or punch something. WTF why does she treat me so poorly. I am so sick of it.

I guess I am over reacting but it is all of these little things adding up.

So then after work i had juice and I downed a big muffin (bran). I guess some people would say "good you need to gain weight" but I am sick of these sugars and these massive carb loads. I feel disgusting. I have work at 8 tomorrow and I just dont want to eat at all. Ever. adalkdjna;kdj;

"be optimistic... don't be a grumpy..."

Martha's Vineyard was fabulous.. or it was pretty good. My best friend has a friend who lives on the island and the first day he drove us around and took us to the beach. Then we discovered our hostel, where we met many different types of people and was relatively clean. It reminded me of camp! The second day I was there some dancers offered morning yoga (7 AM). I was up so I did it (whooo so fun!). Then we rented bikes and biked over twenty miles that day... one of the trips was to Aquinnah, which was uphill somewhat (very painful but we were SO proud). That night her friend drove us to town for some ice cream and pizza and then to a pier to check out some bioluminescence (there was non, unfortunately). On the last day we went to a farmer's market, an outdoor sculpture garden and a fishing town/beach called Mnemensha. There we hung out on some rocks and my friend had a lobster lunch!

The downsides: My friend was kind of grumpy most of the trip (she gets that way when she is tired.. i tried to stay optimistic but that in itself gets exhausting when one person is always upset).
She also was semi restricitng, even on her long bike rides. I think this motivated me to eat more, just to show her it was okay.
She seemed upset with me most of the time but would not voice her opinion. Unfortunately for me I don't read minds.

Her mom and step dad picked us up at the ferry and took us out to Linner (haha, lunch and dinner!), which was so nice of them. My friend was tired and not hungry but again, I stayed cheerful and optimistic.

By the time I got home I had no energy to tell my parents again about all that we did and saw. My mom took me out to frozen yogurt (yum!) and then I came home and had cupcaeks and milk. At first i thought I was binging. But whatever, I need the energy.

Now I am back to the daily grind (so sad!) with lots of work. Yesterday I worked from 2:45 until 10:30 and today I worked 6:30 in the AM until now... yes it was quite the long day. Tomorrow I work again but then there is a cookout after down my street. I'm excited for that but again, nervous food wise. I'll just try not to think about it that much.

After my shift today I was hungry but didnt know what i want so I settled on a bran muffin. I always hate when I do that because I feel like it's "too many carbs".. I should have eaten some protein or peanut butter or something. Oh well, next time I guess. I just enjoy the bran muffins.. i just hate how they are so so sugary!

OH also. This guy who comes into starbucks a lot talked to a neuroscientist who works at MGH and he told her about me.. then he emailed me with her email so I can talk to her.. Sometimes you need to go where life takes you.. I see where this is going..

AND Christian from DENMARK called me! SO EXCITING! He was so cute and told me I should visit next summer. I am seriously considering making the trip.

Maybe I can get mary and/or marissa and/or my brother to join.

Speaking of my brother, we had a great conversation the other night. I just love when that happens... he's such a good kid.

Today was a better day. For one thing I didn't go to the gym this morning. I am still sick and decided my body needed to rest. Unfortunately, however, I did not eat a solid lunch. My mom and I were to go shopping and right before I had a doppio with milk and some hummus with veggies and bread (at least it was a solid snack). my mom normally does not eat lunch on the weekends (she has a brunch of sorts.. maybe I should start doing a brunch, snack and a dinner?).

Anyways we went shopping and it went okay. I'm not a big shopper but I got a sweatshirt and we got to talk at least. I think for school I want some shirts and bras but I'm afraid to buy bras as I'm sure I will gain some weight (and thus boobage) and yet I say this every year. Maybe I should get some clothes that fit? I want to look nice this year. I think I will go to downtown crossing tomorrow or filene's basement.

After we visited my grandma and I had an anxiety attack. I was sick of sitting down and I think my blood sugars were low, though i didn't feel physically hungry. I walked down the street to whole foods.. I think the walk in itself calmed me (I was stressing about not having exercised).

When we arrived home my mom suggested going out to dinner. "I want japanese or thai".

Did that come out of my mouth? Usually for me it's, "i'll take care of myself" or "I'm not hungry". So we went out to thai. And I ordered a normal meal and, over a glass of wine, I told my parents a few things about my thoughts, my health status. Sometimes i wish I dont tell them things, as i feel as though it shows my weaknesses. I am only human, however.

I got anxiety when i came home. I tried to relax. I felt tired, I didnt want to move. I took the dog for a walk to try to feel better but it didnt help so I sat down to watch a movie. Why am I always so tired after eating a full meal? I didnt like it.

My best friend and I are going to martha's vineyard on monday and I am excited but nervous. I hope things go well.

Under Pressure

I can't handle this pressure in my house, mostly revolving around alcohol. My younger sister just doesnt understand why I get so upset but drinking at my house is not normal. My mom told me, "Kate, loosen up a little".. she doesnt understand that she is promoting the very thing she is so against. Laura pushes a drink on her so she drinks it and Laura just laughs. Laura doesnt understand this is not normal. I just want to scream, cry. Maybe I'm the abnormal one.

I feel sick. I hate when my sister is around alcohol. I hate how she has such an addictive personality. I am seriously afraid for her future because she is so immature. I know she has to learn but it makes me mad when everyone makes me look like the bad person.

this blog entry is so disorganized. I am so upset. I have to go to my friend's for her 21st birthday. I dont want to drink. I'm sick but I have no where to go. I feel so trapped.

Honey I'm home and I had a hard day...

I have moved back home and have a horrible cold. At least the dogs kept me entertained during my sleepless night. This morning I dragged myself to Starbucks to complete a full day of work and hopefully infect no one.

I was so excited for daniela to come home. She is one person with who i can really talk and it is such a relief. I went by her house and we walked around the mall together just catching up. It was really nice. Afterwards I went to the store because (alas) we have no good food in my house. So I bought some fruit and milk and sushi for dinner and here I am.

I am trying not to obsess about food as much and just eat what I want when I want it. Tomorrow I work another night shift ( I haven't had one of those in a while) so I will try not to freak too much about dinner.

In terms of exercise things are pretty good. I didnt go to the gym today (again, work, illness so yah) and I managed to forget about it for the day (phew, what a relief). I was supposed to host a coffee talk tonight for women who have body image problems but me and another girl who is helping me to coordinate is sick so we are going to reschedule.

Speaking of this other girl, she is AMAZING. She called me today and told me how she went to O.A. This girl is not a big girl and looks average. I was so proud of her for going and sharing! She was proud of herself too. She is one of the few who understands my random mind. She told me how through these meetings she learned not to focus too much on how another looks in terms of size to decide whether or not they have a problem. I agreed and I said anorexic, bulimic, obese, tiny, all of our problems are alike and usually have nothing to do with food.

Forgive me for the chaos that is this post. I'm quite tired and need to rest and relax. I am still trying to maintain my sanity however.... and I have classes picked out for the fall!

Including: Physics at UMASS, Cellular and Molecular Neuroscience, a seminar in psychology and an english class! yay premed

It's interesting how the human mind works.. or the eating disordered mind maybe. For the most part today went well. I had a really good workout this morning after which I felt strong, not exhausted. Then my mom and I went out- first to the bookstore (I LOVE THE BOOKSTORE) where I got an MCAT review book and some flash cards, two books (one being a birthday present) and a spanish english dictionary.
Next we went to my grandma's only to discover my grandma wasn't there.. my mom was stalling. She didnt want to go home (I couldn't blame her) so we went to the store and to russo's, at which point I had to tell her I really had to go back. She didnt want me to leave- she wanted me to go home with her. I think I keep her sane. I'm worried about her when I leave.

I made myself a yummy lo mein dinner tonight with soba noodles, edamame, cabbage and zucchini. I didnt think i was going to eat it all but I did. And I was still hungry. So I had an orange and tea. Still hungry. So then I had some ice cream, banana, soy milk and chocolate syrup. Ok good enough for now.

I rode my bike to target and then caught myself at the convienent store. Apparently I was still hungry and I settled on a thing of fig newtons when I got recognized by the boy who lives downstairs.

back at home now, I had one and a half of the fig newtons, a few grapes, a creamsicle, and cereal and milk. Now at long last I feel satisfied.

What is with this such intense hunger? It holds me back. I cannot deny myself any longer/ I will not. I need to eat to be healthy, to be strong, to have a social life.

Tomorrow I have work at 7 so that means I need to plan for tomorrow. i made brown rice at dinner and I have salad greens so I'll probably make a brown rice salad with some beans and corn. I wish I had some yogurt to bring but i ran out and I was too exhausted to think about food any longer. For now, however, that should do just fine.

anyways enough about food. I'm going to finish up my laundry, watch Harry Potter and begin studying for the MCAT. Studying requires lots of carbs and I consumed my share tonight :-) . I dont really feel guilty about it. I need to energy.


I'm nervous to move back home on wednesday. I wish I could live here for the rest of the summer. Being out of my house has helped me to really focus on myself and to get better.

Day 6

I ended up going to the party last night but I have since decided I really don't like the drinking "scene". Sure I partake in it but it only masks how a) tired I get and b) how bored i get. I only had two beers last night and a small glass of wine (maybe another half of a beer because I got sucked into subbing for Beirut) and I was really proud. But I still felt like shit when I get home. Alcohol really doesn't mask anything for me and for now on I'm only going to drink on random social situations (maybe a house party or two) and a glass with dinner if I should so feel the need.

I only semi-restricted last night at dinner, which was nice. And I allowed myself what I was craving this morning- a bowl of Quaker Oats squares- they are so high in sugar/ carbs I usually won't let myself have them. But that's what I wanted. So that's what I ate (with strawberries).

I am going to the gym today but not tomorrow. I have work 7-3 and I will be pooped/ the gym closes at 4. I think I'm going to start going every other day or 5 days a week. . . we will see what works best. It's funny because I know so much about exercise and nutrition and yet my body refuses to listen. I have to teach it.

I like my little resolution to stop drinking. I just hope it doesnt become a problem at school..

Day... 5?

yesterday I had my counselor appointment and I think this is the first time in four years she has seen me cry. It came up because I said I was afraid of being a weak 60 year old with osteoporosis.

"you probably have it now"

I just started to cry. I know this and I hate myself for it. I have osteopenia and I feel so weak. I want this to stop.

I had three meals and three snacks yesterday. It felt good but I was still tired.. my only exercise was some weight lifting from a video and riding my bike to and from work (maybe 10 minutes each way). I let myself go out to dinner last night- I picked up brown rice sushi from whole foods and had the whole tray in addition to some veggies and egg from the salad bar (it was so expensive!).

After my counselor i went to my friend's house to help set up for a party tonight. I was so exhausted ( I have been getting up at 5:15 am for work/ to let the dogs out). I felt so lame and so not into it . Am I depressed? I dont really know.. yes and no.

I am going to go to the gym this morning but I'm not sure how much I will do. I am really tired. Like really really tired.

Through my tears I asked my counselor "so then, what should I do? Stop working out".
She cocked her head and said " I think that might be good"

"I'm afraid I'll be weak, my heart wont be strong and I will lose bone mass from not lifting weights". I knew this was so wrong. I am already weak and I need to gain strength. Maybe I should just not go to the gym this morning. Somehow I can't bear it. It's what I do. It's what I know.

I took the dogs on a walk up and down the street. I am frustrated with them because they refuse to go to the bathroom.


The other night I sat on the couch reading. I was depressed and I didn't want to eat. I felt I had eaten too many carbohydrates... but as I was reading I realized I was falling asleep. Despite my lack of appetite, I made myself dinner. Then downed ice cream.

this deprivation, it really needs to stop. I can't keep this up. If i want to lead a healthy life and go to medical school I need to be healthy. I want to be the person keeping people healthy and NOT the person who needs to be kept healthy.

Day 4:

I had work today at 7 Am and I was so tired. I made myself eat breakfast and tried not to think too much about it. I did a lot better today in terms of just having snacks and non sporadic eating. I found it helps if I don't really have a drink at work (I work at a coffee shop and I usually plan on having a smoothie or something.. but not having anything but water or tea really cuts down on anxiety). I made myself a solid lunch too, of which I was really proud as most people who work there dont really seem to eat meals. I think that throws me off.

I declared today as being ok to not have to work out. I will go tomorrow morning. Today I have a counselor appointment so rather than going to the gym I will just ride my bike home.

Last night was really sad. I felt so overwhelmed- it was my day off and I had a late lunch.. and then I ate a whole bag of microwave popcorn (this is abnormal for me.. im trying to get over my carb-o-phobia). I walked the dogs that I am house sitting for with my sister and my own dog but when I got back I felt trapped. I decided I wasn't hungry and read. But I found myself falling asleep- it was 6 PM! Sure I was tired but I also think I was hungry. I forced myself to eat dinner and afterwards I ended up inhaling a lot of ice cream. It's funny how appetite works. I spent the rest of the night researching medical school, watching tv and kind of feeling like a loser. but a tired one.

im making progress but it is slow. What happens when I go back home next week? I find when I am around my mom I am worse and I am not sure why. I think she senses this and I feel guilty. She has horrible eating habits and I think if she ate better it might be easier for me.

Anyways time to clean up around here! It's raining (i love the rain.. just not when I have to bike somewhere)

Day 3

Yesterday went alright. It was quite busy and was scheduled for lunch with my aunt. I had an interesting medley for breakfast of cereal, fruit and some walnut bread and I had a powerful workout at the gym (meaning I felt strong.. not weak).

When I came back I made myself a protein shake and then showered. My aunt had wanted to go to this high protein "Knowfat" fast food place. It's funny because my aunt is a big woman (and she is well aware) so when we stepped into this place she said "I read a review for this place that said 'I don't know if it is just me but every time I come into this place it is either full of body builders and fat people'" We both got a laugh out of that.

I saw something when we were ordering. Her internal struggle with what to eat and over all anxiety. She seemed a lot like me and I actually felt at ease ordering. Her eyes kind of glazed over. but we ate and it was done.

The hardest part of the day for me is always planning what I will bring to work for dinner (especially if I am not hungry.. I tend to underestimate what I will want). After lunch I ran to a store (or rode my bike) to pick up a few toiletries and then I came back to get ready for work. There was a moment's hesitation and then I just threw something together.

I was really tired while at work. I think this past week has been emotionally draining. Anyways I ate the first half of my dinner on my ten minute break because I was hungry but by the time I was on my real break i didnt feel as hungry as i "should" have been. I literally choked down the rest of my dinner. The manner was disgusting really. Then I stood for a minute wondering if I should grab a treat from the pastry case. What happened to not hungry? I couldnt tell anymore.

The result was a very crampy stomachache. My stomach was (and still is) overloaded.. or overwhelmed. It is not used to such erratic feeding.

A normal person may come across this entry and be so confused. Or they just think I am crazy because no normal person should have such a hard time with food. I suppose.. but maybe this is just how I deal with the other hard things in life..


A woman my mom used to know came into work. She used to be the typical cheerleader's mom, nails done and hair done up nice. This is not the same woman. She wears dirty clothes and has a dirty face. Her hair is in a pony tail and she starts to tell me how she can put sugar in her coffee if she wants. Then she starts lecturing my coworker on sexual harrassment and how disgusting it is (my coworker is male). She tells me she will only have a good night if justice is served to her daughters, who have been taught to stick their boobs and their tongues out at her. I feel horrible for this woman but my manager starts to complain. "If I hear her lecture one more time I'm kicking her out of the store". I argue that this lady probably can't help it.. maybe she's schizophrenic. "I don't care, she's crazy"

This same manager also complained about an anorexic woman who comes in. "She's so skinny, she's nuts. Her husband is nuts too, for letting her be that way" . I try to explain this woman has a problem, she needs professional help. I say this on deaf ears. To my coworker crazy is as crazy does.

Day One

Welcome welcome welcome! I guess as my first post as a blogger I should introduce myself. My name is Katherine though I go by Katie (or Kate or KT for those of you who love the internet)... I am twenty one years old and I am going to be a senior in college (ah where does the time go??).

Hobbies: reading, exercising, hanging out with my dogs, going out with my friends, cooking and making people happy.. and scrabble and crosswords.

Desires: I am going to be applying to medical school

Random fact: I love Harry Potter (come on, who doesn't) and am an avid recycler.

So why the blog you ask? I figured it would be good for two reasons: a) I am recovering from an eating disorder and would like the added motivation to get well.
b) I think it would be good to describe my journeys through school to med school for those who may encounter a similar desire.

Anywho I'm off for now to begin my day. It's gorgeous out and I don't want to miss it!